not who I was

i'm not where I was 

i'm at rest and at peace with myself

no longer fighting to be normal or fit in 

no longer fighting who God made me to be

gosh sometimes it would be easier to fit into the mold

fit into 

but I cant

it squashed me to almost no breath left

no heart beat

only making a paycheck, making a dinner and netflix nad chill

what kind of life Is that

watching other peoples lives instead of living?

i'm not there anymore

I can't buy into "this is the dream" 

it's not the dream I was born with

my heart was meant to beat

meant to get my feet dirty

meant to love people outside of my age range

outside of my race 

outside of my comfort zone.

to explore to learn to beat to run to fall

my heart was given breath

and I refuse to numb it to live the american dream

why do I love sports? why do I hate them? ha this is the question

 I grew up loving a lot of things.

outdoors.

strangers.

country music. 

sweets. 

riding bikes.

being a little dirty. God made dirt and dirt don't hurt.

pink and glitter. 

baking.

and sports. 

it's a diverse list I know. as a guy friend once said "you're the most predictable unpredicatable person i've ever met." one of the highest compliments i've ever gotten.

Anyways. I love sports. always have. ever since I was a little girl

I love being at the games. my parents would drive us 4 hrs to see a 4 hr baseball game and then drive us home.

I loved it. that sounds like most peoples worst nightmare but not mine.

I wanted to work in sports events

I didn't know why I just did, I loved the atmosphere of the game. 

I moved to nashville and didn't really care for sports because my other love was here.

music. 

and I LOVE ME SOME COUNTRY still to this day. even seeing behind the curtain. it reminds me of home. it's ohio in a song. 

anways. I didn't watch baseball here, barely watched anything. 

then one day a friend got me back into. got me into a team called the tennessee titans. 

ha and my heart just came back alive in a whole new /old way. 

I felt like little lindsay again. 

cheering on strangers while sitting next to a bunch of strangers.

high fiving randoms and also trash talking some other randoms. ha ok ok only bengals fans, they're so fun to trash talk- they're just fun people. I like them. 

so anyways- yesterady was a hard day-the titans had a week off so I thought "good it can just be a low key weekend" ha I was wrong

not only did BOTH my fantasy football teams lose by a few points, but the titans traded our captain, our heart and soul of the team, kevin byard. 

I know I know I know he's just a stranger- but it hurt me a bit. made me sad. for a short moment just made me want to find another hobby. 

so I went for a walk and was like "why do I love sports? why do I hate them?"haha 

THIS IS THE QUESTION

here is what I LOVE about them. 

billions of dollars go into them- millions of people watch sports- billions probably. but it's huge, massive, all over the world. 

and yet ...YOU CAN'T CONTROL IT. even if some refs may throw a game or some owners or players may be bought (who knows just saying)...you still can't fully control it because you can't control everyone, can't control people. So at the end of the day the best team might not win, the worst team might not lose, you can't predict it. The lady with the brightest future might get hurt and get knocked out of the race, the right people maybe never saw the play the right way and called it wrong. You can't control it. and that's honestly what I love ab out it. 

What I hate about it is just htat. I can't control if Amy Adams sells Byard...I can't control if we win another game. But let me tell you I AM screaming my heart out in section 128, bc they can hear me from row G I believe it and I believe it matters. hah but at the end of the game- I can't control what happens, no matter how much I try and I hate that. 

sports are the best representation we have of life, yet we get to watch from the outside. So we get to critique , we get to judge Amy for what seems like a rough decision, we get to yell at the refs or the kicker for missing, like we would have done it better, because we're watching. Our hearts are in it but we don't have any risk except our hearts. 

I love it because it looks like life, it is life, and I get to watch and have no risk. except the cost of my ticket, and the antenna I've purchased for away games :) hah 

I love sports bc it's no risk to me but it gets my heart on fire, it hurts and excites me and makes me fall in love, and get mad. now I do love sports and will forever love them.

however, I think this is how life is supposed to be too. we're supposed to love it, love it fiercely, love our people, maybe don't shout at them liek we do the TV, but love it, give it our all. Be dissapoint3ed when it doesn't go our way- but stick it out even if the titans might be last in their league this year. stick it out. 

i'm learning from sports. I don't want to feel more for a sport than I do my life. I want to love my family this way, my friends, a man if God will have it ;) feircely, get the calls wrong sometimes, trade the wrong players (Amy I think we should keep byard, I think this is a mistake like AJ), make mistakes, but take a risk for a life that is big and alive like God planned for us. 

I give the titans my ALLLLLL on Sundays- I think I love them. I think I do. haha but I want to live my life with that too. ya'll I bought a season ticket by myself. ONE SEASON TICKET. bc I wanted a good seat, and didn't want to buy two expensive seats, so I bought one. knowing "i'll make friends" haha and I have. 

but I took a risk- that I don't do in all areas- I have fear, we all do- but the most beautiful parts of my life are when I push past them and just trust it will work out. I'm soooo thankful I bought this ticket- i'm having a great time. and I want to keep doing that in my life. not wait for perfect. not wait for the most perfecdt way. 

I tell people all the time, God made me analytical, he made me a thinker, and that's such a good side. I get it from my dad. But I think one of my favorite traits of myself is when I just risk it- take that leap knowing it'll work out, even if I lose, even if I break a bone or get traded- it's worth it all. 

thats' all- sports Inspire me to live with more heart- wake up from the numb of netflix and live a life that is in front of me. I'm not talking about jumping out of planes, kissing strangers and moving to Europe...I mean MAYBE but ...just in my everyday life. living it more with a spirit of faith and love ...like i've got nothing to lose. 

i'll miss byard. but there will be another player- he will find another home...we all will go on and keep growing. it wasn't a mistake he came to the team... so it wasn't a waste- I don't want to waste moments out of fear how they end. we've got a game to play. i've got a life to live. going to try to live a little bit more like the sports I love. 

titan up. 

you're kinder to strangers

you're kinder to strangers

than those closest to you

it stings really

I mean...

i get it i do

it's easy to be nice to people who don't know you

you want to give them help give them money

show your generosity 

you want to take care of the customer

but not the family

you run around

scramble around 

make us chase you

make us follow you 

all for the dollar all for the fame

all talk for the stranger

and trouble for the ones closest 

i get it i do

it's easier to wear the mask 

then face the music 

that you actually don't do 

can't do

anything you're actually saying 

 you are the saying 

"those who can't do teach"

 yes it's important to be kind to strangers

but  just look around and see who you're drowning in your wake

some things never change

I was just reading through old blogs I wrote forever ago.

so thankful 10 years ago i decided to write them down

what a gift to read those 

I wrote one about my brother

and how much I adored him 10 years ago when he turned 18

and it made my heart sink. 

it was about my brother zach and how much I loved him 10 years ago. 

Gosh I loved him so much growing up

mom said he was my own little baby doll

and I just thought it was my job to love him as much as i possibly could

and I did- I gave it my all back then

and as we have grown these past ten years I can't believe i love him even more

he's grown into a fine man

and one of my absolute best friends, favorite people in the world.

It didn't. change over the years

it just grew more as we both got older and I just love it so much

love him tons

he would gag if he read this

and I love that too

then would try to pick me up and squeeze me like he did when he was 18

he hasn't changed that much and I love that

I read another one about my friends

and how they were a gift from the Lord when I first moved to Nashville 

I beamed at the thought of knowing a lot of those friends 15 years later

and they're still a gift 15 years later 

we've learned to let go of having us all at every.single.event

that life moves at different paces and phases 

it's not fair and it can even be mean

but if you keep your friends close

even if you can't keep them all close all the time

that you can get through anything

it hasn't changed 

we still look GOOOOODD TOO just fyi. it hasn't changed. ha 

I read one ...ok many that I wrote and a lot that were still in the "draft" phase

10 years later

most of those were "I'm not sure what i'm doing with life"  or

"this is hard not sure what God Is calling me to do" 

"I like him, God" ha 

lots of those in the draft or some written

and im so thankful for those blogs too

bc 15 years later it's still hard

I still get stressed and worried im taking the wrong steps

still nervous for the things I think God is saying for me to do

still the same girl

just a little mroe beat up, a fwe more falls

more broken hearts

more mistakes under my belt

and a whole lot of wins

but i'm so glad I wrote all those down ..sweet little younger lindsay

trying to figure "it out" struggling to know which way to go

Im thankful sweet little linds journaled all those things back then

I think I was reallly looking for the answer

and im thankful for it all

because today I still don't know

I still mess up

I just have a ton more years to look back at and know 

it was wroth it- doing It all not knowing which way to really go

I think I know now that we'll never know

it's all just steps

steps we think are right

steps that feel like who God made us to be

loving those we think we are. able and made to love

and letting others go that might need to move on

whew...a little older but it hasn't changed much

I still absolutely love Zachy wachy

I still feel blessed by the friends in my life. Lord knows they're wild for saying yes to being my friends

and I still feel confused and worried at life sometimes

 but little linds had hope and ambition and she had a HECK of a lot of fun

she loved life and music and wasn't afraid of falling

so I want to keep that part the same too

to kepe going, keep hoping, keep little linds alive in leaping and jumping

even if she doesn't know really where she's going

run into a few walls while living this life

but living this life well and how God created me to live it

hhaha thankful some things never change

thanks to the Tennesses titans

 it's not a shock that covid drained us all

it was a hard season

still is hard at times 

but it shook me to my core 

I felt like I couldn't breathe 

things I loved

a job I loved 

people I loved

just hidden

taken away

maybe miles away but might have well as been light years away

the distance was isolating

there is a reason they isolate prisoners

actually I don't know the reason

it's cruel

it's mean

and it teaches you a lot 

anyways im thankful for the roommates I had when it started

very thankful

they were light

but covid showed me a lot about myself

when you strip everything away

you realize what you really need

yes what I really needed was the Tennessee Titans 

haha jk jk 

well kind of 

but I realized when it all was taken away

I needed the Lord so much

needed to wrestle

and talk and hear and lean

LEAN into him

it wasn't pretty

yet it was close

and as I slowly got my breathe back

like most of us

I found myself needed people who could handle the light and the dark

no one else

and found myself looking for small small ways to laugh again

I have a friend

and she has a friend

that works for the titans 

and so we started going

we weren't fans

we just liked to be together so sometimes we'd spend 1/2 the game in our car giggling

and crying

and sometimes we would barely look at the field

but one game at a time we went

then slowly but surely

we'd watch a little more of the game 

watched this guy they called king henry run the ball

we enjoyed that

and before we know it

3. seasons...4 seasons later 

we're enjoying the games

not just enjoying

some would call us fanatics now.

we have pom poms and we have made the jumbotron

anyways the point is 

I dind't need the titans necessarily

but I needed fun

I needed to think of anything else but my situation

all I lost 

I just needed for 3 hrs, 17 times a year, I needed to just think of something else besides COVID and my life

and that's what the Titans did

we cheered we laughed we acted like fools 

we had fun like the other fans

like the kids

I think what i've learned from loving sports again 

is we need fun

the order we get we need something that isn't us driving life

pushing for more money

pushing to stay as fit as we were in our 20's

pushing to save for retirement

pushing for less wrinkles ;) 

we need something else

we need fun

we need laughter 

God made me that way

to handle life

I have ZERO doubt in my mind it's a gift

to notice the smallest things and laugh

to enjoy weird random things

I just forgot for a bit

which is ok we cna't laugh and have fun all the time

but the point is to find things that bring you joy

that can't be perfect can only be fun

I can't control if the titans win

(although call me Amy Adams and we can talk about me coming to work there and seeing what I can do as your new employee haha ok ok I'd make a lowsy GM but i'd make a great events and operations director, just saying) 

anyways back to the titans...

I can't control how good they are

who gets injured

if they win

if Derrick becomes my friend 

that's what I love about sports actually.... you can buy the best team

have the best coach in the league (which we do)

and it's all up in the air, the worst team can beat the best team

someone can have the best play of their life

someone can make their worst play

the point is...you go all in..pick a team...and GO BIG cheering them on

lose yourself

wear the dumbest costume 

paint your face and your car

SCREAM LIKE THEY CAN HEAR YOU FROM THE 300 LEVEL

whatever it taeks to feel like a kid

and have some fun

and when they lose you can cry or be mad

but it's not that big of deal in your life comparative to the rest of your life

so there is a freedom to it

anyways im so thankful for the titans over these past three years

I have my pom poms laid out for the cowboys game tomorrow.

read that again.

I have my pom poms laid out

HAHAHAHAH 

that's fun.

find something that makes you want to go stand out in two degree weather 

that makes you act a fool to get on a massive tv

find something that makes you take yourself and life a little bit less seriously

thanks titans for doing that for me

for reminding me to let go a little bit

to have a little bit of fun as I get older

fun isn't just for the youth

it's for all of us

I love that you brought that to me again titans

I really do

my heart is a little lighter

and my laugh is a little louder

#TitanUp

when your pipes freeze....

i'm from Ohio

I should know better 

but I had a migraine was in and out of sleep

I wasn't thinking

that when they said below freezing temps were going to hit nashville 

I wasn't thinking like an ohio-ian

everyone from the north knows to let the faucets drip

I just didn't

and the pipes froze

so we took care of it, set the house up to hopefully let them thaw when it gets warmer

but until then

I need a shower

I immidiately call my newly married friends who live very close and ask if I can borrow a shower and 

with out hesitation they not only say yes but come pick me up.

they have everything laying out, lotion, shampoo, they're like a very nice bed and breakfast

I not only got a shower but just sweet friend time with them

and warm cookies

they dropped me off back home nice and clean and 

an invitation if I don't go home to Ohio that i can spend it with them

that's the other thing about freezing weather in nashville

it isn't just in nashville

the midwest got hit hard

including my home state of Ohio

the roads are a WRECK

i'm usually pretty "it'll be fine" when It comes to making the 6 hr drive" 

but there was something about the high winds, tons of accidents and the "salt isn't working in below zero weather" that made me decide not to drive home to Ohio tonight, on Christmas eve

not only does this make me very sad

the thought of not getting to wake up with my mom and drink coffee and watch a Christmas movie

before anyone else wakes up

but also makes me sad because I still don't have water.

so i can't just "stay home" 

i need to think of whose home can i invade to at least shower and go the bathroom

and you know what? 

the whole reason i'm writing this.

when i think of "who will let me crash their Christmas" 

the list is long

i really mean it

I Immediately thought of so many friends that stay here for the holidays or have family here

 and thought "they wouldn't mind, they wouldn't care!" 

I could immediately see myself in pj's hanging with them and their family

I just started tearing up

right now as I write this

wow

what a gift

a list of dear dear friends that would actually be mad if they found out

that i didn't go home and didn't have water and just sat in my house

mad. some would get mad and call me stubborn

anyways the point isn't how mad my friends can get

the ponit is i'm very loved

and I most likely will make it home on Christmas day

and all will be fine

but the thought of the family i've made here

such deep relationships

that wouldn't care if I spent Christmas with them

even if they have kids that will be opening presents

or even if they're at their parents house and let me come too

or even if it's their first Christmas married together and i'll third wheel it

it's overwhelming how life goes

when I moved to nashville all those years ago

I thought i'd find a job and have some fun

but never never did I imagine families that would be my family

just a sweet overwhelming feeling.

thanks to my friends

who would pick me up so I can shower

who would allow me to come sleep at their house anytime I needed 

who genuinely just love me

wow very thankful today. 

all because our pipes froze.

it's ok to let go of toxic

ok this is not my typical post

but im trying to write "less perfect" 

and just write more

the goal of these is to get closer to writing music again

so this is my thought for today

so it's not all tied up in a bow

where i see the best in all situations 

this is just about toxic relationships 

and how to let go

I know we've heard this over and over

but there is just something clicking in me

to finally start seeing toxic 

in the past i've seen a lot of things as my fault

I call myself "a learner" or a "forgiver" 

so I will learn from hard relationships

or give forgiveness to them when they're wrong

and YES all of those are important

i'm a believer in jesus and he is the ultimate forgiver

however I don't believe he gives us wisdom to keep staying in toxic 

maybe turning the other cheek is creating boundaries 

space so you can heal and pray and love from afar 

and not be in their path of harm and distruction

all these years as seeing everything as my fault

and mine to fix

I think i'm just having eyes to see toxic

and by NO MEANS am I perfect

we will be hurt by friends, relationships, jobs

but i'm talking about those who won't help themselves 

they don't want to heal

they blame you for everything

they harm you because they hurt 

they never apologize but rationalize their behavior

they make you feel smaller and dumb

instead of apologizing for. both making mistakes and messing up

then they smile and laugh and move on like nothing happend

that's what im talking about 

those who don't want to heal or don't know how

so they're taking you down with them

so today i'm seeing it

i'm done seeing it as my fault 

and i'm opening my eyes just a little.

i don't want to let anyone define who I am

I don't want to be around someone that pretends to listen but just interrupts and talks over you

I don't want to be apart of someone pretending to listen to someones ideas and dreams

then steamrolls the room to get their ideas pulled through

I don't want to be around humble braggers

I don't want to be about someone who constantly needs to be the star of the show and be the one 

to save the day and put others down

i don't want to be around someone who makes me feel dumb for thinking different then them

that i need to jump on their way or you're just in the wrong

I believe in loving people and seeing the good and know you don't know everyones story

however that doesn't mean you don't need to set boundaries

that doesn't mean you need to stay around them

I don't believe you need to "get them back" or "teach them the right way" 

I think we just need to see these traits in people

and if you're like me and believe you can forgive or fix it

maybe what you're supposed to do Is just walk away

put boundaries there 

look for some of these traits

you're not crazy

if someone is doing these things 

they might be manipulating 

no relationship

friendship

job

family member 

is worth that. I just need to say it.

for those out there that are in some toxic relationships

it's not you

and that person is a human and needs healing and love too

but that might not be your place

MOST of the time it's not your job to fix them

counselors

doctors 

it's their roles 

this Is me recognizing 

toxic relationships 

this isn't about one person- this is about a habit in people

maybe we all can be toxic at times

but none of us need to stay in it

it's ok to put a boundary up

we don't need to make them out to be this horrible person

but we don't need to put them in the center of our life either

boundaries

changing my thought process 

on who I am

who I want in my life

one day at a time