remember the love.

we all remember

exactly

where we were when we heard.

i was coming home from volleyball practice

i walked into my dorm

and there are about 5 girls sitting in there.

i always left my door unlocked and they always crashed in my place

so this was a normal scene for me.

but the look on everyones faces

i won't ever forget.

no one knew what was going on.

everyone was in shock.

our RA grabbed her Bible and we all sat in the hall.

reading.

praying.

we had no idea what was going to happen.

they closed our campus immediately

because of the polymer science building

so we all had to leave

where were we going to go?

home was 3 hrs away.

i remember calling my mom bawling

thinking this was it

and that i was never going to see my family again.

ugh that feeling.

so i hopped in a car with some of my friends

and went to their parents

we sat around the tv for hours and cried

and prayed

and ate together

and tried to smile

but mostly cried

some of us had never been to nyc.

but it didn't matter.

it was our city.

our people.

all of us shared that pain.

we hugged and tried to tell each other it would be ok

but no one knew if it would

it's been 9 years.

9 years.

and sometimes i think we forgot what really happened that day.

a hate crime.

a horrific hate crime happened.

it doesn't matter the race. the religion.

hate is ugly no matter who does it.

a hate crime happened.

and we faced it with love.

we all came together.

ate with strangers.

cried and hugged with whomever was there.

for one day.

all we could do was love each other.

there was no other option

to love sooo deeply for those who were physically there

and love for the rest of us who were mentally attached.

we were soo sick with sadness that we would have done

anything that day for a stranger

anything.

given them food. money. let them stay at our homes.

we just loved.

because we all were suffering together.

we will always remember the day

but lets also remember what we felt.

we're all still hurting.

not just because of that day.

but because of life.

we all are suffering still.

heartache.

constantly.

so even though you may think life is dandy.

remember the days you were suffering and know

that not a day goes by that a stranger doesn't need you.

not a moment.

and 9 years ago we felt pain for someone else.

i mean physically felt someone elses heartache as our own.

we need to keep remembering that.

to keep on loving strangers.

not just when tragedy hits.

but everyday.

we don't need to remember how we felt that day.

once a year in september

everyday.

remember.

to love that deeply.

ache that hard for strangers.

how do you see it?

ok so this summer.

haha oh this summer.

i wish everyone could have a summer.

where they are totally humbled

and taken COMPLETELY out of their comfort zone.

i don't even feel like lindsay this summer.

i was telling my roommate the other night

"I don't even know where i fit anymore, i just know i have to keep going on this path and it will make sense someday"

anywho.

its been a think too much kind of summer.

but in a great way.

i think it's good to evaluate yourself everyonce in awhile.

i've learned two very big things.

one

I HATE TRAFFIC.

hate it.

hate it

hate it.

rush hour= stinky cheese

yuck.

two.

i have too much pride.

too much.

i never thought i did.

but i do.

and one comes in the form of people.

now i love people.

if i could put everyone in my pocket

i would.

but sometimes

especially this past year.

i've felt really used.

people liking my job more than me

i got pretty jaded last year ( i hate the word jaded. its kind of cheap, but it fits)

people talking music all the time.

people talking tv.

this one "hey if you ever need anyone, let me know, i'll work for free"

or "tell me about so and so.."

i felt like this whole town was fake.

everyone was fake.

everyone was going out to be seen.

everyone was trying to use everyone else.

(I'm not talking about my closest friends, they're the bomb.com)

but i just had enough of nashville and the fakeness.

.ENOUGH.

so i took a break.

i was tired of feeling used.

people only talking to me when they wanted things

people only being around me

when they wanted things

and this summer.

i've realized

i was wrong.

yes maybe i was being used sometimes.

but i was looking at it ALLL WRONG.

i wasn't being used.

God was giving me the chance to be used.

make sense.

i was seeing it as being used. walked on. stepped on. looking like a fool.

but it was a chance.

it's ALWAYS a chance.

to help someone.

it's just the way you look at it.

maybe they're looking at it at first as "yes. i will totally befriend her to get in"

but so what.

i was taught to show love and kindness.

no matter what.

not "if i feel like it" or "if i feel like loving them back" or "if they're not using me"

show it anyways.

the thing is.

it's all in how i look at it.

the little chances in life i get to make a difference

everyday we all talk about how "we can change the world'

we all know the quote from the founders of apple.

"this ones for the dreamers, the weird ones, the ones that think outside the box"

something like that.

anyways.

we're always looking for "that break. just one chance to change the world"

truth is.

we get many chances every day

all day.

but they don't look like what we think.

they're not the head of the record label

offering you a deal.

they don't come in a form of a big promotion

or "hey, i'm the perfect person ready to SWEEP you off your feet"

uh no.

i mean i believe in that.

but sometimes it's baby steps first.

baby steps up the stairs...(movie.what movie?")

they come in the form of

a friend needing an ear to listen.

someone behind you, having a bad day and whether or not you hold open the door.

or let it shut in their face.

it comes in the form of inviting someone at work to lunch.

even though you go to lunch with your fun friends.

it's the fact that she goes to lunch with no one.

it comes in the form of befriending

the unfriendable

or when you pass a homeless person

who you usually avoid eye contact with

because you don't want to give them money.

it comes in the form of

maybe they just want you to look up and smile.

just maybe that would make their day.

the little things.

i'm far from perfect. haha

way far away.

like im in never never land

away from perfect.

but the thing is.

i can't sit and wait for my big chance.

i can't wait for the next flood to hit nashville

for my heart to feel the need to help others

i can't wait for a car wreck in front of me

to have my "help the neighbor" moment

those moments are now

right now.

and i fail them everyday

we fail them everyday.

and the thing is...

those little moments

those are the ones that make us ready for the big ones.

sooo that being said.

it's all about how you look at it.

the little things.

that may not seem that important to you.

could be the moments

that change some ones life.

i had a crush on you if...

ok so it's my summer of yes.

yes to taking back my life.

not letting a career decide who i am.

letting love and faith lead the way.

soo...

i'm 27 and have dated like an idiot for the past 5 years.

ok my friend steph would say all through college too.

but i'm over it.

i'm sick of being stupid.

so here is a huge flaw of mine.

i think i'm a great person

i'm probably one of the most charming people you'll meet ;)

so i'm not trying to beat myself up

ha but this is a flaw

I HAVE GOT TO GET RID OF.

what better way than a blog huh?

here are my huge dating flaws

they USED TO EXIST

lately i've been really good about getting rid of them

but i think guys should know they're out there

idiots like me

outgoing

and talking to everyone

except the one she likes

let's play this game....

lindsay liked you if....

1. i talked to your best friend instead of you.

yeah i do this.

i also ALMOST ALWAYS

get asked out by the best friend.

example:

you and your friend walk in.

i have nothing NOTHING to say to you

but instantly bond with your bff paul

sorry bff paul.

i just am too nervous to talk to your friend Bob that I like

sorry bob that i ignored you.

it's just that i was too nervous around you.

2. I've danced with your best friend.

ha and i love to dance

so chances are

i've danced with your best friend

in hopes that you would ask me to dance

ughhh just ask me to dance fellas.

it's easier than this game

unless i held your hand after you danced with me

then i liked you

3. i couldn't hold a conversation with you.

news flash.

i can have the best conversation with a bookshelf.

if i couldn't form a sentence around you

i liked you

if a conversation is really awkward, example:

you: how are you today?

me: i like pencils. sometimes i use pens. but mostly pencils, except when i use markers.

yep.

i'm baffled and have noooo idea what words are spitting out of my mouth.

i liked you.

4. if i pretended i didn't see you.

sorry guys.

this one is HUGE for me.

i suck when it comes to this

example:

i'm at sushi yobi with friends

you walk in.

this place is smallllll.

narrow.... the waiting area is seen by the whole restaurant.

everyone sees you.

but i'm still looking the other way.

then you walk up to the table and i drop my chop sticks and act surprise.

yes.

i saw you and am 5 years old.

then i go back to number 1 and immediately start talking to your bff

and asked him to hang out and play volleyball instead of you.

yep

i was just hoping you would say

"i want to hang out too"

see they all tie together.

5. I emailed you or facebooked you instead of talking to you

ughhh i hate that I can't say what I want to guys in person.

actually most guys are like this too

text.

facebook.

email.

lamesauce.

instead of talking in person.

it's weak really.

imagine if our grandparents had done this?

been this lame?

where would we be?

so guys that i have liked

i'm sorry

sorry that i really liked you

and you probably felt a connection too

and then i played ALL SORTS of games

truth is.

it was just to make you come after me.

which is stupid.

but the truth.

i smile all the time.

laugh all the time so you don't see

that i really miss or like you.

girls do that.

we want to smile in pictures so you don't get it.

but really we just want you to ask us to go get coffee.

no more games.

good thing out of all of this

this summer

i've grown soo much.

it's sad that i wish i could have grown in the past

that maybe one of you would still be in my life

but what's done is done

but i've grown

and two.

i've written some really great songs out of the heartache this has caused me.

haha no seriously

lots of songs.

i'm random

it's over.

i've had it.

i need space.

tonight i've decided.

i'm taking off the facebook notifications.

i know. it's rash

but it must be done.

i can't handle it.

it sends me all these emails.

someone sent you a msg

someone wrote on your wall.

someone in east nashville is thinking about looking at your page.

enough.

enough.

and everytime it sends me a msg

i drop everything to read it.

it's lame.

lame.

so tonight i took them all off.

haha my roommate lara literally gasped when i told her.

so it is done.

i will not be chained to facebook.

no no no.

now i can focus on more important things.

life.

loving.

laughing.

twitter.

on more important news.

my nephew gabe is now reaching.

i think it's time for him to make his blog debut.

world.

meet gabe.

he rocks.

he's got beautiful almost violet eyes.

he's a looker.

i tell my sister that he has a wise old man spirit.

he will have a sail boat.

play checkers in the park while wearing argyle.

and know how to love everyone all the time and be peaceful.

and then there is dylan.hahah wild. watch out.

i'm writing a song for dylan.

because yesterday she got on the phone and goes

"winndddseey! hi"

"hi dylan how is your baby brother?"

"baby brudda! alkjfewoijflakdjaofjoewijkljllfksajdfokajwoejw"

haha and then i get

"i wuv you aunt winddseeyyy!"

so she gets a song.

done.

and you know it's going to be a good one

when the words "keep dreaming" make me bawl just thinking of singing them to her.

ahhhhh i've got a big heart.

judge if you must.

that's all folks.

back to writing

and reading my nicolas sparks book.

that's right.

that's what single girls do to keep their faith in romance alive.

read nicolas sparks books.

hahaha

night.

out of shape

don't you hate when you get out of shape?

you just feel gross.

when you climb those steps and can't breathe?

most of the time when you think of being out of shape.

you think of your body.

well today i wore my favorite pumps.

they're TALL.

we're talking 4"

anyways when I got home

my feet hurrrrtttt.

i wear flats and flip flops all summer

and forgot that my feet aren't ready for heels

they're out of "pump" shape.

guitar.

anyone who plays the guitar knows.

when you first start.

ouch.

you develop calluses on your fingers.

it's kind of weird.

and if i go for more than a week or so with out playing.

i have to build them up again.

hot i know.

but i've got to keep them in shape or else.

pain.

spelling.

i had to take a spelling test yesterday.

i misspelled sincerely.

yep that's a 5th grade level word.

my brain needs some working out FOR SURE.

directions.

ever since GPS.

how many of us can read a map?

who needs to?

who even needs to know how to remember to get to harris teeter.

just mapquest it.

texting.

don't get me started.

when did we lose the art of picking up the phone?

i'm just as bad, it's just easier.

dating.

yes i know.

everyone knows this is my summer of yes.

i've told everyone about it.

i've just been sooo busy with work.

i got REAL out of shape with dating.

i forgot how.

i forgot how to let a guy date me.

so this summer.

we're working that out.

guys you can apply with my friend mandy.

she's doing the screening process.

anyways.

i had to step outside my situation and acknowledge

my dating life is out of shape.

my point is we let things get out of shape.

we spend so much time trying to keeping our bodies in shape.

but what about other things.

all those things take EXERCISE.

practice.

once you get in a routine of being out of shape.

it's hard to get back in.

it's like being obese.

years of eating mcdonalds

chipotle :)

and never working out.

hard hard habits to break and get in shape.

so when you are working out.

think about what in your life

is out of shape.

spiritual life?

when was the last time you let go and gave it to God?

love life?

when did you last love someone and expect NOTHING back?

i know when i think about it.

i have a lot to get in shape.

i'll start with dating and texting.

and see how in shape i can get:)

be inspired.

if you're not inspired to make life better.

than you've quit dreaming.

if you've quit dreaming.

than you're just not living.

i don't really watch tv.

ironic considering my job.

i know.

but i really love some commercials.

the ones that REALLY just motivate you.

here are some of my favorites.

i love them so much that i watch them on youtube sometimes.

just for some extra motivation.

yeah i know.

i WAS that girl that bought the motivational posters from the school that the teachers had

"he who is not courageous enough to take risks will accomplish nothing in life" Muhammed Ali

one of my favorite ones.

i had them all over my house.

they kept me going somehow.

they were just words but somehow i kept hope through them.

judge if you must.

anywho.

they're only commercials.

but sometimes this is all you need.

just a little commercial to remind you.

we're all the same.

the only difference is the ones who actually follow their heart.

it's ok to be just ok

when people ask "hey! how are you?!"

most people respond "I'm well, how about you?!"

when my friend Krystal asked me i said

"uhhhh i'm ok. i mean good, i'm good!"

she said to me "it's ok to be just ok lindsay"

i loved it.

don't get me wrong.

i'm a very happy person.

very blessed.

but i want to be honest about something.

i'm not always happy.

i may be an optimist.

i try and find the light in everything.

but that doesn't mean i don't want to cut someone.

haha inside joke, i wouldn't really cut someone :)

that doesn't mean i don't get mad or sad.

it just means i think it's important to try and find happy.

so i feel like saying.

to you.

it's ok to be ok.

i think if there is something i've learned in the past year of soul searching.

it's this.

it's ok to look weak.

it's ok to let your closest friends in.

and see you struggle.

and to trust that they will not hold it against you.

ever.

it's ok to miss someone you barely know.

it's ok to feel connected to someone just because you liked the way they smiled at you.

once.

it's ok to feel crazy that you think about someone.

based on just a feeling and nothing else.

it's ok to want someone near you.

to feel like you are connected.

even if you barely know them.

it's ok to feel completely lost in the world.

like you don't even fit in.

it's ok to just put on a smile sometimes.

because trying to explain the reason why you're not smiling is too hard.

it's ok to make mistakes.

it's ok to change your mind

1000 times.

it's ok to be speechless around someone.

even though you're the girl that can talk to a tree stump.

it's ok if you never make sense around him.

because he makes you that nervous.

and it's ok to believe someday the words will come.

it's ok to write songs about how you feel because it's easier than speaking the words.

it's ok to move hundreds of miles away.

because you want to be with the boy you love.

and then end up missing your friends terribly.

it's ok to change your mind or be confused.

it's ok to cry to your friends about it and know that you will never be replaced.

i'm not saying it's ok to be angry all the time.

it's not ok to be mean.

but i am saying that if you're doing it right.

if you're truly soul searching.

truly listening to your feelings and life.

you're not going to be ok all the time.

you're going to get lost.

you're going to feel really out of place and stupid sometimes.

you're going to cry and feel alone.

so i guess if you're doing it right.

you're going to feel "just ok" sometimes.