it's ok to let go of toxic

ok this is not my typical post

but im trying to write "less perfect" 

and just write more

the goal of these is to get closer to writing music again

so this is my thought for today

so it's not all tied up in a bow

where i see the best in all situations 

this is just about toxic relationships 

and how to let go

I know we've heard this over and over

but there is just something clicking in me

to finally start seeing toxic 

in the past i've seen a lot of things as my fault

I call myself "a learner" or a "forgiver" 

so I will learn from hard relationships

or give forgiveness to them when they're wrong

and YES all of those are important

i'm a believer in jesus and he is the ultimate forgiver

however I don't believe he gives us wisdom to keep staying in toxic 

maybe turning the other cheek is creating boundaries 

space so you can heal and pray and love from afar 

and not be in their path of harm and distruction

all these years as seeing everything as my fault

and mine to fix

I think i'm just having eyes to see toxic

and by NO MEANS am I perfect

we will be hurt by friends, relationships, jobs

but i'm talking about those who won't help themselves 

they don't want to heal

they blame you for everything

they harm you because they hurt 

they never apologize but rationalize their behavior

they make you feel smaller and dumb

instead of apologizing for. both making mistakes and messing up

then they smile and laugh and move on like nothing happend

that's what im talking about 

those who don't want to heal or don't know how

so they're taking you down with them

so today i'm seeing it

i'm done seeing it as my fault 

and i'm opening my eyes just a little.

i don't want to let anyone define who I am

I don't want to be around someone that pretends to listen but just interrupts and talks over you

I don't want to be apart of someone pretending to listen to someones ideas and dreams

then steamrolls the room to get their ideas pulled through

I don't want to be around humble braggers

I don't want to be about someone who constantly needs to be the star of the show and be the one 

to save the day and put others down

i don't want to be around someone who makes me feel dumb for thinking different then them

that i need to jump on their way or you're just in the wrong

I believe in loving people and seeing the good and know you don't know everyones story

however that doesn't mean you don't need to set boundaries

that doesn't mean you need to stay around them

I don't believe you need to "get them back" or "teach them the right way" 

I think we just need to see these traits in people

and if you're like me and believe you can forgive or fix it

maybe what you're supposed to do Is just walk away

put boundaries there 

look for some of these traits

you're not crazy

if someone is doing these things 

they might be manipulating 

no relationship

friendship

job

family member 

is worth that. I just need to say it.

for those out there that are in some toxic relationships

it's not you

and that person is a human and needs healing and love too

but that might not be your place

MOST of the time it's not your job to fix them

counselors

doctors 

it's their roles 

this Is me recognizing 

toxic relationships 

this isn't about one person- this is about a habit in people

maybe we all can be toxic at times

but none of us need to stay in it

it's ok to put a boundary up

we don't need to make them out to be this horrible person

but we don't need to put them in the center of our life either

boundaries

changing my thought process 

on who I am

who I want in my life

one day at a time 

a slow ache

the odd thing about today

is I was content with where I was 

with who was around me

I giggled 

I was content

working

eating 

living

grown content

thankful for a pattern

and that is good

it is good

a pattern is good

the people around me are good 

yet at the end of the day today

out of nowhere 

a few tears dropped

I was like "why are tears falling" and I just knew

this slow ache all day

this sense in my heart of something missing

there is more to live out

more to the story

and it's been a content season

but I feel it in my bones, and hear it in gentle whispers

be prepared to open my hands to something

I don't know what

but it's time

maybe comfort and routine was never going to be the life with me and God

for years i've aimed for just routine

and maybe that was never his plan

or maybe it was for a season

to rest during it

my heart stirs

or maybe it's ache? 

aching for so much more

something more fierce

more risky

there is this part of me

that knows I was never made for normal

I can't rest in "normal"

maybe none of us were meant to rest in it

but I know for sure I was not

I keep trying to be normal

but I just know the american dream

the do a+b+c= retirement on the beach isn't me 

isn't who he made me

I dont know where he has me going 

but I can't deny the path of risk

his path for me

because i'll never be able to sleep

never be able to settle into a place that isn't for me

I know part of that ache and stirring is heaven

i'm meant for heaven

and someday we'll all be there

but I don't think heaven on earth is me getting all the money

and all the success

I think it's going to be living out the adventure with the Lord

I think it's time to embrace my enneagram 7ness again

it's been so nice resting

so nice being in normal

it grew my soul in such pure ways

such strong ways

and it's time again

I have no idea what the next step with him is

but I will say yes-

to whatever

whomever it is

my heart is ready to beat fast again

im still here

i'm trying to write again

trying to find the words in my life 

hoping to sing again

writing helps me feel

helps me see, helps me wonder 

so im trying to write again.

I used to write about all the light I saw everywhere

in every little thing

which is an amazing outlook

seeing good in a woman you pass on the street

or the good in everything

the love I felt

the hope I felt for love 

I used to be able to sing about all kinds of things

but then everything got hard

everything got heavier

I got older haha 

it got harder 

and I didn't know what to do 

I didn't know what to do when I couldn't see good anymore 

so I just stopped writing

stopped singing

tried to stop feeling and just get through the days

because if you can't see positive and if you can't feel good and joy 

then you need to not feel at all right? 

so that's what I tried to do

get through day by day

and not feel

and I know we can't live on feelings 

but what I also wasn't doing when I was trying not to feel

was blocking healing

blocking growth

so slowly I let negative things in

and slowly started talking to the lord about them

giving them over to him

slowly started feeling again

and it wasn't pretty feelings 

but it was all I had 

and he took it and healed

and grew me in such lovely ways

and there was a small group of friends surrounding me

to hold my hand and lead me towards him

***** side tangent for a moment

i've always loved a lot of people

and felt loved by many

made friends quickly and felt deeply for them quickly

but I will say... when ugly comes out

only a few can really handle that

when you're needing to shed some ugly

and work through things 

only a small group are there

and that is good to see and know

lots of people can be loved by you and be in your life

but it's the tiny group- that love you in it all

and this isn't a diss on anyone- just a good thing noticed

thankful for the tiny group to be there in the hardest

I only had room for the tiny group

**** side tangent over

I don't know the point of this writing

who writes blogs anymore?

ha but all I know is I need to write again

it's not all going to be good 

but it needs to come out

maybe there is a ton of fat

flubber

junk

grub

goop

on top of the good stuff and I have to keep writing the goop (I think goop is a good word) to get to the nitty gritty good stuff

so here is my goop

writing words

to hopefully get to songs again

hopefully find songs to sing again

this isn't about nashville or all the other singers in nashville 

screw all of that 

I was here before all of that

I was born a singer and a writer and I don't care how many writers or singers come here

i'm still one of them

still a writer

still have a song

no matter if 1 million other people in nashville do or not

I need to keep letting the goop out (haha i'm not letting goop go, maybe the first song I sing again will be called goop)

I will keep writing weird, bad not awesome,"what was the point of that" stuff

until I get to the one that when I write it

I cry

sob

because I knew I hit core 

hit something 

a song that I know needs to be out

needs to be sung

in hopes that someone else needs to hear it too

needs to feel it

not to feel to feel

but to feel to heal

feel the song to know that someone else hears that, sees that, has felt it In lift and knows

they're not alone

Songs have that kind of power 

power to bring us together

iwant to find that again

the power to sing a song that mends us together

in a time where we all live in our own box

the "YOU DO YOU" generation

garbage

we need each other

we need to sing songs together

share life

so im going to keep writing

for myself

and hopefully someday

for someone else too

you're doing your best

you did your best

you made the best decisions at the moment

you made mistakes, missed chances but you were doing your best little lady

be kind to yourself

know that the father loves you and his grace is wider than you know

you did not mess it all up 

adn this is not the end of the story

the end of the story is heaven

and it's more beautiful than you can imagine

but trust that he makes beautiful things

out of our lives and is still over it all 

be kind to yourself

be proud that you're doing it

and keep going don't give up

keep taking risk and making choices 

he's right by your side

you haven't messed it all up

it's not over

keep picking and deciding and trusting he's helping the doors open and helping them close

he wants you to make decisions

he knows they won't be perfect

ohhhh he knows

but keep making decisions

keep praying and asking

and keep going

I walk a squiggly line

i've done a lot of things

i've tried a lot of things

and I would say most of the time I learn a lesson hard

fall hard and get back up all the wiser

i guess I just haven't been very scared to try-- take a risk-- and see

one of my favorite taco shops, baja taco, has appx 2 parking spots. haha they had more in the back but it used to be a FIGHT to get one of the front spots. Anyways I always used to go there and say "someone has to get a front spot, it might as well be me." Most people would just go straight to the back but not me, I would troll those two spots and a lot of times I get one! I know that's not a risk- but I lived a lot of my life with that motto.

my old boss and friend Cara once said "you know what I love about you... is when you mess up you you're not afraid to admit you messed up and you usually learn from it and don't do the same thing twice." 

I can't remember wha I had messed up in that moment at work but it stuck with me. I took it as a great compliment from her. I remember loving that about myself. that i'm not afraid to try..go for it....expect that if I mess up i'll be ok and get up and figure it out. 

I got older.

and sometimes falling and getting back up hurt a lot more

stung a little bit more

I took risk that had bigger losses than before

I think after awhile I kind of stopped trying

i started just "getting in line" with the rest of the world

doing what the other grey haired people do

just do the normal--- and stop taking so many risk--settle down wit yo bad self

but realized I couldn't

that God didn't make me for a straight line

in fact he had already delivered me from trying to be perfect and would NOT 

let me go back to trying to be that girl again

every time I tried to do the "straight line" thing

it didn't seem to work

worked for others but not for Lindsay

I think i'm supposed to keep being  curious

keep being ok with taking risk

and life looking different

and keep on getting hit a bit..but getting back up....

***Insert Rocky Quote right here--- you know the one**** 

these lyrics from needtobreathe hit me so good...I think i'm just going to keep living a life that NEEDS Jesus to show up with Miracles everyday...little ones...and big ones... not the life I can control..but a life were i'm the daughter and he takes care of me.

"I don't need silver linings

I don't need so much more

I just need room to be wrong sometimes

that's all i'm hoping for

I feel like we could find it

if we knocked on heaven's door

i'd say God, i'm only human

you'd say that's what i'm here for

writers need to live a life to write about

this post is for my single friends.. and maybe my older retired friends too...

there is this cute show on Apple called "home before dark" 

it's about a family and the dad is a writer and a reporter and his little 4th grader follows in his footsteps

she tries to find out mysteries in her dads small home town and writes about it

anywhooooo in one of the episodes the dad tells the little girl that she needs to stop investigating for one night

that she needs to go live her life..that in order to write about life she has to live it.. that's what writers do.. they have to live life..see it..experience it then write about it..

got me. 

has life felt not very interesting lately? to anyone else? nothing to really write home about? Maybe that's why we're all just posting photos of food and just following influencers? Because we're not living a life worth writing home about? Well for me I feel like i've got in this comfort zone and it's pretty...boring.

I get it I get it-- life isn't always mountain tops and exciting adventures- it doesn't need to be the freaking best day ever every day---but-- you should be able to sit in a room with your friend and be like "wow that was a moment i'll remember for a long time" we laughed hard over a silly convo or i'm so glad we went Tubing today -- or that guy we met at the pool with the short shorts was a gem. memories. moments.  I feel like they've been few this year because online has been high- watching fake life on tv and insta vs. living life.

are you living life or watching others make up a story for you.

and i know it's not all bad-- hellooo TED LASSO INSPIRES ME SO MUCH.hahah but it's so easy being single to get into a routine of home after work, cook some food, watch a show and go to bed early. haha ok just me? I love early mornings so I'm in bed so early! 

and those are great- great to get rest- but it doesn't all need to be rest- especially my extraverted friends--- the way we fuel is by living a life with strangers and people.... playing volleyball or talking to the stranger at the pool.. or playing board games with your friends instead of just watching tv... it can be in the little moments too-- but just taking the time to create those moments and notice them-- vs.. I don't know... each of us just staying in our own homes living our own lives and kind of coasting.

i used to write songs-- I had so much to write about---I have a friend that for about 15 years- anytime I see him he ask "hows the new song coming" ha he NEVER lets it go...

I think it's time for us all to write a new song--- do something a little fresh- even if it means going alone and going outside the box--let's all try--- add some spice back into the week-- write that new country song :) 

does growing up look like giving up?

Did you give up living your life? The life you were when you were a kid---- I mean we can't be kids forever obvi-- but did you give up believing in yourself- believing in a life that is important and full of joy. I think I hit a point where I just kind of thought "it's time to be normal, it's time to settle down and be normal" and to be honest, me trying to be normal doesn't really work. Somehow it looked like me stop living and trying to be something else. 

I have a sweet friend whose mama just passed. But when she was in hospice she was making hair and lunch appts. my friend said some people thought she should stop her and bring her back to reality, but my friend didn't. My friend kept letting her mom make appts till the day she passed. her mom lived her life till the very last moment- scheduling and kept going not knowing if she'd get to eat that lunch or get her hair done. 

I told my friend sometimes I wish I was that hopeful and faithful with life as her mom. some days I just waste a day with being stuck. Not knowing which step to take next, or maybe having fear of being different and taking a different step that I just don't take any. So I just sit--- and miss a day-- and another day.

I want to be more like her mama- living a life with a goal- with a mission- like 12 year old Lindsay did- She was NOT concerned with the American dream as a little girl. 

At 30 something ;) I have gotten very concerned with the American dream and how I don't have it.... and how I need it. I got so focused on "normal"... I forgot that I have another story to live right now--- and to find it and go for it--- that I have to keep going towards something amazing and fun which is me and my story God made just for me. And yes it will be hard and there will be mistakes and set backs but it's the only one made for me.

The past year or so... I haven't really made many mistakes other than not trying for anything at all. I'm being vulnerable here- for the 1 person that might read this- I've become more "normal" than I ever have been- and I just don't like it. it's boring- I want to fight for things and work hard for things and set goals and achieve and fail. LIVE LIFE. 

Yahweh made us to live a life-- He did--- and i'm not talking prosperity gospel here- it's not all Millions of dollars and perfect health and just perfect. Life is hard and tragic and things don't always go your way and we will NOT understand His will most of the time- but I do know this--- he wants us to keep pursuing him--- keep going towards the gifts we've given-- keep being a light and trying for things- trust for him to come through on things that are bigger than us.

That's all-  I needed to write this to myself- this is a letter to Lindsay Michelle Frail... GET UP... 

growing up doesn't mean giving up who you are. 

keep going with who you are--- even if it's hard ...WHEN it's hard.

what if it takes 40 years to write that book

keep writing

20 years to write a song

keep singing

keep going 

30 years to find a mate

keep dating

Even if you don't see it on this side of heaven--- isn't it better to keep trying till the day you die than your heart to die while you're on earth. 

ok bye. mic drop.