Tuesday, March 20, 2012

in my daughter's eyes

i had a tough day today
pretty just ..
in my own head kind of tough
doubting what i'm doing in life
if i'm really hearing him
or am i making it all up?
the radical
insane things
God is calling me to do
doubting all of it

today i doubted the things he is placing on my heart
doubted the people he is placing on my heart
it's too hard God
it doesn't make sense
i picked doubt
i picked fear
i picked the world over Him

on my way home i heard this song
it's a song from a mom to her daughter
always reminds me of my mama
and i turned the station
heard the chords
i was going to change it because I wasn't in the mood for it
(sorry martina)
and i just heard God say to listen
from me to you
and for the first time I heard the lyrics like it was
from the father
about me

and this was the exact part i heard
from him to me

It's hangin' on when your heart
has had enough
It's giving more when you feel like giving up
I've seen the light
It's in my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes I can see the future

A reflection of who I am and what will be
Though she'll grow and someday leave
Maybe raise a family
When I'm gone I hope you see how happy
she made me
For I'll be there
In my daughter's eyes 

i had to pull the car over
you shouldn't drive and bawl
it's more dangerous than texting and driving

but how awesome and humbling
and creative is He?
to speak to me in song
 because i'm too small
to even GRASP
what he's placing on my heart
He finds a way to reach me

to tell me He loves me
to hang on
keep picking faith
even if it seems radical
He has us
He has me

every day
every moment
i get to choose
to fear God
or fear the world
i get to choose to be used
or to fear being used

and sometimes
a lot of times
i pick the world
i fear what the world thinks

I've just realized
i'm not a good rule follower
i'm not a good in the box thinker
i'm only good
when i'm radical
when what God puts on my heart
that I have to go "nooooo way is that going to happen"
because only in those radical moments
when i can't even grasp the concept of how it would work
do i actually get out of my own way
to see him

and thankfully
in the war of doubt and faith
He always wins
He has won
and he is jealous for me
and wants me too

Psalm 28:7 "The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song."