Friday, December 16, 2011

The sound of God's voice


you know when people say
"I heard God tell me to tell you this?"
or
"I feel God is calling me to this.."

There are plenty of people that have never said that
they probably think I'm crazy or that God only speaks to me
or a few people

nope
not the case at all
He speaks to all of us

To me He's not a loud Morgan Freeman
He doesn't leave me obvious voicemails
"Hey Linds, It's God, need to talk call me back it's urgent!"
no no it's not like that
it takes effort sometimes to hear him
most of the time
i have to turn off music
work friends
turn it all off to hear

when I'm at home praying
or just sititng in silence
He comes in the form of a new idea
usually a crazy idea
or he'll come in the form of lyrics
i just have to write down
and then somehow he'll give me a tune
to sing those new words too

God sounds like the most ridiculous idea i've ever had
the idea of moving away from my family and friends
because He said go to Nashville
or the idea of going into a "random" high school
nervous
to find those "random"students
and making their life a part of yours
showing them who Jesus is
while you're still learning too

He sounds like a love story too good to be true
He sounds like my biggest fear made small
He sounds perfect
He sounds far more gracious than we can ever understand

then I let the world in
i let doubt creep in
and make me second guess if I ever heard Him at all
but He speaks
and when I get confused
I can ask again and He'll speak again

All the YL leaders are reading a book for Advent season
and I'm in the chapter of "yes"
it talks about Hearing God and saying "yes" to Him
and there is one part I starred 3 times
i'm one of those.
i circle.
hightlight star my books up

ha anywho.
it was this

"Knowing the will of God is not enough; doing it is what matters. Here our desire to avenge ourselves, to explain ourselves, to be understood, to maintain personal comfort and security, to have our lives make sense to others or be validated by them is subordinated to the deeper desire to say yes to God and joining God in what He is doing. This kind of obedience might mean that, for a time at least, we are willing to look like a fool to everyone else because God's wisdom is the foolishness of this world."

He sounds foolish to the world
But He sounds clear to those that listen

He might be a peaceful whisper sometimes
or a loud loud noise
but He's talking
And He speaks to all of us

Even you
Especially you

He's speaking right now
so open your ears
it may not sound like what you think it would sound like
but He wants you to hear

Thursday, December 8, 2011

squirt. the happy little Christmas tree.


i know i've lived out of home for awhile. but i've never bought a Christmas tree.
i dont know why
i guess in college you don't buy them because you go home
and i've always lived in a house with a roommate
who had a fake one
well this year
no fake
and i debated and debated
thinking "i'm going home in a week, is it worth it?"
insert my roommate amanda
"ummm you're miss Christmas, you'll regret it and bug me about it forever if you don't!"
haha soooo
we go to kroger
that's right kroger
they had big trees
beautiful trees
and then this one

it's about 2 ft tall
and lopsided
and i fell in love instantly
it just needs a home
so we adopted it
and named it squirt

we get him home.
and he just wants to sleep.
haha did i mention he's lopsided
we've got a stage 4 leaner on our hands
"come on squirt, you can do it, stand up!"


finally get him to balance
by putting on about 4 ornaments because that's all he'll hold
and prop him up on a wooden box
to make him appear a bit taller ;)
amanda tapes on the star
i don't have a star
so we improvised
and here he is
in all his glory
he has a tutu around his base as a skirt
ha a gift one of my coworkers made me
i LITERALLY jumped up and down after we finished.
squirt is quite the handsome tree i must say
all the neighbors will be jealous

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

what i've learned from zach frail


18 years
i don't really know what to say
time really does fly

18 years
who would have thought you would have made it this long
in our family
with hil and i as your sisters
i'm surprised you haven't disowned us
one of us probably should have punched the other by now
haha seriously
congratulations
you've made it 18 years

haha all jokes aside

i've learned so much from you

I've learned how to laugh
you're constantly showing me that life isn't that serious
you're always showing me how to laugh loud
when life is really funny
and to laugh even louder when life hands you hard times

i've learned how to be immature
when you wore your cowboy boots and pjs outside
or everytime when you get your hands wet, touch my face and say
"oh i just went the bathroom!"
haha I ALWAYS get mad at that
then just laugh
or the "donnn'ttttt smile game"
ha you can never stay mad at me if I play that game
i've learned that life is just too short
to ever be a grown up

i've learned what it is to be selfless
when you go to pats donuts and cream to get us donuts
even though you're NOT a morning person
you like to do it because it makes us all smile
or how you watch one of the Potter movies with me
EVERY time I'm home
because i love them

you've shown me that it's better to give then receive
every Christmas every holiday
I watch you have pure joy
pure. joy.
over giving someone a gift
like the time you gave me Cinderella III for my birthday
you knew I had never seen it
who even knew there was a Cinderella III
haha
but you knew i loved disney movies and singing the songs
so you thought it was the perfect gift.
i loved that gift
so thoughtful

I've learned that I am not perfect
you told me no one expects me to be perfect
you've taught me to let myself off the hook every once and awhile
and to learn from my imperfections
learn to keep growing in all the imperfections
and to love myself how i am

i've learned what real love is
the way you are with dylan and gabe
the way you had to have them in your senior pictures
the way you give up your weekends to hang out with me when im home
and even though
you've gotten your "mouth"
from me
i see it with the way you are with mom and dad too

i've learned that you have your own conversations with God
and just like God talks to me
He talks to you too
and that I don't need to worry or plan your life
what i think is best
is not actually always best

haha that was hard for me to type

you will always be my little brother
always Zachius to me
even as you grow up
make your own decisions
huge life decisions
you will be little to me
all 6'2" of you
will be little

but you are wise.
wiser than you know
i feel blessed to get to grow up with you
i'm excited to see you continue to grow
just promise me
you'll never become an adult
always keep that kid in you alive.
promise.

happy 18th birthday
love you
your 2nd favorite sister
linds


Thursday, November 17, 2011

Long distance is hard

long distance relationships are hard
very hard
they take a lot of work
it takes a humble soul
someone that says "i know i called you first last time, i'll call you again this time!"
someone that isn't afraid they're interrupting your life
but someone that wants you to know you're on their mind
and isn't afraid to show it

it's not someone that says "eh I'll talk to you when you're back in three weeks"
it's that person that can be happy that you're having fun away from home
but wants you to know they're thinking of you
missing you
keep the relationship going
instead of letting silence win.

wanna know why my best friends are my best friends?
because they don't make me feel guilty for being gone
they don't say "you're always busy"
they just say "we miss you and can't wait to see you soon"
they aren't mad that i have inside jokes
with people they might never meet
people i love
they are confident in my love for them
in our friendship
relationship

they send me videos to make me laugh
 http://vimeo.com/24204070
or they send emails at 4am saying:

"Hi buddy! I miss you lots and lots too<3 I am about to run out for work but I didn't want to miss the opportunity to tell you that you are loved! Smile:]"

so whether it's a friend
or it's a boyfriend
or a family member

long distance relationships are tough
really tough
and sometimes it's just a text saying
"i thought of you today"
it's the effort
the pride put aside
just to let someone know they're missed
and even if it's just a tweet saying

"GUM" time freeze

they know
i know
distance has nothing
on our love
and bond.


that's all
i just feel very loved.
and blessed.


side note
i went for a jog this morning
hahaha everytime
still
when i run by the white house
i get nervous that the government
is watching me
haha
the jig is up


back to my Christmas music
today is a fun day at work.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

it's not supposed to make sense.

it's the night before the awards.
i can't sleep
so many things
running through my head
so many things
just running through every. single. detail.

i'm just excited
nervous

i stood at rehearsals today
almost in tears
just thinking
how much i love music
how much i love these people
i'm exhausted
and just can't stop thinking
and laughing

that God knew i would be here
with these people
no way i would have ever picked them
no way i ever COULD have picked them
friends twice my age
1/2 my age
different cultures
from all over the country
all over the world
best friends
akron. murray state. vanderbilt
people i love
people i cry with.
family that i wasn't born into
but family none the less.



a friend sent this to me tonight
she believes in love
even if he lives in another country
even if it looks ridiculous from the outside looking in
even though it looks like a "yeah right that's insane"
she believes
and i love to see her faith
when the world says "uh no"

where would we all be if we all just let go of "what makes sense"
and just loved?
maybe we would be able to see God.

im so thankful i just let go
and fell in love with these people
so glad i didn't turn away because they didn't make sense
haha they DON'T make sense
so glad that
even though i was thinking "no way...."
even though the world was saying "that's not realistic"
God just held on to my heart
and said "watch what I can do"

night.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

mice are for men

i think most of the time
i would consider myself
strong
sometimes. ha
a tomboy at times for sure

but there are times.
a lot of times
were i am just
A GIRL
i am not wanting to do things
certain things are just
"man things"
this weekend i found myself yelling
"i need a man to come over and handle this!!"
then laughing...
then crying..
no joke.


this story is real
this is my life.
this really happened.

it all started when my dear friend amanda came into town to visit
lovely weekend
we we're relaxing on her last night
after a busy busy weekend
and we're watching scary movies on the couch
and we see him

a mouse
gus gus

in my house.
i convince myself no way
he must have just been passing through
but we better get a trap to catch him the next day
just in case he didn't leave
a trap..that should be easy
it was a two pack
but i CERTAINLY won't need the second one

haha right.

trap set.
within 10 min
we hear him.
caught.
gus gus in safe trap

after a little screaming and
me basically making my dear friend
and HOUSE GUEST
take care of him
he's caught
in the cookie tub.
safe ready to be set outside.




















We felt very confident
WE DID IT!!!
we didn't even have to call our dads!!
VICTORY
(insert rocky theme song and victory lap here)
















we sit back down on the couch
ready to continue watching our scary movie
then we hear it
1 min after sitting down
what sounds like a DOG in my closet
something got caught in the second trap
and this one...
sounded like it weighed more than me
knocking over everything in my storage closet
i am screaming
almost hyperventilating
"what in the WORLD did we just catch"
i'm ok with just leaving it in there forever
"no need to really see what's in there, let's just keep it there"

haha amanda is WAY more brave than me
she opens the door.
another one.
gus gus's friend
ewwwwwww
this is the point i start screaming
"i can't do this..i'm only a girl.."
i'm half kidding and half DEAD SERIOUS
there it is.
only his tail is the trap
so he's just running around with a trap
on it's tail.
knocking over everything in my closet.
i start crying
i feel horrible
crying.
praying
then laughing at how stupid we're acting.
haha i didn't know what to do

so we did this.
we line the doorway with paint cans
this way we could protect ourselves
by standing on them
and try and get him into another tupperwear container



















yeah
let's just say
lots of screaming
lots of crying
(on my end)
lots of "Lord why am i single i can't catch a mouse!!"
hahah truly comical
one point i couldn't breath from laughing and screaming so much.

the ways we tried to catch this thing
lots of jiffy reduce fat peanut butter was used
tupperware taped to the end of a paintbrush roller
tape
haha lots of failed attempts
1 hr of our lives gone forever
but we got him.
still alive
set free outside
and only a few things in my house broken.
haha

this shelf fell off the wall
i need a new broom
and some new tupperware
oh and a new remote control




















i'm very big on being strong
and trying your hardest to figure things out
but
spiders
mice
snakes

those are for the boys
and i get to be the damsel in distress




Saturday, October 15, 2011

Roy

so it's been a crazy football season
and no i'm not talking NFL
and i'm definitely not talking about OSU's season
we're not talking about their "rebuilding" year
haha

i'm talking about my brothers senior high school season.
senior
so i've driven home 3 times in the past 6 weeks
that's 6 hrs each way
for a total of 36 hrs in the car
alone.
so even though i love all 3500 of my songs on my ipod
sometimes
i need something more

i was given something more
a few months back.
a farewell talk
from a YL leader
named Bill Goans

i love listening to it
it's a great way to fill 45 min of this very long drive
i laugh during his talk
i always cry when he talks about his wife
always
sap i know.
and always get motivated when he talks about faith
being an action
a PERSISTENT action
not just something you read
something you do.
anyways i'm like YEAH GOD I HEAR YA
i'm moving
i'm doing it

sooo after bill is done talking
i wipe up my mascara
get out of my car
and start pumping my gas
thinking
Yes I love YL I love that it challanges me..
love it.

my thought is quickly interrupted
interrupted by a man

man: "excuse me miss....."
me:"uh huh?"
man:" my car broke down....i need to get to ohio to see my dad....lima ohio"
me: "you're from ohio, I'm from lima? what part?"
man:"uh he's there for work...but i need to get there to see him uh..."
me: zoning out... thinking to myself "you have GOT to be kidding this story isn't even consistent!!
man:"so anyways do you have any money to help me?"
me: at this point I don't know if he needs money to fix his car or if he needs money to help his father, but i look down and i am playing with my cross.

around my neck.

as i'm judging this man.

i'm playing with my cross necklace
and thinking of the bill goans speech.

i . just. heard.

no irony what so ever.

i just freeze.
get those goosebumps that i like to call
the holy spirit
and just freeze.

me:"sure. let me get my wallet."
now I KNOW this story is fake.
i know this.
i'm a college graduate.
but as i'm walking to my purse im thinking...this man
needs an action.

i give him some money

me: "what is your name?"
man: "roy ma'am, what is your name?" he grabs my hand to shake it
me: stunned that he asked my name. i don't know why "I'm lindsay roy, i hope you find your way to lima"
man "thank you so much"

i go into the gas station to get some subway
(my favorite road food)
and just think.

why did that action take so much work?
why was i judging him?
why was i doubting him?
why was it sooo hard to just love him and say "ok"

i am roy everyday.
everyday i make up a story
and maybe when i make up the story "yes God I will not do that again..."
maybe everytime i INTEND on doing the right thing
but i mess up
and yet everytime
EVERYTIME
God gives me another chance
gives me that $5
but his $5 is soo much more

what if all roy needed is someone to look him in the eye
shake his hand
believe that this time
he's going to take that money
take that "chance"
that forgiveness
and do something with it
and maybe he didn't that time
maybe when i left the gas station he went and bought drugs
i don't know.
but maybe
he decided to believe in God
because he saw an action

i'm not saying i'm jesus
at all.
but i'm saying ...we all are roy
we all need chance after chance to change
forgiveness
a chance
to not be judged
someone to smile at us and say
this is the time..the time to change it up roy
we all are shown grace daily
we all take that grace
but how many times do we actually show it
we need to do action more
i need to do action more.

as i get back in my car
with my flat bread sub
i drive away
and wave to roy
just sitting in his truck
and he just waves and smiles

maybe that was the day.
it all changed for roy
maybe it wasn't
but i know it was a great reminder
that faith means moving
and not just a spoken word
an action.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

smiling a lot lately

i don't know where to start
my heart is so happy
i've just laughed so hard
this past month
just laughed
a lot.

and if you really are having a good time.
i think it's important to just say
life is going well right at this moment.

so here is a list
of some things
that really have been making me smile
making my heart happy.


first off.
my brother.
let's start with him.
he's growing up into this amazing young lad.
i can't explain how proud i am of him.
truly.
he's a senior at Shawnee
everytime I go home to see him play football
and i know it embarrasses him
but i cry.
he's just
growing up to be a good man
and i'm proud.



then there are the BA friends.
seriously they made me laugh SO much this weekend at Sharptop.
they teach me how to not stress
how to laugh through life
that being honest is important
they show me to love big and
they're just pretty awesome
except when they FORCE me to eat too many cookies
and i feel sick :)


always my family.
no matter what
they just always seem to be there
dylan and gabe
seriously everytime i hold them
i think "there is no way i could love them any more than this moment"
then somehow
as they get older
i fall in love more.
and my parents and hil and stu
who would i be with out them?
 and then this group
this group right here
no matter how long we go
between girls night
because life is kicking all of our butts
this group
truly a gift from God
a true smile on my face
love them

that's it
i just don't know what else to say
except that i'm happy
and sometimes
we don't need to find anything to be worried or
overthink
sometimes we just need to say
Thank You Lord
I had a great day



Tuesday, September 20, 2011

excellent

i guess sometimes
when you think of someone that is
"excellent"
you think of...

the best musician.
best doctor.
that amazing friend who never lets anyone down
the worlds most famous public speaker.


michael jordan

whomever.

whatever they have.
it's a gift
something you don't have
or they are lucky.
yeah that's a better way to say it
they're just lucky

but i can tell you
not just from working closely with
some that people would call
"excellent" or "lucky"

i will tell you....

the only thing that separates


you and garth brooks..

is that he never stopped.

is not that he was given something excellent
i mean yes he was
but so were you.
the only thing that separates you and him
or whomever you look at as excellent

is the fact they don't let anything stop them
they keep singing when they miss that note
they keep playing when they miss the final shot
they keep teaching students even if 3 students failed last year.


see....
excellent isn't something only a few of us get to be

its. in. all. of. us.

it's just a matter if you're going to dig deep enough to find it.
or quit after you get to "mediocre"

so you failed.
once.
failed twice.
failed 100 times.

so what.

so people called you ridiculous.
so someone called you foolish
sooooo.


what is it that makes you tick?
what is it YOU FEEL SOOO CALLED TO YOU CAN'T STOP THINKING OF IT?

go towards that.
because if we all have excellence in us.
than whatever you are most passionate about
is going to be what brings it out in you.


it's not in some of us.
it's in all of us.

it's just a matter of


do we stand in our own way.
or do we keep going?
do we find excellence or do we quit?

what would the world be like if we all found our excellence we were given.
instead of thinking only a few people get to be excellent?


how much better would the world be if we all found that gift?
that discipleship we were all called to?


my new song

it's not perfect
it has a lot of flaws.
but it is my passion
so i will choose to keep going.
and bring you with me :)

Friday, August 26, 2011

somethings will never change

so i was making myself a salad
and i love putting almonds on it.
yummm.
so i grab my bag of almonds off my shelf.
and "plrrb"
(haha im sitting here trying to spell out the sound of the almonds falling)
but yes.
spill
alllll over the floor.
seriously?
I'm 28 years old.
how do i do this everytime?
how do i not know how to close a bag of almonds?

or last night.
i was dumping out the coffee grounds in the trash
preparing my coffee for the morning.
dork.
i know.
and "plop"
pile of coffee on my floor.
haha SERIOUSLY
the best is 1/2 goes in the trash
1/2 hits the rim so it flies
pretty far away
making a bigger mess for myself.

at least once a week i miss the trash can.
what is wrong with me?

then i think back.
i blame my parents really.
haha im kidding
it seems like the likely thing to do.
something wrong with the kid?
blame the rents.
but no. it's all my fault.
i'm just. well
just clumsy

and i've learned.
as i try to add good to the world
try to constantly grow and learn.
somethings.

somethings will never change.
haha ever.

i will always be the girl with
a little drop of toothpaste on her shirt

the girl that spills hot coffee
on herself and in her car

ALWAYS.

the one that trips over chords
well trips over anything really

the girl that runs into a chair
then apologizes to the chair
ha yeah not sure when that habit started.
my mom did teach me to be polite.
ha bet she never figured i would be polite to chairs

i will always be the car that isn't really
parked straight in the parking lot.
i'm more of a slanted parker.
haha

and as my mom will tell you
anything glass and me
well you know what happens there...

to throw away broken glass
you must put it in a box or a paper bag
tape it up
and the polite thing to do would be to write
"broken glass"
several times on the package so the trash man
doesn't cut himself

enough said?

haha point is.
you can constantly grow
and we should try to keep growing.
but i think it's funny to embrace
the little things that
most likely
won't change
the little "mishaps"
that make us who we are.

have a fun day
now i'm going to go iron my shirt
but by the time i leave my house
it'll be wrinkled :)

love you all
well most of you.
ha i kid
all of you.


Wednesday, August 24, 2011

demand more.

you deserve more.
i deserve more.

let's be honest.
we all have had toxic relationships
friendships
boyfriends.
girlfriends.

and sometimes.
those don't come as obvious as :

CAUTION
HE WILL BREAK YOUR HEART
THIS WILL BE THE WORST FRIEND EVER
SHE WILL STAB YOU IN THE BACK..

RUN AWAY.

sometimes it's just not that black and white.
sometimes it's just as subtle as
it's a friend
that is scared to live
and scared to let you live
to dream
so you both stay back

sometimes it's as subtle
as someone that won't even hold your hand
so you just forget what it is like to have someone
intertwine their fingers in yours.

if you think about it.
the people you love the most
are the people that annoy you the most.
the people that you love more than yourself
are the ones that get mad at you for being late to a girls dinner.
again
haha love you.

those are true friendships
true relationships
the ones that demand the best of you
that you can get mad about it.
because you care TOO much.

but don't settle
for the ones that
are OK
the ones that let you be just ok.
that make you just OK.

the ones that let you only want to be around them
because they're lonely

be with the ones that
are at the top of their life
having the time of their life
and get a ping in the side of their heart
because they wish you were there
or the ones at the worst part in their life.
that need you there.

those.
are the relationships
you deserve.
and if you love someone.
and they're just being OK
stand up.
make them shine
wake them up.
remind them
they're meant to be more.
than OK
if you settle.
you're allowing them to settle.
stand up for more.



lara told me last weekend.
out of the blue.
"there is a billboard downtown that reminds me of you.
every time i drive by it i think of you"
and immediately i'm curious
she tells it's a smart water billboard
and it says

'be the girl they sing about'

huh.
huh.
wow.
i don't know what that means.
i just needed to hear that.
hear that compliment
whatever it meant
and smile in it all.
be more.


Wednesday, August 3, 2011

chili powder

two blogs
in two days.
lucky you right?
haha
i'm literally sitting
in my hotel room.
watching the clock
just ready to go to the airport
get back to nashville.

and im just sitting here thinking.
of going home and baking.
turning up the music
putting on one of the cute aprons hil made me
and just jamming out and baking.

anywho.

i've been baking since i was a kid.
with my mom and grandma.
just learning for years and years.
and i just remembered this one time.
i wanted to bake a cherry pie for my dad
it's his favorite.

and because it's his favorite.
it's now my favorite.

so i have no idea how old i was.
but i was sooooo excited
i loved baking with my mom.
loved my dad.
so perfect i was going to show him how much
i loved him with the perfect cherry pie.

so it calls for cinnamon.

yeah see where this is going.

and i LOVE cinnamon.
still to this day i put it on everything.
toast.
apples.
lasagna.
haha ok not lasagna
but almost everything

so i thought i'd put extra cinnamon in the pie
since i loved it so much
he would love it too.

my mom..well i don't know what she was doing.
not paying attention to me.
haha
soo i just put a few extra tablespoons in.

pie comes out.
looks pretty

dad gets the first piece.
eats the whole thing.
tells me how excellent it is.
hugs me.
thanks me.
smiles
i'm SOOO PROUD.

then my sister takes a bite.
spits it out.
and im SURE hil said something like
"dork what did you do to this pie?"
haha

turns out i put chili powder
in the pie
instead of cinnamon
A LOT of chili powder.

i cried and cried and cried.
failed.
epic fail.
one we still talk about
and laugh about
to this day.

but years later.
probably in college.
i remembered it.
and remembered my dad.
never once did he let me know
by his face
by his words
that it was bad.
in fact he patted my head and gave me a hug.

he didn't see the need to tell me that i used chili powder
he felt it was more important to support
and encourage me to keep going
instead of pointing out my error

i think sometimes
we're so quick
to point out the wrongs
to be honestly blunt about things
to "help" people grow
that sometimes.
we don't see the importance
in just saying "you did awesome! Thank you!"
and let that person just grow.

he knew i knew the difference in chili powder and cinnamon
he knew that i was young
and still learning
and it was more important to still be supportive
instead of pointing out the mistake
the big mistake

and now i love to bake
i don't think i'm half bad.
and it's because of moments like that
that someone supported
when i needed supported
he was more than supportive

he didn't just stop at a bite.
he ate the whole piece.

i dont' know what made me think of it.
but i wonder if i would still love baking
if my dad would have spit out that piece?

i think sometimes we underestimate how
vulnerable we all are
especially when we're passionate about something
and how important it is
to have people pushing you
while you're growing through it
while you're still not that good at it
having someone there saying "yum best ever!"

i'm just thankful for that moment
i have no idea how big or small that was in my life.
but im thankful for it

and the moments after that
the moments where loved ones constantly support my passions
"yeah linds that song is awesome..love how your rhymed bird house with microwave, sounds good!"
hahah

and i'm thankful for the support
for the many times to come
where i will use "chili powder" in my life
instead of cinnamon

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

you get the love you give.

you get what you give.

that saying applies to everything in life
work
family.
everything
but today...
shocker.
i'm going to relate it to love.

whatever i am a lover not a fighter.
i have a romantic heart.
deal with it.

i remember my junior year of college.
i picked the room on the second floor facing sumner street.
wanna know why?
because it had the perfect window to throw rocks at.

yeah.
i wanted that room so a guy could throw rocks at it
just to get my attention.

i also secretly wish
for a crush
to be sitting on my doorstep
in nashville
waiting for me to get home
just waiting
to see me.

and for some reason
i always have a little hope
that when i get my mail
there will be a random piece of mail
from a boy telling me

he's thinking of me.

yeah.

my point is....
i've never thrown rocks at a window.
i've never showed up at someones house
just to sit there and wait for them....

and yes i want all of those
from a guy.
but i've got to remember
i have to be that for a guy too.

so if i never act fearless in love
than i guess i'm not giving what i want in return?
and doesn't a guy deserve that?
to see bold love too?


sometimes when it comes to guys
sometimes i get this "if he likes me he'll go first" attitude.
but really that's just fear.
i love scared
which is an oxymoron
which means that's not love at all

my point is.
love has no fear
if you want love
if you want bold love.
you have to show it.

do you want someone to hold your hand?
then sometimes you have to reach for their hand first.

do you want someone to remind you you're missed and thought of?
then you have to tell someone you're thinking of them too.

do you want someone to show up at the airport
holding a sign saying "you're my favorite"
after you've been gone for three weeks?

ha then that means you better be there the next time they land.
with a hand made sign.
not caring who sees it.

my point is..

love is bold
love expects no results back
it just is
love is going first sometimes
to show someone
your heart is open
you're there
even if you're scared.

give what you want.
and see what you get in return.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

me.

i am not a game player.
i'm a game changer.

i don't want to fit into the box.
i will make my own box.

i don't want to be apart of music.
i want to create something new.
and then share.

you sit and critique
i go and make
you judge
i'm doing.

i don't want to spend time looking back.
worrying.
i will just keep going forward.


i am not like the rest.
i will find my own
and then conquer it

i will do this not for myself
but so that the world is constantly growing
that we are constantly learning

we have to be the best version of ourselves
not someone else

you think i'm crazy.
naive.
reckless.
i see it as the only way to be.

i am scared all the time.
i am the best version of myself when i move in the fear
instead of staring at it.

i am tragic when i think too much
but i am brilliant when i just jump


Tuesday, July 12, 2011

two whole days.

flying with my guitar gets expensive
until someone is paying for it
to fly :) it gets expensive
so for this show.
i put it on the truck going ahead of me.

which meant i had to send it today.

TWO WHOLE DAYS
without it.
what am I going to do?

i almost teared up a bit.
as i loaded it in.
haha
along with my galashes.
hey.
never know when i'll need those green boots.

anywho someone at work asked
"you can't go two whole days without it? wow you must be good"

good.
would we say good?

dedicated yes.

i think i have a lot of talents.
but i work HARD at the guitar
to be ...OK.
it's what i am. ha
i think singing is my strength of the two :)

anyways i said
"well i LOVE to play so I guess that means more than good?"
and she agreed

then i thought of that statement
i love that statement
i love it

i'm not the best player
not a perfect player by any means
my guitar makes a lot of plunking noises.
but i never let it stop me
because i love it so much.

but i love it.
love it more than i would say most people
yeah i said it
bring it
i need it.

but i do think how strong is love?
loving to do something?
having a passion for something?
it outweighs being talented.

truly.

i think sometimes i hide behind what i'm talented at
because i know i'll succeed

i was talking to mandy yesterday
and she was saying how she just really really wants to work with animals.
and that passion for it.
gives me NO DOUBT she will.
maybe it'll be her career
maybe it'll be her hobby
but i know 100%
that that passion is a gift.

i don't have that passion for animals.
she does.

i don't have the passion for gardening.
janel does.

my passion for music.
makes me sick.

so what are you going to do with it?

so what you are better at something else?
what are you going to do with what you're passionate over.

watch this.

http://donmilleris.com/2011/07/11/facing-your-fears/


i miss you little guitar.
i'll see you in two days

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

a love note

So I've always loved notes.
I used to wake up as a kid
and my mom or dad
would leave me a note on the stove
usually chores
or a reminder
but there was always a sweet
" i love you"
at the end

unless it was from my sister.
then it usually had a four letter word or
"i hope you die"
from her.hahha
hey.
we're now best friends.
so it worked out well.

and sometimes when working at the mall
haha sports sensation.
my friends would put notes on my car
i loved it.
still do

but i love notes

so i wake up this morning
it's 5:45a i'm struggling to walk to my car
and i see
a note.
a note a note a note!!!
a boy wanting to tell me he loves me????

but he's too nervous to do it in person?
ohhhh
exciting

wait for it.
not a love note.





BAHAHAH WHAT?!!!

hahahaha i'm still laughing
how funny.

yesterday we had to get new parking passes.
new HOA company.
I was excited I ACTUALLY did this on time.
usually they stalk me to do anything.
someday I will actuaally go to an HOA meeting.

maybe.

haha but OBVIOUSLY this person
doesn't know that they have to get a new pass.

haha and what are they thinking?
leaving me a note?
really?

like someone.
went out of their way
saw there were no spots.
at midnight.
found the ONE CAR

in the dark

that didn't have the old sticker
parked.
found paper
found a pen.
wrote the note.
walked to my car.
left it.
then found a parking spot wayyyy on the other side.

that's effort.
(insert slow clap for this person)

then i started thinking...

imagine if we all went to that effort
to leave a note.
but what if it was a nice note?
leave a kind word on someones car
random "have a blessed day"
note on someones car?
random person
that you would never have to talk to?
i think i'm going to start doing that.
leaving notes.

a note of a kind word.

a "smile someone thinks you're awesome"

or "hey i know it's monday but it could be worse, at least a bird didn't poop on your head today!"

something. anything.

i'm going to start doing it.
it can't harm anything..only make someone random smile.


and even though this wasn't a love note.
it made me smile
and i might not ever throw it away.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

honest

sometimes
i feel like i'm running
in the wrong direction

like everyone else is going the correct way.
go right for 10 years
then make a left for 30 years
then make another right turn in 10 years

and then there is me
i'm going to go zig zag for 1.5 years
then spin around in circles on my head for 2.3 years
then maybe take the fork in the road
oh crap...
i went the wrong way down the fork in the road for 2.6 years
now back to the other side of the fork in the road for 5 years
then drive for 3 years going the wrong way on a one way road

laughing the whole way.

but sometimes
it just hits me
where am i?
who am i?
and am i the absolute only person on this road.

today was one of those days.
i'm being honest.
it's my blog
i can do what i want.

i just hit a wall
like crap.
i love my friends.
love my family.

but dog gone it.
where am i?
and sometimes i stop and i feel alone.
rarely do i feel alone.
haha you're laughing because I always have 1000349039 people around

i'm blessed you're all blessings.

but sometimes if i stop.
i'm alone.
and i will cry.
today was that day.

i just kept having to run to the bathroom.
to cry.
haha i'm sure my boss thought
"this girl is a mental."

and the thing is
there is nothing
anyone say that will make it ok
sorry friends i know you try
but there is nothing.

it has to be me and God.
He made me this way.
so I need Him to answer.

why am i running down a one way road
the wrong way.
then i remember
as a christian
sometimes
or most of the time
i'm going up stream

constantly
UPSTREAM
fighting the whole way
fighting what i know
what i hear God telling me
and what the world says
and sometimes it hurts
sometimes it just plain pisses me off.

i feel that in my car
i'm the closest with God.
me and Him.
singing
talking.
the 6 hr drive from Ohio to Nashville.
everytime we talk.
i hear him show me
in clarity i feel no where else.
then i get out of that car sometimes
and forget the feeling
the assurance
i ask the world for advice
and it tells me what it thinks

then i get confused
i go against my gut
i get lost
i look around
instead of staying focused
i let the world influence me

i feel wrong
when i ask God to show me the way
then i forget to stay strong
and i just get confused

but alas
God always finds me
picks me up
usually in music.
like this song
reminding me
he always comes to pick me up.
no matter how confused or lost i feel
today will not end on a sad note
i still may end up being confused
but i will not be lost

because He is always with us
and He is never lost.

so even though
sometimes i feel alone
riding a bike on a trail
with a sign saying "no bikes allowed"
i will keep going.
i will stay focused
and i will follow my gut
because my heart is my gut
and the world is just outside noise

noise that is louder sometimes
but wrong most of the time.

and then this dave barnes song came on my pandora
another small way God shows me Grace.

there's a mountain
here before me
i'm going to climb it
with strength not my own


Monday, June 20, 2011

the girl in the corner.

ok so if you've talked to me at all
in the past year
you've heard me talk about kickboxing.
ha probably a lot.
sorry about that.
anyways.

i noticed the other day in class that i tend to go to the same bag everytime.
it's in the back of the class by the glass windows.
and i always turn my back to the class
face the windows.
and close my eyes.
always.

so as im kicking the crap out of this bag.
i start thinking

yeah i think too much even while working out.

i start thinking "why do i always choose this bag?"

i choose it because kickboxing is hard.
really hard
and if i stop
for even a second
to see what everyone else is doing.
if they're actually doing the planks
or if they've put their knees down ;)
if i stop to see
then i get unfocused.

if i close my eyes.
i know i will push myself as hard as i can
believing everyone else is pushing as hard as me.
and i know this is not the truth.

sometimes i open my eyes.
to see that some people have stopped.
quit.
their body gave out before mine.
and in my exhaustion.
i think "they've stopped so i can stop, i made it far enough!"

or sometimes i'll see someone pushing 10 times harder than me.
and at first i'll think "oh yeahhhhh i can do that..bring it.."
haha yeah i'm competitive.

but after a bit my body will give in..it can't handle that other girls pace
then i'll think "wow she's in really good shape. yikes i'll never catch up!"

so instead of slowing down
because someone else did and it's easier.
and instead of going too fast and trying
to do someone elses pace.

i close my eyes.
i breathe.
and i push myself.
hard.
as hard as lindsay can go.
and when i can't go anymore.
i push a bit more.

this is my life.
yes.
in that moment at kickboxing.
where i'm dripping.
i'm trying to figure out life.
haha

but the truth is.
i think this is how we should do it.
just go.
don't compare to what someone else is doing.
don't try to go their pace.
close your eyes.
hear your heart.
go to that beat.
your beat.

can you imagine
what the world would be like
if we stopped trying to do what everyone else was doing?
we didn't get discouraged because we didn't have what someone else had?
we didn't stop...because that is where someone else stopped?

so you go your pace.
you do what you're made to do.
push yourself
even if everyone else is burnt out.

and me.
i'm going to close my eyes.
and push myself to the pace
i'm meant to go.



Music time.
i lost all my music when my computer crashed last month.
thank goodness for youtube.
love this song.
seriously


Monday, May 30, 2011

daily blessing count

sometimes i throw pity parties
I KNOW SHOCKING.
hahahaha
but no seriously
sometimes
i just think of what i don't have
and forget of what i have
and this is my list. a list i need to keep remembering until i get over myself
and keep on shining that light that is meant to shine.
and if you're reading this.
even if it's not listed
guaranteed you're a blessing i have counted :)


i love that AT LEAST once a day i'm brought to tears by music. i love that God gave this passion to me.

i love the fact that my mom taught me the art of dancing and singing while baking.
and now i can only bake with music blaring.

i love how random my friends are. no matter where they are. what path of life we're on. or how long it's been since we've talked. we're friends. we're family.

i love to laugh. i love that at least once a day i do a spit laugh. ya know, laugh while drinking something and spit it out? ahah what can i say, the people in my life are that funny!

i love seeing my brother grow up into a wonderful young man.

my sister and stu. i love learning from their love and life. i love how much their love means to me.

i love that seeing a picture of my niece get her hair cut
brings tears to my eyes because she's growing up too fast

i love when someone says " I thought of you today" it still makes me excited and nervous. to think someone thinks of me. humbling.

i love the fact that i went to a graduation ceremony
and the speech that was meant for 18 year about remembering that God can do anything. and to dream big.
to shine their light.
i love that it still applied to me. the world is meant for us to shine in.
that hope hasn't died.

i love that i am always meeting new people.
new friends. just think.
less than a year ago i didn't even know where BA was.

i love that when my car is having problems my dad WILL ALWAYS be the first person i call.

i love seeing gabe smile. that's all i need some days. a pic of my sweet nephews smile is enough to get me through anything.

i love God's grace. how i mess up time and time again and am soooo humbled by the fact he still gives me grace. shows me hope. keeps loving me. what an amazing thing.

my point is.
i have no idea what life holds.
no idea where i'm going or what is next
and it's scary and nerve wracking and sometimes
life is just not fair.
but we can't waste time worrying.
looking at others.
looking for what is next.
we need to love right now.
love what we have.
so love.
just find what you love.
write it down.
type it out.
read it over and over and over.
until you realize.
every moment
if you truly look
is filled with love.
is filled with blessings.

peace.

Friday, May 27, 2011

13 years..and they're back.

cicadas
where do i begin
i was DREADING THEM.
dreading.
i even moved my birthday party
inside
in fear of them.
honestly.

and now.
i kind of .....

like them.

I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW ....
WEIRD.
but hear me out..

let me tell you some stories involving them.
and maybe you'll understand.

story one.

a group of girls went to urban flatts after work.
now i hate air conditioning.
i'd rather have the wind on my face.
i hate air conditioning
all day we sat inside at work.
so they agree to sit outside
at the flatts.
haha
good idea lindsay.

so we brave the cicadas
and those dumb bugs behaved for the most part
but every few minutes one would fly at one of us
and we would get up
jump
squeel
and the rest of us
who were not the victim of the moment
would laugh soooo hard.
and then we would look inside
and everyone was staring.
judging us.
and we would laugh even harder.


story two.
i was rolling in my car
windows down
jamming to my rap music.

yeah im super dorky.

and all the sudden
a cicada almost flies in my car
haha i scream.
slam on my breaks
and almost rear end my friend in front of me
luckily
she saw it and LAUGHED
and laughed.
with me.
ok at me.
but we laughed.
dangerous but hysterical.

story three.
my favorite.
i was walking to my car in the morning
on my way to work
and i have my glass of water in my hand
and all the sudden

buzzzzzzz.
plop.
splash.

a big old.
stupid cicada.
lands right in my water.
now this is a bug
that can't hurt me AT ALL.
so i do what most adults would do.
i THROW my water across the parking lot.
screeaaammm "AHHHHH BUGGGG"
and run to my car and lock myself inside

bhahahahahahahahhaahha
yes my neighbors were out and saw it all.
hahahah
yeah i'm still laughing at that one.

soooo to say the least
im kind of enjoying them
because they are making me laugh
and act soooo stupid
loosen up a bit.

these bugs that can't fly straight.
they're pretty dumb.
are making me enjoy their company.

haha never thought i would say that.
enjoy your day.
hope you have a cicada kind of day.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

you aren't until you are

we all have things we "aren't"
and how many of us let the fact that we "aren't"
stand in the way of us being something?

how many times have you said something like "well I would love to teach dance, but I'm not a dance teacher!"

here is what i'm saying.
if your heart loves it.
than you are...you just haven't done it yet.

get it?

you may not physically be doing what your heart is telling you to do.
but that doesn't mean you aren't
it just means you haven't taken that step yet.

i had the honor of watching some of my favorite musicians
honor the CMA's last night
and Ronnie Milsap sat up there
and gave me chills...when he said
"I was going to be a lawyer, I would have made a great lawyer.
but then i was told that i should be a musician. because even though i would make a great lawyer and be successful, my heart doesn't lie about what it wants. so good thing i listened to my heart!" hahaha

so here is the point.
yes i have one.
you aren't until you decide you are.



i wasn't your friend
until we met

my mother didn't know how to be a mother
until my sister was born

your favorite professor wasn't a professor
till he taught his first class

you weren't a nurse
until you saw your first patient

i wasn't a younglife leader
until i met my first student

i didn't know how to write
until i started writing

i didn't know i needed to sing
until i sung


so what do you feel?
what is your heart saying?
that you're supposed to own a pet rescue shop?
than open it.

that you're supposed to travel the country and love kids who have no one?
than go and do that.

that you're supposed to give your testimony through song?
than do it.

because you may be great at 100280198 different things.
good for you.
but what is your heart saying
you're meant to be?
make yourself that.
and see what happens.




Wednesday, May 4, 2011

i am the skinny mirror.

so one of my best friends
had this skinny mirror in her house
and everyone LOVEEEED IT
we would go over to her house
sometimes just to get a boost
in the old self esteem
it's true
haha whatever you all know it's true

anyways
when she moved to cali
I GOT THE MIRROR
woooo hooooo
haha seriously it's that great
and my roommate doesn't care
she comes into my room
just to get the boost
it's fun.

anywho
i was thinking the other day
why does that have to be the "skinny mirror"?
why can't that be how we look
and the "normal mirror" that makes us all look bigger
why can't that be called the "fat mirror"

ok hear me out.

think about it

they're both pieces of glass.
in frames.
both probably poorly made
one makes us look 20lbs heavier than the other
one makes us feel "ehhh i look ok"
and the other makes us feel "i look gooooood"

so why do we NATURALLY think the "ehhh i look ok" mirror
is how we look?

it's sick really.
we all do it.
we think the worst is what is real
and the "i look goooood" is too good to be true.

i think that we're sooo used to beating ourselves up
we let all the magazines
the tv shows
(i know i know the irony of my job)
but we let them all tell us we're not good enough.

the other day i was wearing a dress
and i kept going back and forth
between my mirror in my bathroom
which is the "ehh i look ok" mirror
and my bedroom mirror which is the "i look goooood" mirror

yes i have A LOT of mirrors
my dad says it's a "bodell thing"
ha my mom decorated with a lot of mirrors
so i do too.
i like looking at myself? i don't know

anywho.

i decided
i have to wear this dress
im a confident woman
and one of these mirrors makes me feel ok
and one makes me feel GOOODDD
soooo i picked

right there.
i decided
i was going to determine that the skinny mirror
was how i looked
that the other mirror just was broken
and the skinny mirror
with my slender self
was how i looked. :)

so this is what im saying.
you choose.
you pick how you feel.
which you is really you.

and whether the world is telling you the "ehh i feel ok" mirror
is you or not.
you get the final say in who you are
because at the end of the day
they are both mirrors
and i get to decide how i see myself.




Thursday, April 28, 2011

boys get nervous too

i love celebrating my friends.
truly
there is something humbling and amazing
about being TRULY happy.
feeling total bliss
over someone elses happiness
tuesday we celebrated the engagement
of lara and charly
and it was a blast
so great to see everyone
celebrate them and laugh with them
it was just amazing to step back and see
all the people that love them in one room
and just see two of my favorite people
shining.
just shining out of appreciation
for everyone who is apart of their life

i made new friends
caught up with old friends
and one of my favorite guy friends was there
and making me laugh as always
we'll call him.....Baron
haha code name incase he's embarrassed
he has always had a crush on one of my friends
no shocker
she's gorgeous and an amazing person
we'll call her .....Terrie
hehe
anyways he's always thought she was a catch.

so i ask him if he's said hi and he says
"oh she's here? I haven't seen her yet!"
haha
and i was like "I just saw you looking at her fool!"
ha busted
boys pretend too.

then he goes "wow she looks beautiful tonight!"
and i said "yes Baron, she's a beautiful person, you should go tell her!"
one of our other guy friends and his girlfriend are trying to push him
telling him not to waste time
we tell him to just go over to her
and he is just soooo nervous
"she's talking to two guys right now, I can't interrupt!"
haha
wow.
guys do it too
guys get nervous

then i tell him "she could be married by the time you get over there, go!"
ha im not sure that helped him
but it made me laugh

it's just...
Baron is a really confident guy
but here he was...
nervous like a little boy.
of a girl with a little lip gloss on
because he thinks
so highly of her
so amazing what nerves can do..

so here he goes.
going to walk up to her
so he starts walking.
and walks BY her
hahaha he just kept walking
SMOOOTTHHHH BARON
hahah
so he comes back and i harass him for that move

he said "she's talking"
i was in aww
i loved it
i loved seeing a grown man
get nervous for a girl in heels.

what i loved even more
was that later that night...
he actually did walk up to her
and tell her how beautiful she looked.
and then they talked.

just like that.

he was nervous but did it anyways
and at the end of the night asked for her number
and now someone that was a friend of a friend.
is now that much closer to him.
just like that.

it's good to know guys get nervous too.
i loved seeing it
being on that side of it.
and it may go no where
but it was great to see.
a boy nervous.

he would have rather gotten rejected
than not tell the girl
she looked beautiful.
made my heart happy.
needed to share
everyone needs a little romance

THE END

or maybe just the beginning :)


Thursday, April 14, 2011

pack your lunch today

times are hard
money is tight
i know this
we all do
so sometimes donating
to things
is tough
i get this as well

but it's important
important for our hearts
to let go of what we think we need
money

and give it to something or someone else

and maybe you think
"eh I need it more!"
and maybe you do

but pass it on anyways

maybe you did donate money to someone that
needs it less than you
but maybe it's more than the money
maybe it's the gesture
no not maybe
it is the gesture
it's the feeling of sharing and giving
there was a purpose to mothers everywhere
for generations
teach the importance of sharing
to their toddlers

i hope we didn't all forget it.
to share
that what is yours isn't actually just yours
it's meant to share.
it doesn't something to the giver
and the receiver


so here is my challenge
hha yeah i like challenges
save up your money
get $10 together
skip a starbucks.
pack a lean cuisine and skip going out to lunch.
drink water instead of diet coke for a week.

here is something
that would be better spent

meet andy
here is his story.
I don't need to explain it.
read it.

Komen Atlanta Race for the Cure®
May 7, 2011

Dear Friends and Family,

I recently accepted the challenge to raise funds to support the 21st Annual Komen Atlanta Race for the Cure on May 7th in the fight against breast cancer. One in eight women will be diagnosed with breast cancer in her lifetime and the more we raise, the more Komen Atlanta can give back to the community through breast cancer education, screening and treatment programs as well as supporting the national search for a cure.

Click here to visit my personal page and pledge your support.

Please join me in the fight by pledging in support of my participation in the Race or contributing generously to the 2011 Komen Atlanta Race for the Cure®. Your tax-deductible contribution will help Komen Atlanta continue to enable women and men in the Atlanta community detect and survive breast cancer. It is faster and easier than ever to support this great cause - you can make a donation online by simply clicking on the link at the bottom of this message. If you would prefer, you can also send your tax-deductible contribution to the address listed below. Whatever you can give will help! I truly appreciate your support and will keep you posted on my progress.

Thank you so much for your time and support in the fight against breast cancer! Every step counts!

Sincerely,

Andy Stilts

To sponsor my participation online, click here.

If you would like to mail a donation to Komen Atlanta in support of my participation, please print off my donation form from my personal page and mail the completed form along with your check to:

Komen Atlanta Race for the Cure
P.O. Box 934611
Atlanta, GA 31193

Susan G. Komen for the Cure - Greater Atlanta Affiliate
4840 Roswell Road, Building D, Suite 100 Atlanta, Georgia, 30342

Affiliate Home | Race Home | Email Preferences
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it's more than the money.
it's what it will feel like when a random stranger
donates to this page
and says "hey. I don't know you bud. but i support and pray for you!"
it's not hard.
it's just not.
pass it on to more random people.

this will effect you.
and them more than you'll probably know.

bye.
love you.
mean it.

Monday, April 11, 2011

bucket list this

i've never had a bucket list
because i believe in living in the moment
but i recently sat in a food court
in vegas
talking with long lost friend
and a new friend
in the casino
ha it was a blast.
and one of them said "what do you want in life?"
and i said "I don't know, i like everything, i love everything!"
and he said "that's not what i asked, what do you want?"
and i said "i don't know!"
and he said "well decide what you want, make goals and go!"

soooo here are some goals/bucket list ideas

i want to take a vacation on a train
just spend like 4 days
traveling by train
straight up white Christmas style
no cell phones
no distractions
just looking outside

i want to go to prom.
not 80's prom
maybe a formal
is this possible? ha
i don't know
but get asked out like the southern boys do
some really original way
go to dinner with a large group
and dance the night away
and all of us will be prom queen
oh and then we'll all go play basketball
on those inflatable things at post prom
haha

i want to go on a hot air balloon.
i'll probably be scared out of my mind
but it's about in the same category as unicorns
truly
it's one of those things you see from afar
but never see up close
ok ive never seen a unicorn from afar but you know what i mean

i want a summer house on a beach
with my husband
i'm not married
and i dont have a boyfriend
ha but i want a boyfriend
not just any boyfriend
a great one.
someday when we're ready..
we'll find each other
and we'll live on a beach.
in the summer
maybe just for a summer
like you read about in the nicolas sparks books
live on a beach. eat cereal
play games at night
go for walks
on a beach
just the two of us.
i want both of those
a husband and a beach

i want to hear someone else sing one of my songs.
i want to make this a goal
by the end of my summer
for a nashville artist love one of my songs
so much..
the song becomes something
they went through
something so personal
they have to sing it
i need that
and this will happen

i want to show love
to as many people as possible
be selfless
and it's hard
because sometimes i just want to dislike people
or rather ignore them
it's sometimes easier to ignore people that are mean
than deal with the fact that
they hate themselves and life
and don't know love
but i want to love people that i don't like
love them because
that's what they need
"those that seem the least loveable need the most love"
that's what i would pray when my sister was about to get punched in the face
by me.
hahah
but love. even when it's easier to walk away

this isn't all of my goals
but it's a start
saying it out loud makes it less scary
my dad and i watched karate kid this week
and it was so good. and one quote
really just made me tear up
yep i'm a cryer.
NO ONE wants to watch rudy with me.
no one.
but the quote was this.

Mr. Han: You don't need to fight anymore. You have proven everything you need to prove.
Dre Parker: What, that I can get beat up easy and then quit? That's not balance, that's not real kung fu. You said that when life knocks you down, you could choose whether or not to get back up. Well, I'm trying to get back up, and why won't you help me?
Mr. Han: Because I cannot watch you get hurt anymore.
Dre Parker: Please, Mr. Han, please.
Mr. Han: Just tell me, Xiao Dre, why? Why do you need to go back out there so badly?
Dre Parker: Because I'm still scared. And no matter what happens, tonight, when I leave, I don't want to be scared anymore.

i'm big on goals.
big on fear
big on kicking fear in the face
and then singing "superwoman" loudly

Friday, March 18, 2011

better on the radio

i love love love spring
i love the first time i get to wear flip flops
the first time i wear a hoodie and no coat
the first time i ride with my moon roof down
(even if i have to have the heat on while doing it)

one of the things i do
when it becomes spring
is listen to my summer music
to get me ready for summertime fun
mostly country
some colbie
anything that reminds me of being outside
around a bonfire
swimming at the lake
ahhh spring.

and of course i want to immediately make a play list on my ipod
but i get the most joy when it comes on the radio
what is it about when you hear a song on the radio?
today i heard paisley's "the world" on the radio
and screamed and turned it up so loud and sang.
haha
i have it on my ipod
i've listened to it 100 times
i can listen to it all day everyday if i wanted
but there is something about hearing it on the radio
it just makes it that special
makes it like God wanted me to hear that song.

when i was a kid.
i would play that game with God.
alllll the time
"OK God..the next song is a sign."
whatever is on.
that is what you are saying to me.
haha and when it was hanson "mmm bop"
i would just assume it meant i was supposed to marry taylor hanson.
ha seriously allll the time i played that game

i actually decided to move to nashville bc of a tim mcgraw song.
true story.

anywho.
something about when it comes on randomly
when i didn't make the song happen.
that it makes it so much more.

i forget about this all the time when it comes to life.
if you want that "wow. amazing" moment
you've got to let it happen.
you've got to stop making a playlist.
and just let it show up on the radio on it's own.

i know it's cheesy but seriously.
so many times i try so hard to make the miracles happen.
i want to hear a song.
i play it.
i want to see someone.
i see them.
but some of my favorite moments are when
the unexpected happen.
when my favorite song comes on at 6a when i'm leaving for work.
when a friend surprises me because i didn't have time to plan anything
when i run into a familiar face in a random city.

some of my most "God" moments are when he surprises me.
when i see someone my heart needed to see.
in the most random place.
in a random city
at a random time.
i'm reminded.
how small i am.

when those random things happen.
i like to believe that's God reminding me.
he has it.
he knows exactly what song my heart needs to hear.
he knows which friend i need.
or which guy is meant for me.

i love it.
so as much as i love to plan
and try to organize.
my favorite time is when i'm totally knocked on my butt.
when my favorite song comes on the radio.
and i just happened to be in my car
at that time
on that station.
to hear it.
i just love music. ahhhh




fun picture for the day.
amanda changing sheets
on this nasty bus we used for a shoot
bhahaha made me laugh.
she makes me laugh.


Friday, March 4, 2011

when i was a kid

i can't plan anything
my life never has a schedule
i put a few key dates on a calendar
my niece and nephew's birthday parties
the weddings of two of my best friends
beach trips
and then the rest is up i the air
my family and friends know this
they THANKFULLY love me anyways

lately i've been feeling sad about missing things.
younglife
dinner nights.
kickboxing
just seeing faces of the ones i love.
feeling guilty and sad that i can't plan it better.
that work or something always gets in the way.

then i realize life isn't in the way.
that is LIVING life.
i'm really living my life.
sometimes i feel so busy
that i barely ever stop.
but that's not doing too much.
that's just living my life.

when i was growing up
i never had a plan of who i was going to be
i was never the kid that said
"when i grow up I will be ______"
I never knew
never cared what i would be.
i knew one thing
i knew i wouldnt just sit around
i wouldnt just watch life
i didn't know how i would do this
but i knew that i was going to live it.

i didn't know where i was going to live
when i grew up
i just knew lima/waynesfield would always be home
i didn't know how far i'd be from my family
but i knew that i would always be close
i just knew i was going to go wherever i felt called.
that i would follow my heart there.
and not be scared.
that's what i thought when i was a kid

i had no idea what type of guy i would marry
haha obviously still don't
no idea if he'd be tall or short
honestly i have never had a "type"
i only knew that he would love God
knew that he would love people family and friends with all he had
no idea where he would be from.
but knew we would work hard
laugh hard.
at the future together.
i believed in romance
when i was a kid.

i knew i'd always have the best friends in the world.
i didn't know who they would be.
or who they would look like.
but i knew one thing
that they would love me for me
because i loved me for me.
i knew we'd laugh wherever we were.
and we would always have fun and never grow up.
that's what i thought
when i was a kid

my life is total chaos.
i don't sleep.
i'm never in the same town
and i never really even sit down
and im tired of seeing this as a flaw
im done feeling guilty
i'm living my life
just like i had hoped as a kid

i try hard to live my life
and i think
if 10-year-old lindsay
could see 27-year-old lindsay

she would be so happy.

bc i love with EVERYTHING
and sometimes i miss things
but i think i'm good at not making excuses
so if i miss something it doesn't mean i failed
it means i am just living life

and when my hair is in a pony tail
i feel like the same 7-yr-old tomboy
that would come home dirty
with all sorts of bruises
but i always had fun stories to tell mom and dad

and life is still giving me bruises
but it still hands me some amazing random and funny stories.
and i still always laugh
all the time.

so maybe my life is totally nuts
but i guess a better way to look at it is
this is the life
i wanted as a kid
a life lived and not watched
a life that when im in the retirement home
with the girls
helping mandy find her teeth that she keeps losing
we'll sit and talk about how great it all was.

i will look back and not have a single regret
i won't remember the one dinner i missed
because i will remember all the ones i worked really hard to get to
and all the tears and heart i put into life
the life i could only could have dreamed of
when i was as kid.


and side note
if you think my hair is a mess now.
haha you should have seen it then.
holy nasty tangles.
baha no seriously.
loves.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

get out of the car

i was talking with Carrie yesterday.
always amazing with that one.
she's a very wise soul.
and she is trying out a new church in Jersey.
so when she went on Sunday
she said she sat in her car for awhile.
she had a hard time going into a church by herself.
what if she didn't like it?
but she went.
and it was better than she could have ever thought.

and i started laughing because lately.
i had noticed i have been sitting in my car for things.
literally.
sitting in my car.
i will drive there.
and then get sooooo nervous i just sit in the parking lot.
thinking of driving away.
haha.
God has been putting a lot of things that i have been fearing.
in my path.
and i'm enjoying it.
it's changing me more than i ever could have imagined.

younglife clubs.
or really even just going to the girls house.
everytime.
i sit in my car for a few minutes.
nervous.
just thinking...
ahhhh this is hard..this is tough...
what if they ask me too hard of a question?
what if i don't know what to say?
but i go.
and everytime.
it is a blessing.

music.
i went to write with friends yesterday.
friends.
it just happened to be on music row though.
so i got soooo nervous.
i drove by the building
4 times.
not twice.
4 times.
haha then i sat in my car.
i was like "this is stupid, what am I doing?"
then i thought.
eventually
if i want to keep writing
i will have to get out of this car.
i will have to go.
carry my guitar in public.
write in public.
no more hiding the thought in my room.


with a crush.
everytime.
we hang out.
i just sit in my car.
nervous and scared.
what if he hates me?
what if i make an idiot of myself?
what if...what?
everytime i sit in my car before
i think...it's time to be nervous over a boy again.
it's time to not let your nerves win lindsay.
(yes i talk to myself. haha all the time. my own pep talks get me through the day)


whether it's over a boy.
or writing.
or talking about God with my new friends at BA.
everytime i get out of that car.
my fear gets a little more weak
it gets smaller.
and my faith gets bigger.
everytime i'm scared.
God shows up.
he takes what I think is me...what i make about me and my strength
and he shows up.. and takes it.
shows me he's got it, if i just take the step.

for any of my close friends.
they know all of the above have been huge fears in my life.
my poor friends.
have heard me talk about music for years.
and crushes for years.
im sure this makes you all a tad happy too.
"finally that big baby stopped talking and did some walking!"

but everytime.
i open the door to my car.
put on my smile
and say "hello im here!"
my faith becomes an action.
and my fear gets a little more weak.
and the world changes for the better a little bit more.
so i'm going to keep going.

someday you're going to have to walk.
if you want a change.
we all have fears.
we all sit in our cars and think "this is stupid."
sometimes we drive away
sometimes we take the easy way.
but the change.
the change comes from parking and getting out.