I walk a squiggly line

i've done a lot of things

i've tried a lot of things

and I would say most of the time I learn a lesson hard

fall hard and get back up all the wiser

i guess I just haven't been very scared to try-- take a risk-- and see

one of my favorite taco shops, baja taco, has appx 2 parking spots. haha they had more in the back but it used to be a FIGHT to get one of the front spots. Anyways I always used to go there and say "someone has to get a front spot, it might as well be me." Most people would just go straight to the back but not me, I would troll those two spots and a lot of times I get one! I know that's not a risk- but I lived a lot of my life with that motto.

my old boss and friend Cara once said "you know what I love about you... is when you mess up you you're not afraid to admit you messed up and you usually learn from it and don't do the same thing twice." 

I can't remember wha I had messed up in that moment at work but it stuck with me. I took it as a great compliment from her. I remember loving that about myself. that i'm not afraid to try..go for it....expect that if I mess up i'll be ok and get up and figure it out. 

I got older.

and sometimes falling and getting back up hurt a lot more

stung a little bit more

I took risk that had bigger losses than before

I think after awhile I kind of stopped trying

i started just "getting in line" with the rest of the world

doing what the other grey haired people do

just do the normal--- and stop taking so many risk--settle down wit yo bad self

but realized I couldn't

that God didn't make me for a straight line

in fact he had already delivered me from trying to be perfect and would NOT 

let me go back to trying to be that girl again

every time I tried to do the "straight line" thing

it didn't seem to work

worked for others but not for Lindsay

I think i'm supposed to keep being  curious

keep being ok with taking risk

and life looking different

and keep on getting hit a bit..but getting back up....

***Insert Rocky Quote right here--- you know the one**** 

these lyrics from needtobreathe hit me so good...I think i'm just going to keep living a life that NEEDS Jesus to show up with Miracles everyday...little ones...and big ones... not the life I can control..but a life were i'm the daughter and he takes care of me.

"I don't need silver linings

I don't need so much more

I just need room to be wrong sometimes

that's all i'm hoping for

I feel like we could find it

if we knocked on heaven's door

i'd say God, i'm only human

you'd say that's what i'm here for

writers need to live a life to write about

this post is for my single friends.. and maybe my older retired friends too...

there is this cute show on Apple called "home before dark" 

it's about a family and the dad is a writer and a reporter and his little 4th grader follows in his footsteps

she tries to find out mysteries in her dads small home town and writes about it

anywhooooo in one of the episodes the dad tells the little girl that she needs to stop investigating for one night

that she needs to go live her life..that in order to write about life she has to live it.. that's what writers do.. they have to live life..see it..experience it then write about it..

got me. 

has life felt not very interesting lately? to anyone else? nothing to really write home about? Maybe that's why we're all just posting photos of food and just following influencers? Because we're not living a life worth writing home about? Well for me I feel like i've got in this comfort zone and it's pretty...boring.

I get it I get it-- life isn't always mountain tops and exciting adventures- it doesn't need to be the freaking best day ever every day---but-- you should be able to sit in a room with your friend and be like "wow that was a moment i'll remember for a long time" we laughed hard over a silly convo or i'm so glad we went Tubing today -- or that guy we met at the pool with the short shorts was a gem. memories. moments.  I feel like they've been few this year because online has been high- watching fake life on tv and insta vs. living life.

are you living life or watching others make up a story for you.

and i know it's not all bad-- hellooo TED LASSO INSPIRES ME SO MUCH.hahah but it's so easy being single to get into a routine of home after work, cook some food, watch a show and go to bed early. haha ok just me? I love early mornings so I'm in bed so early! 

and those are great- great to get rest- but it doesn't all need to be rest- especially my extraverted friends--- the way we fuel is by living a life with strangers and people.... playing volleyball or talking to the stranger at the pool.. or playing board games with your friends instead of just watching tv... it can be in the little moments too-- but just taking the time to create those moments and notice them-- vs.. I don't know... each of us just staying in our own homes living our own lives and kind of coasting.

i used to write songs-- I had so much to write about---I have a friend that for about 15 years- anytime I see him he ask "hows the new song coming" ha he NEVER lets it go...

I think it's time for us all to write a new song--- do something a little fresh- even if it means going alone and going outside the box--let's all try--- add some spice back into the week-- write that new country song :) 

does growing up look like giving up?

Did you give up living your life? The life you were when you were a kid---- I mean we can't be kids forever obvi-- but did you give up believing in yourself- believing in a life that is important and full of joy. I think I hit a point where I just kind of thought "it's time to be normal, it's time to settle down and be normal" and to be honest, me trying to be normal doesn't really work. Somehow it looked like me stop living and trying to be something else. 

I have a sweet friend whose mama just passed. But when she was in hospice she was making hair and lunch appts. my friend said some people thought she should stop her and bring her back to reality, but my friend didn't. My friend kept letting her mom make appts till the day she passed. her mom lived her life till the very last moment- scheduling and kept going not knowing if she'd get to eat that lunch or get her hair done. 

I told my friend sometimes I wish I was that hopeful and faithful with life as her mom. some days I just waste a day with being stuck. Not knowing which step to take next, or maybe having fear of being different and taking a different step that I just don't take any. So I just sit--- and miss a day-- and another day.

I want to be more like her mama- living a life with a goal- with a mission- like 12 year old Lindsay did- She was NOT concerned with the American dream as a little girl. 

At 30 something ;) I have gotten very concerned with the American dream and how I don't have it.... and how I need it. I got so focused on "normal"... I forgot that I have another story to live right now--- and to find it and go for it--- that I have to keep going towards something amazing and fun which is me and my story God made just for me. And yes it will be hard and there will be mistakes and set backs but it's the only one made for me.

The past year or so... I haven't really made many mistakes other than not trying for anything at all. I'm being vulnerable here- for the 1 person that might read this- I've become more "normal" than I ever have been- and I just don't like it. it's boring- I want to fight for things and work hard for things and set goals and achieve and fail. LIVE LIFE. 

Yahweh made us to live a life-- He did--- and i'm not talking prosperity gospel here- it's not all Millions of dollars and perfect health and just perfect. Life is hard and tragic and things don't always go your way and we will NOT understand His will most of the time- but I do know this--- he wants us to keep pursuing him--- keep going towards the gifts we've given-- keep being a light and trying for things- trust for him to come through on things that are bigger than us.

That's all-  I needed to write this to myself- this is a letter to Lindsay Michelle Frail... GET UP... 

growing up doesn't mean giving up who you are. 

keep going with who you are--- even if it's hard ...WHEN it's hard.

what if it takes 40 years to write that book

keep writing

20 years to write a song

keep singing

keep going 

30 years to find a mate

keep dating

Even if you don't see it on this side of heaven--- isn't it better to keep trying till the day you die than your heart to die while you're on earth. 

ok bye. mic drop.