i'm trying to write again
trying to find the words in my life
hoping to sing again
writing helps me feel
helps me see, helps me wonder
so im trying to write again.
I used to write about all the light I saw everywhere
in every little thing
which is an amazing outlook
seeing good in a woman you pass on the street
or the good in everything
the love I felt
the hope I felt for love
I used to be able to sing about all kinds of things
but then everything got hard
everything got heavier
I got older haha
it got harder
and I didn't know what to do
I didn't know what to do when I couldn't see good anymore
so I just stopped writing
stopped singing
tried to stop feeling and just get through the days
because if you can't see positive and if you can't feel good and joy
then you need to not feel at all right?
so that's what I tried to do
get through day by day
and not feel
and I know we can't live on feelings
but what I also wasn't doing when I was trying not to feel
was blocking healing
blocking growth
so slowly I let negative things in
and slowly started talking to the lord about them
giving them over to him
slowly started feeling again
and it wasn't pretty feelings
but it was all I had
and he took it and healed
and grew me in such lovely ways
and there was a small group of friends surrounding me
to hold my hand and lead me towards him
***** side tangent for a moment
i've always loved a lot of people
and felt loved by many
made friends quickly and felt deeply for them quickly
but I will say... when ugly comes out
only a few can really handle that
when you're needing to shed some ugly
and work through things
only a small group are there
and that is good to see and know
lots of people can be loved by you and be in your life
but it's the tiny group- that love you in it all
and this isn't a diss on anyone- just a good thing noticed
thankful for the tiny group to be there in the hardest
I only had room for the tiny group
**** side tangent over
I don't know the point of this writing
who writes blogs anymore?
ha but all I know is I need to write again
it's not all going to be good
but it needs to come out
maybe there is a ton of fat
flubber
junk
grub
goop
on top of the good stuff and I have to keep writing the goop (I think goop is a good word) to get to the nitty gritty good stuff
so here is my goop
writing words
to hopefully get to songs again
hopefully find songs to sing again
this isn't about nashville or all the other singers in nashville
screw all of that
I was here before all of that
I was born a singer and a writer and I don't care how many writers or singers come here
i'm still one of them
still a writer
still have a song
no matter if 1 million other people in nashville do or not
I need to keep letting the goop out (haha i'm not letting goop go, maybe the first song I sing again will be called goop)
I will keep writing weird, bad not awesome,"what was the point of that" stuff
until I get to the one that when I write it
I cry
sob
because I knew I hit core
hit something
a song that I know needs to be out
needs to be sung
in hopes that someone else needs to hear it too
needs to feel it
not to feel to feel
but to feel to heal
feel the song to know that someone else hears that, sees that, has felt it In lift and knows
they're not alone
Songs have that kind of power
power to bring us together
iwant to find that again
the power to sing a song that mends us together
in a time where we all live in our own box
the "YOU DO YOU" generation
garbage
we need each other
we need to sing songs together
share life
so im going to keep writing
for myself
and hopefully someday
for someone else too
