Wednesday, June 29, 2011


i feel like i'm running
in the wrong direction

like everyone else is going the correct way.
go right for 10 years
then make a left for 30 years
then make another right turn in 10 years

and then there is me
i'm going to go zig zag for 1.5 years
then spin around in circles on my head for 2.3 years
then maybe take the fork in the road
oh crap...
i went the wrong way down the fork in the road for 2.6 years
now back to the other side of the fork in the road for 5 years
then drive for 3 years going the wrong way on a one way road

laughing the whole way.

but sometimes
it just hits me
where am i?
who am i?
and am i the absolute only person on this road.

today was one of those days.
i'm being honest.
it's my blog
i can do what i want.

i just hit a wall
like crap.
i love my friends.
love my family.

but dog gone it.
where am i?
and sometimes i stop and i feel alone.
rarely do i feel alone.
haha you're laughing because I always have 1000349039 people around

i'm blessed you're all blessings.

but sometimes if i stop.
i'm alone.
and i will cry.
today was that day.

i just kept having to run to the bathroom.
to cry.
haha i'm sure my boss thought
"this girl is a mental."

and the thing is
there is nothing
anyone say that will make it ok
sorry friends i know you try
but there is nothing.

it has to be me and God.
He made me this way.
so I need Him to answer.

why am i running down a one way road
the wrong way.
then i remember
as a christian
or most of the time
i'm going up stream

fighting the whole way
fighting what i know
what i hear God telling me
and what the world says
and sometimes it hurts
sometimes it just plain pisses me off.

i feel that in my car
i'm the closest with God.
me and Him.
the 6 hr drive from Ohio to Nashville.
everytime we talk.
i hear him show me
in clarity i feel no where else.
then i get out of that car sometimes
and forget the feeling
the assurance
i ask the world for advice
and it tells me what it thinks

then i get confused
i go against my gut
i get lost
i look around
instead of staying focused
i let the world influence me

i feel wrong
when i ask God to show me the way
then i forget to stay strong
and i just get confused

but alas
God always finds me
picks me up
usually in music.
like this song
reminding me
he always comes to pick me up.
no matter how confused or lost i feel
today will not end on a sad note
i still may end up being confused
but i will not be lost

because He is always with us
and He is never lost.

so even though
sometimes i feel alone
riding a bike on a trail
with a sign saying "no bikes allowed"
i will keep going.
i will stay focused
and i will follow my gut
because my heart is my gut
and the world is just outside noise

noise that is louder sometimes
but wrong most of the time.

and then this dave barnes song came on my pandora
another small way God shows me Grace.

there's a mountain
here before me
i'm going to climb it
with strength not my own

Monday, June 20, 2011

the girl in the corner.

ok so if you've talked to me at all
in the past year
you've heard me talk about kickboxing.
ha probably a lot.
sorry about that.

i noticed the other day in class that i tend to go to the same bag everytime.
it's in the back of the class by the glass windows.
and i always turn my back to the class
face the windows.
and close my eyes.

so as im kicking the crap out of this bag.
i start thinking

yeah i think too much even while working out.

i start thinking "why do i always choose this bag?"

i choose it because kickboxing is hard.
really hard
and if i stop
for even a second
to see what everyone else is doing.
if they're actually doing the planks
or if they've put their knees down ;)
if i stop to see
then i get unfocused.

if i close my eyes.
i know i will push myself as hard as i can
believing everyone else is pushing as hard as me.
and i know this is not the truth.

sometimes i open my eyes.
to see that some people have stopped.
their body gave out before mine.
and in my exhaustion.
i think "they've stopped so i can stop, i made it far enough!"

or sometimes i'll see someone pushing 10 times harder than me.
and at first i'll think "oh yeahhhhh i can do that..bring it.."
haha yeah i'm competitive.

but after a bit my body will give can't handle that other girls pace
then i'll think "wow she's in really good shape. yikes i'll never catch up!"

so instead of slowing down
because someone else did and it's easier.
and instead of going too fast and trying
to do someone elses pace.

i close my eyes.
i breathe.
and i push myself.
as hard as lindsay can go.
and when i can't go anymore.
i push a bit more.

this is my life.
in that moment at kickboxing.
where i'm dripping.
i'm trying to figure out life.

but the truth is.
i think this is how we should do it.
just go.
don't compare to what someone else is doing.
don't try to go their pace.
close your eyes.
hear your heart.
go to that beat.
your beat.

can you imagine
what the world would be like
if we stopped trying to do what everyone else was doing?
we didn't get discouraged because we didn't have what someone else had?
we didn't stop...because that is where someone else stopped?

so you go your pace.
you do what you're made to do.
push yourself
even if everyone else is burnt out.

and me.
i'm going to close my eyes.
and push myself to the pace
i'm meant to go.

Music time.
i lost all my music when my computer crashed last month.
thank goodness for youtube.
love this song.