Friday, August 27, 2010

how do you see it?

ok so this summer.
haha oh this summer.
i wish everyone could have a summer.
where they are totally humbled
and taken COMPLETELY out of their comfort zone.
i don't even feel like lindsay this summer.
i was telling my roommate the other night
"I don't even know where i fit anymore, i just know i have to keep going on this path and it will make sense someday"

its been a think too much kind of summer.
but in a great way.
i think it's good to evaluate yourself everyonce in awhile.

i've learned two very big things.
hate it.
hate it
hate it.
rush hour= stinky cheese


i have too much pride.
too much.
i never thought i did.
but i do.

and one comes in the form of people.
now i love people.
if i could put everyone in my pocket
i would.

but sometimes
especially this past year.
i've felt really used.
people liking my job more than me
i got pretty jaded last year ( i hate the word jaded. its kind of cheap, but it fits)
people talking music all the time.
people talking tv.
this one "hey if you ever need anyone, let me know, i'll work for free"
or "tell me about so and so.."
i felt like this whole town was fake.
everyone was fake.
everyone was going out to be seen.
everyone was trying to use everyone else.
(I'm not talking about my closest friends, they're the
but i just had enough of nashville and the fakeness.

so i took a break.

i was tired of feeling used.
people only talking to me when they wanted things
people only being around me
when they wanted things

and this summer.
i've realized
i was wrong.

yes maybe i was being used sometimes.
but i was looking at it ALLL WRONG.

i wasn't being used.
God was giving me the chance to be used.
make sense.
i was seeing it as being used. walked on. stepped on. looking like a fool.

but it was a chance.
it's ALWAYS a chance.
to help someone.
it's just the way you look at it.

maybe they're looking at it at first as "yes. i will totally befriend her to get in"
but so what.
i was taught to show love and kindness.
no matter what.
not "if i feel like it" or "if i feel like loving them back" or "if they're not using me"
show it anyways.

the thing is.
it's all in how i look at it.
the little chances in life i get to make a difference

everyday we all talk about how "we can change the world'
we all know the quote from the founders of apple.
"this ones for the dreamers, the weird ones, the ones that think outside the box"
something like that.
we're always looking for "that break. just one chance to change the world"

truth is.
we get many chances every day
all day.
but they don't look like what we think.

they're not the head of the record label
offering you a deal.
they don't come in a form of a big promotion
or "hey, i'm the perfect person ready to SWEEP you off your feet"
uh no.
i mean i believe in that.
but sometimes it's baby steps first.
baby steps up the stairs...(movie.what movie?")

they come in the form of
a friend needing an ear to listen.
someone behind you, having a bad day and whether or not you hold open the door.
or let it shut in their face.

it comes in the form of inviting someone at work to lunch.
even though you go to lunch with your fun friends.
it's the fact that she goes to lunch with no one.

it comes in the form of befriending
the unfriendable

or when you pass a homeless person
who you usually avoid eye contact with
because you don't want to give them money.
it comes in the form of
maybe they just want you to look up and smile.
just maybe that would make their day.

the little things.
i'm far from perfect. haha
way far away.
like im in never never land
away from perfect.
but the thing is.
i can't sit and wait for my big chance.

i can't wait for the next flood to hit nashville
for my heart to feel the need to help others

i can't wait for a car wreck in front of me
to have my "help the neighbor" moment
those moments are now
right now.
and i fail them everyday
we fail them everyday.

and the thing is...
those little moments
those are the ones that make us ready for the big ones.

sooo that being said.
it's all about how you look at it.
the little things.
that may not seem that important to you.
could be the moments
that change some ones life.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

i had a crush on you if...

ok so it's my summer of yes.
yes to taking back my life.
not letting a career decide who i am.
letting love and faith lead the way.

i'm 27 and have dated like an idiot for the past 5 years.
ok my friend steph would say all through college too.
but i'm over it.
i'm sick of being stupid.

so here is a huge flaw of mine.
i think i'm a great person
i'm probably one of the most charming people you'll meet ;)
so i'm not trying to beat myself up
ha but this is a flaw
what better way than a blog huh?

here are my huge dating flaws
lately i've been really good about getting rid of them
but i think guys should know they're out there
idiots like me

and talking to everyone
except the one she likes

let's play this game....

lindsay liked you if....

1. i talked to your best friend instead of you.

yeah i do this.
get asked out by the best friend.
you and your friend walk in.
i have nothing NOTHING to say to you
but instantly bond with your bff paul
sorry bff paul.
i just am too nervous to talk to your friend Bob that I like

sorry bob that i ignored you.
it's just that i was too nervous around you.

2. I've danced with your best friend.

ha and i love to dance
so chances are
i've danced with your best friend
in hopes that you would ask me to dance
ughhh just ask me to dance fellas.
it's easier than this game

unless i held your hand after you danced with me
then i liked you

3. i couldn't hold a conversation with you.

news flash.
i can have the best conversation with a bookshelf.
if i couldn't form a sentence around you
i liked you
if a conversation is really awkward, example:
you: how are you today?
me: i like pencils. sometimes i use pens. but mostly pencils, except when i use markers.

i'm baffled and have noooo idea what words are spitting out of my mouth.

i liked you.

4. if i pretended i didn't see you.

sorry guys.
this one is HUGE for me.
i suck when it comes to this

i'm at sushi yobi with friends
you walk in.
this place is smallllll.
narrow.... the waiting area is seen by the whole restaurant.
everyone sees you.
but i'm still looking the other way.
then you walk up to the table and i drop my chop sticks and act surprise.

i saw you and am 5 years old.
then i go back to number 1 and immediately start talking to your bff
and asked him to hang out and play volleyball instead of you.
i was just hoping you would say
"i want to hang out too"
see they all tie together.

5. I emailed you or facebooked you instead of talking to you

ughhh i hate that I can't say what I want to guys in person.
actually most guys are like this too

instead of talking in person.
it's weak really.
imagine if our grandparents had done this?
been this lame?
where would we be?

so guys that i have liked
i'm sorry
sorry that i really liked you
and you probably felt a connection too
and then i played ALL SORTS of games
truth is.
it was just to make you come after me.
which is stupid.
but the truth.

i smile all the time.
laugh all the time so you don't see
that i really miss or like you.
girls do that.
we want to smile in pictures so you don't get it.
but really we just want you to ask us to go get coffee.
no more games.

good thing out of all of this
this summer
i've grown soo much.
it's sad that i wish i could have grown in the past
that maybe one of you would still be in my life
but what's done is done
but i've grown
and two.
i've written some really great songs out of the heartache this has caused me.

haha no seriously
lots of songs.