Wednesday, January 26, 2011

get out of the car

i was talking with Carrie yesterday.
always amazing with that one.
she's a very wise soul.
and she is trying out a new church in Jersey.
so when she went on Sunday
she said she sat in her car for awhile.
she had a hard time going into a church by herself.
what if she didn't like it?
but she went.
and it was better than she could have ever thought.

and i started laughing because lately.
i had noticed i have been sitting in my car for things.
sitting in my car.
i will drive there.
and then get sooooo nervous i just sit in the parking lot.
thinking of driving away.
God has been putting a lot of things that i have been fearing.
in my path.
and i'm enjoying it.
it's changing me more than i ever could have imagined.

younglife clubs.
or really even just going to the girls house.
i sit in my car for a few minutes.
just thinking...
ahhhh this is hard..this is tough...
what if they ask me too hard of a question?
what if i don't know what to say?
but i go.
and everytime.
it is a blessing.

i went to write with friends yesterday.
it just happened to be on music row though.
so i got soooo nervous.
i drove by the building
4 times.
not twice.
4 times.
haha then i sat in my car.
i was like "this is stupid, what am I doing?"
then i thought.
if i want to keep writing
i will have to get out of this car.
i will have to go.
carry my guitar in public.
write in public.
no more hiding the thought in my room.

with a crush.
we hang out.
i just sit in my car.
nervous and scared.
what if he hates me?
what if i make an idiot of myself?
what if...what?
everytime i sit in my car before
i's time to be nervous over a boy again.
it's time to not let your nerves win lindsay.
(yes i talk to myself. haha all the time. my own pep talks get me through the day)

whether it's over a boy.
or writing.
or talking about God with my new friends at BA.
everytime i get out of that car.
my fear gets a little more weak
it gets smaller.
and my faith gets bigger.
everytime i'm scared.
God shows up.
he takes what I think is me...what i make about me and my strength
and he shows up.. and takes it.
shows me he's got it, if i just take the step.

for any of my close friends.
they know all of the above have been huge fears in my life.
my poor friends.
have heard me talk about music for years.
and crushes for years.
im sure this makes you all a tad happy too.
"finally that big baby stopped talking and did some walking!"

but everytime.
i open the door to my car.
put on my smile
and say "hello im here!"
my faith becomes an action.
and my fear gets a little more weak.
and the world changes for the better a little bit more.
so i'm going to keep going.

someday you're going to have to walk.
if you want a change.
we all have fears.
we all sit in our cars and think "this is stupid."
sometimes we drive away
sometimes we take the easy way.
but the change.
the change comes from parking and getting out.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

growing up.

you know.
i could possibly be the most immature person you know.
i laugh at all the inappropriate times.
i giggle at the word "butt"
and forget it if someone farts.
and i STILL laugh at "that's what she said"
i'm a 12 year old boy.

so i was for sure i would never grow up.

but i did.
and don't worry grandma (who once told me 'if you ever grow up you'll break my heart')
i'm still your little immature baby.
i still like to tp houses.
i still like to start food fights.
i love to play flashlight tag.
but i had to grow up.

and no it wasn't the bills
and it wasn't work.
it was taking responsibility for life.
and others.

there comes a point...when you realize.
your life is not just for you.
where carrying burdens for others is part of life.
it's part of growing up.

helping a parent get through something that a child shouldn't have to.
seeing them age.
seeing them struggle with their parents getting older.
when you still want to be the kid.
but listening to them anyways.
because that's what they've always done for you.
that's growing up.

or constantly asking a friend how they are.
even if their pain and struggle with love and life
breaks your heart every time.
you do it because you know if you can take part of the hurt
just part of it for them
you've helped.
that's growing up.

it's looking forward to Christmas not for the gifts you get
but the pure joy of watching your niece and nephew open their presents.
even though the little goobers only like the boxes and paper.
that's what makes you most happy.
or the fact when they puke all over you
you don't care.
you're just happy they still let you hold them.
that's growing up.

it's being a friend for someone when you want to be more than friends.
it's knowing their heart needs time but needs your smile to get through it.
it's putting your feelings aside to be there for someone.
being anything more would only cause more confusion.
but not being there would make them have to do it alone.
because they need you.
that is growing up.

it's going to a funeral.
when you really feel uncomfortable and out of place.
but going because that person was a friend of your friends.
and even though you never knew them.
you go ahead and feel that pain too.
so when your friend sees your face there
they know you are there for them.
that's growing up.

don't get me wrong.
i'm far from perfect and i miss a lot of chances to grow up.
but i'm realizing that just making sure i feel ok
making sure i'm happy and my life is ok
is not what i was meant to do.
it's not who i was meant to be.

we're meant to get out of our comfort
and carry burdens that aren't ours.
make them ours too.
stress for someone else.
it adds hurt and more trouble on our hearts than we should have to deal with.
it's almost like going out of your way to add pain to your heart.
but if you can carry some.
just a little for someone else.
that. that is growing up.

ok on a happy note.
this is about the only picture i have of Christmas this year.
ha one for the books.
it's my brother and i playing wii tennis.
i threw out my shoulder swinging so hard.
this was right before i got really sick.
i actually think i quit this game to go lay down.
haha so this picture makes me laugh
because i look like im going to puke on him.
love my family.