Freedom.

THIS IS MY FIRST GUEST POST...AHHHH 

ha ok really it's an email from a friend, but whatever it's a guest post. I had coffee with a dear sweet friend and they asked if I would be their accountability partner. They asked if I would listen, to things they had never told anyone, if I would just hear their life so they could be set free.

I just sat there in silence. This friend I had hung out with 1000909420 times before,  sat there and read their story to me, with their hands shaking and tears in their eyes.  I set there in awe of God, I got to sit there in the front row as my friend let go of the lies, the 'secrets' they had never spoken. As they sat there and let go, let go of the fear, I got to see them become more and more free.

With in a few hours of our coffee, my sweet friend sent me this email. My hope for you and for me is that this freedom my friend has found from trusting God, from letting Go, that we all feel by resting in Him.  There is a beautiful freedom in finding Truth in Him, below is just a glimpse of that freedom.

Lindsay, 

   My mind is in overdrive! I have so much to process but I simply cannot let this morning go without a thank you. Yes, to Him be the glory...but to Him I give thanks for you and how He used you today!!! I feel so amazing, so full of love and peace and gratitude! Its so wonderful that I MUST say a little more!

Before I do, I have to tell you that it's completely TERRIFYING for me to think about sharing like that...especially with my close friends or family. I started in the past to think about it but then it seems so small and silly. I tell myself no one would understand, or its just something I need to work on, or no one will get it because no one else has the same struggles like I do. HELLLLLOOO....I know you understand that those are sinful feelings and they completely lack faith in who God is and what He can do! 

But the reason it has never been something I could share with anyone goes back to "if you really knew ___ about me you wouldn't like me". Which is crazy! I know it is! But look at the things I shared with you that I had so obviously feared across a lifetime and how they covered up the joy in living and learning. Fear has stolen away the possibility of contentment and happiness in all situations both good and bad!! I am asking myself over and over, how many things do ALL of us in this world keep hidden inside because admitting them makes us feel like someone won't like us??  We are all scared, mad, hurt, ashamed that we don't have it all together!! That shame takes over the broken heart that gives God a place to start. It separates us from the great healer. Even worse it tricks us into thinking in small ways that we aren't "good" enough to be used. As Mike Glenn has explained it, we think we are a "mostly clean glass". We see our lives this way and its as if God might decide to have a glass of milk and as He got to the bottom where our "dirt" was He would see it, be horrified, and would spit us out. Yet He is the only one that can wash us clean in the first place. I couldn't understand what it meant to have a "willingness" to change and be made clean. Made new and set free!

True. Renewal. 

It's real!! It's like I knew it existed and still feel like I just heard it for the first time.

Linds, guess what??! I DON'T have it all together!! It feels great!!!

This honesty has brought in its wake a powerful flood of self reflection has overwhelmed me with an unbelievable sense of compassion for myself in the last few weeks. I can feel it breaking down walls and I have actually been considering how many things I do well instead of continuing to beating myself up for "being a mess." I'm learning and growing and making mistakes but I can love myself more than I ever imagined by first forgiving ME for being ME:)

Then, I can rest in knowing God forgives me and loves me and He was after me all along. He can make the wrong things right again and better than I ever imagined. 

In the spirit of fellowship and in confession I must say this: It's not that I have been able to conceal any bad habits from you or anyone over the years. I spent years alone in this feeling by believing that I was or even that I should.  But you have known these things about me for years and years and never cared about me any less because of them! I know its true but I had to allow myself to "KNOW" that it was. For real Linds, its so scary to go day by day essentially "trying to hide" in plain sight. I'm laughing as i'm typing this because the ridiculousness of Adam and Eve gasping because they were naked and grabbing the first fig leaf they could find to cover up is coming to mind! I never appreciated the depth of that story before. Its like we suddenly see that we are doing wrong so we are ashamed and hide from God AND from each other. I'm know its why so many people become isolated in a place where addictions can start, or anger, or a million other things which only carry us further away from a closeness with Him. What a pity to have a good friend like you and not allow myself a genuine vulnerability for us through fellowship or by lovingly accepting each other no matter what. 

So. Here it is in black and white (AND in email no less where it could always be found and where someone could always read it and discover who I really am!!!) Ahhh!!!! I'm going for it. I'm typing it and making it real!!!

I am lost. I am incomplete. I am a sinner and cannot do anything on my own besides fall. I am mourning my own "best life" and I have been in bondage to my sins. I have been walking around heavy and in chains. I have hurt others in ways I cannot fix on my own. I have strayed from the Father who made me, the Master to whom I belong. I have remained hurt and not allowed the Healer to make me well. I have cried out to Him in the darkness, then hid from His light.

But I am loved. I am forgiven. I am seeking Him. I feel that He is calling my heart. He is whispering in my ear that He wants all of me. I want to accept the gift of Him and confess that I struggle daily to keep a fortress together that is built on a foundation of sand. I do not want to keep up this maddening effort! My soul is crying out. I need Him. I MUST confess to others in the faith AND to my Lord. I need strong brothers and sisters to watch after me and help carry me when I fall. In Him I have found more than I had believed was lost to begin with. I must never give up. I must run the race and be worthy of the reward. I desire the strength that comes from following Him and trusting. I must allow myself to feel and give a name to my heartache, pain, and fear in order that I may be free from the power of sin and shame. I no longer find it comfortable to remain burdened with denial. I am exhausted by a fools errand that I will one day "find" my way to Him and "see" my own gifts. I cannot spend my days looking all around!! Treating his promises for our purpose and for eternal life like something in a box under a tree left for me to find!! I cannot deny the meaning of this or I will never know Him. I believe that He has always been with me and he will go to the past and make it well, I must only surrender it to Him. 

Amazing grace how sweet the sound. This glimpse I have had today of my Lord, I don't even have the words! I am heavy and breathless with HOPE and I believe in the freedom of a life lived for Him. I believe in His promises for me AND YOU!!!
The essence of faith!! it happened just like that. If I was in conversation and not forced to slow down in order to type it out I might have missed its power. It feels so delicate, so small...like the mustard seed! (Oh WOW I get that story too!!!)  Praise God, oh my heart! To see a glimpse of His love and feel it like I have never felt it before. I envisioned this experience but pictured it happening high up on a mountain or in a beautiful state of meditation and instead it was over coffee and conversation with a friend. A coffee shop. He was there and He is here. Restoration has started in me today and I could not hold it in. AND YOU WERE WITH ME! 

"But now thus says the Lord, he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. I give Egypt as your ransom, Cush and Seba in exchange for you. Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you, I give men in return for you, peoples in exchange for your life. Fear not, for I am with you; I will bring your offspring from the east, and from the west I will gather you. ..." Isaiah 43:1-7