im still here

i'm trying to write again

trying to find the words in my life 

hoping to sing again

writing helps me feel

helps me see, helps me wonder 

so im trying to write again.

I used to write about all the light I saw everywhere

in every little thing

which is an amazing outlook

seeing good in a woman you pass on the street

or the good in everything

the love I felt

the hope I felt for love 

I used to be able to sing about all kinds of things

but then everything got hard

everything got heavier

I got older haha 

it got harder 

and I didn't know what to do 

I didn't know what to do when I couldn't see good anymore 

so I just stopped writing

stopped singing

tried to stop feeling and just get through the days

because if you can't see positive and if you can't feel good and joy 

then you need to not feel at all right? 

so that's what I tried to do

get through day by day

and not feel

and I know we can't live on feelings 

but what I also wasn't doing when I was trying not to feel

was blocking healing

blocking growth

so slowly I let negative things in

and slowly started talking to the lord about them

giving them over to him

slowly started feeling again

and it wasn't pretty feelings 

but it was all I had 

and he took it and healed

and grew me in such lovely ways

and there was a small group of friends surrounding me

to hold my hand and lead me towards him

***** side tangent for a moment

i've always loved a lot of people

and felt loved by many

made friends quickly and felt deeply for them quickly

but I will say... when ugly comes out

only a few can really handle that

when you're needing to shed some ugly

and work through things 

only a small group are there

and that is good to see and know

lots of people can be loved by you and be in your life

but it's the tiny group- that love you in it all

and this isn't a diss on anyone- just a good thing noticed

thankful for the tiny group to be there in the hardest

I only had room for the tiny group

**** side tangent over

I don't know the point of this writing

who writes blogs anymore?

ha but all I know is I need to write again

it's not all going to be good 

but it needs to come out

maybe there is a ton of fat

flubber

junk

grub

goop

on top of the good stuff and I have to keep writing the goop (I think goop is a good word) to get to the nitty gritty good stuff

so here is my goop

writing words

to hopefully get to songs again

hopefully find songs to sing again

this isn't about nashville or all the other singers in nashville 

screw all of that 

I was here before all of that

I was born a singer and a writer and I don't care how many writers or singers come here

i'm still one of them

still a writer

still have a song

no matter if 1 million other people in nashville do or not

I need to keep letting the goop out (haha i'm not letting goop go, maybe the first song I sing again will be called goop)

I will keep writing weird, bad not awesome,"what was the point of that" stuff

until I get to the one that when I write it

I cry

sob

because I knew I hit core 

hit something 

a song that I know needs to be out

needs to be sung

in hopes that someone else needs to hear it too

needs to feel it

not to feel to feel

but to feel to heal

feel the song to know that someone else hears that, sees that, has felt it In lift and knows

they're not alone

Songs have that kind of power 

power to bring us together

iwant to find that again

the power to sing a song that mends us together

in a time where we all live in our own box

the "YOU DO YOU" generation

garbage

we need each other

we need to sing songs together

share life

so im going to keep writing

for myself

and hopefully someday

for someone else too