why do I love sports? why do I hate them? ha this is the question

 I grew up loving a lot of things.

outdoors.

strangers.

country music. 

sweets. 

riding bikes.

being a little dirty. God made dirt and dirt don't hurt.

pink and glitter. 

baking.

and sports. 

it's a diverse list I know. as a guy friend once said "you're the most predictable unpredicatable person i've ever met." one of the highest compliments i've ever gotten.

Anyways. I love sports. always have. ever since I was a little girl

I love being at the games. my parents would drive us 4 hrs to see a 4 hr baseball game and then drive us home.

I loved it. that sounds like most peoples worst nightmare but not mine.

I wanted to work in sports events

I didn't know why I just did, I loved the atmosphere of the game. 

I moved to nashville and didn't really care for sports because my other love was here.

music. 

and I LOVE ME SOME COUNTRY still to this day. even seeing behind the curtain. it reminds me of home. it's ohio in a song. 

anways. I didn't watch baseball here, barely watched anything. 

then one day a friend got me back into. got me into a team called the tennessee titans. 

ha and my heart just came back alive in a whole new /old way. 

I felt like little lindsay again. 

cheering on strangers while sitting next to a bunch of strangers.

high fiving randoms and also trash talking some other randoms. ha ok ok only bengals fans, they're so fun to trash talk- they're just fun people. I like them. 

so anyways- yesterady was a hard day-the titans had a week off so I thought "good it can just be a low key weekend" ha I was wrong

not only did BOTH my fantasy football teams lose by a few points, but the titans traded our captain, our heart and soul of the team, kevin byard. 

I know I know I know he's just a stranger- but it hurt me a bit. made me sad. for a short moment just made me want to find another hobby. 

so I went for a walk and was like "why do I love sports? why do I hate them?"haha 

THIS IS THE QUESTION

here is what I LOVE about them. 

billions of dollars go into them- millions of people watch sports- billions probably. but it's huge, massive, all over the world. 

and yet ...YOU CAN'T CONTROL IT. even if some refs may throw a game or some owners or players may be bought (who knows just saying)...you still can't fully control it because you can't control everyone, can't control people. So at the end of the day the best team might not win, the worst team might not lose, you can't predict it. The lady with the brightest future might get hurt and get knocked out of the race, the right people maybe never saw the play the right way and called it wrong. You can't control it. and that's honestly what I love ab out it. 

What I hate about it is just htat. I can't control if Amy Adams sells Byard...I can't control if we win another game. But let me tell you I AM screaming my heart out in section 128, bc they can hear me from row G I believe it and I believe it matters. hah but at the end of the game- I can't control what happens, no matter how much I try and I hate that. 

sports are the best representation we have of life, yet we get to watch from the outside. So we get to critique , we get to judge Amy for what seems like a rough decision, we get to yell at the refs or the kicker for missing, like we would have done it better, because we're watching. Our hearts are in it but we don't have any risk except our hearts. 

I love it because it looks like life, it is life, and I get to watch and have no risk. except the cost of my ticket, and the antenna I've purchased for away games :) hah 

I love sports bc it's no risk to me but it gets my heart on fire, it hurts and excites me and makes me fall in love, and get mad. now I do love sports and will forever love them.

however, I think this is how life is supposed to be too. we're supposed to love it, love it fiercely, love our people, maybe don't shout at them liek we do the TV, but love it, give it our all. Be dissapoint3ed when it doesn't go our way- but stick it out even if the titans might be last in their league this year. stick it out. 

i'm learning from sports. I don't want to feel more for a sport than I do my life. I want to love my family this way, my friends, a man if God will have it ;) feircely, get the calls wrong sometimes, trade the wrong players (Amy I think we should keep byard, I think this is a mistake like AJ), make mistakes, but take a risk for a life that is big and alive like God planned for us. 

I give the titans my ALLLLLL on Sundays- I think I love them. I think I do. haha but I want to live my life with that too. ya'll I bought a season ticket by myself. ONE SEASON TICKET. bc I wanted a good seat, and didn't want to buy two expensive seats, so I bought one. knowing "i'll make friends" haha and I have. 

but I took a risk- that I don't do in all areas- I have fear, we all do- but the most beautiful parts of my life are when I push past them and just trust it will work out. I'm soooo thankful I bought this ticket- i'm having a great time. and I want to keep doing that in my life. not wait for perfect. not wait for the most perfecdt way. 

I tell people all the time, God made me analytical, he made me a thinker, and that's such a good side. I get it from my dad. But I think one of my favorite traits of myself is when I just risk it- take that leap knowing it'll work out, even if I lose, even if I break a bone or get traded- it's worth it all. 

thats' all- sports Inspire me to live with more heart- wake up from the numb of netflix and live a life that is in front of me. I'm not talking about jumping out of planes, kissing strangers and moving to Europe...I mean MAYBE but ...just in my everyday life. living it more with a spirit of faith and love ...like i've got nothing to lose. 

i'll miss byard. but there will be another player- he will find another home...we all will go on and keep growing. it wasn't a mistake he came to the team... so it wasn't a waste- I don't want to waste moments out of fear how they end. we've got a game to play. i've got a life to live. going to try to live a little bit more like the sports I love. 

titan up. 

you're kinder to strangers

you're kinder to strangers

than those closest to you

it stings really

I mean...

i get it i do

it's easy to be nice to people who don't know you

you want to give them help give them money

show your generosity 

you want to take care of the customer

but not the family

you run around

scramble around 

make us chase you

make us follow you 

all for the dollar all for the fame

all talk for the stranger

and trouble for the ones closest 

i get it i do

it's easier to wear the mask 

then face the music 

that you actually don't do 

can't do

anything you're actually saying 

 you are the saying 

"those who can't do teach"

 yes it's important to be kind to strangers

but  just look around and see who you're drowning in your wake

some things never change

I was just reading through old blogs I wrote forever ago.

so thankful 10 years ago i decided to write them down

what a gift to read those 

I wrote one about my brother

and how much I adored him 10 years ago when he turned 18

and it made my heart sink. 

it was about my brother zach and how much I loved him 10 years ago. 

Gosh I loved him so much growing up

mom said he was my own little baby doll

and I just thought it was my job to love him as much as i possibly could

and I did- I gave it my all back then

and as we have grown these past ten years I can't believe i love him even more

he's grown into a fine man

and one of my absolute best friends, favorite people in the world.

It didn't. change over the years

it just grew more as we both got older and I just love it so much

love him tons

he would gag if he read this

and I love that too

then would try to pick me up and squeeze me like he did when he was 18

he hasn't changed that much and I love that

I read another one about my friends

and how they were a gift from the Lord when I first moved to Nashville 

I beamed at the thought of knowing a lot of those friends 15 years later

and they're still a gift 15 years later 

we've learned to let go of having us all at every.single.event

that life moves at different paces and phases 

it's not fair and it can even be mean

but if you keep your friends close

even if you can't keep them all close all the time

that you can get through anything

it hasn't changed 

we still look GOOOOODD TOO just fyi. it hasn't changed. ha 

I read one ...ok many that I wrote and a lot that were still in the "draft" phase

10 years later

most of those were "I'm not sure what i'm doing with life"  or

"this is hard not sure what God Is calling me to do" 

"I like him, God" ha 

lots of those in the draft or some written

and im so thankful for those blogs too

bc 15 years later it's still hard

I still get stressed and worried im taking the wrong steps

still nervous for the things I think God is saying for me to do

still the same girl

just a little mroe beat up, a fwe more falls

more broken hearts

more mistakes under my belt

and a whole lot of wins

but i'm so glad I wrote all those down ..sweet little younger lindsay

trying to figure "it out" struggling to know which way to go

Im thankful sweet little linds journaled all those things back then

I think I was reallly looking for the answer

and im thankful for it all

because today I still don't know

I still mess up

I just have a ton more years to look back at and know 

it was wroth it- doing It all not knowing which way to really go

I think I know now that we'll never know

it's all just steps

steps we think are right

steps that feel like who God made us to be

loving those we think we are. able and made to love

and letting others go that might need to move on

whew...a little older but it hasn't changed much

I still absolutely love Zachy wachy

I still feel blessed by the friends in my life. Lord knows they're wild for saying yes to being my friends

and I still feel confused and worried at life sometimes

 but little linds had hope and ambition and she had a HECK of a lot of fun

she loved life and music and wasn't afraid of falling

so I want to keep that part the same too

to kepe going, keep hoping, keep little linds alive in leaping and jumping

even if she doesn't know really where she's going

run into a few walls while living this life

but living this life well and how God created me to live it

hhaha thankful some things never change