How do you know?

How do you know?

People use that question a lot.

in big life decisions 

and especially in love

"How did you know which college to go to?"

"Which Job is the right one for me?"

"How did you know they were the one?" 

"How do you know which way God is pointing you?"

sometimes we just want advice
sometimes we use it to weigh out the options

and sometimes we just use it out of worry
worry of making the wrong choice.

I was thinking about this question today
and my mind went to my brother
I know I know..I talk about him a lot

but guess what..
he's awesome and you should know him

anywho.

he was always good at sports

he was born good at baseball

he had a trainer in middle school that told him he could go far
college and maybe further
if he worked really hard he could do it

zach's response....

"ehhhh maybe."

and soon after that

he stopped playing
ohhh i could have hurt him

hurrrtt him

haha he was so good at it..
he liked it
but he didn't love it

just liked it

so he quit

my mind went to the obvious,

"you're excellent at baseball and you like it and could play in college...dude come on!!"
it was obvious to me..but to him it was

"ehh" 

he just liked it. didn't love it.

then came his senior year of high school

and he called me and asked me to support him

uhhhh ohhhh

what did he do now?
haha

and then he said 

"i'm going to join the marines. I don't need you worrying, I need you of all people to be the one to support me, the one to cheer me on!"

i immediately started tearing up
i couldn't help it,they just came out

i just sat there
then asked

"why?"

and he said "I've just always wanted to. it's right for me. I've always wanted to, it's in my heart"
and i just sat there
i wanted to smile..and say yes...i really did

but i just kind of sat there
then he said "plus i need your help..I need to learn how to run a mile and a half in 10 mins"

haha then I just laughed

at the thought of us both running that fast

and then said "OK I will help you"

and that was it.

from that day forward
i knew..i knew it was the right career for him
i didn't say "zach think this over...zach this is dangerous..."

i had chosen to support him

run with him
run next to him
put my feelings aside and encourage him

now don't get me wrong

plenty of times he's made dumb decisions
and i'm the first one there to tell him
i'm usually the first to give him my opinion
haha but this time

i knew to support him

because for the first time

i saw something in him
i saw zach experience passion

he was good at a lot of things
he liked a lot of things
but this was the first time i saw him pushing himself
running and working out and disciplining himself

every time I went home I saw a new Zach

he didn't pick the easy choice
he didn't go where his friends were going

he picked what his heart felt
and he was pushing himself towards it

and now he's that marine he pictured himself being

and it's not easy for him

and some days i know he thinks "oy vey i wish i would have picked something easier"

but his passion
his hard work

that makes me know he choose the right thing
he just knew

and i love that he followed the path less chosen and followed the path for him
he knew and followed that with out looking back.

when i was younger i thought "knowing" was black and white
open door vs. close door

OBVIOUS

and yes God is obvious

but the more I walk with Him
i'm realizing "what's right" usually isn't the one with the
"I'm the one sign"
it's usually the one that scares me
it's usually the one that looks absolutely the hardest
that's usually how I know it's where i'm supposed to go next
haha not because God is a mean God
not at all and I will admit that I used to think that
that it was all a punishment because I was a sinner

but no..not because of that

usually it's the path less traveled

not because He wants to show us we're strong
but i think He puts the things we're meant to do
or the ones we're meant to love
in the middle of really tough places
to show us it's Him and His plan only
nothing we planned
and that it's worth it

to show me

it was all Him
all from Him and to run towards it

I asked my dear friend Sadie recently to pray for clarity of a situation
and she said "nope,  I'm not praying for clarity for you..I'm praying for you to trust Him...where ever he takes you..no matter how hard it looks that you follow and trust."

haha talk about a friend.
she was exactly right
trust
hear His voice
Go where it almost seems impossible
trust He placed it on your heart
and trust He is already in the middle of it all...ready to guide you right in the middle of it

see the more I grow
the more I realize if it's right
He's not going to walk you around it

most likely it's not going to be this simple thing
most likely He'll use that passion

that glimpse of extraordinary
and walk you right through
what you think is too hard to do
and show you what you're meant to do

what is right is usually that thing you can't imagine ever having the courage to face
but you face it anyways
or that person that makes your heart beat a million miles a minute
and you don't know why
and the thought of facing the rest of life with out them 
is heart breaking
so no matter how hard it looks
that..that heart beat
that passion
that's how i've learned it's usually Him 

I used to want easy
but the more I grow the more I realize

the things or people God is really calling us to
sometimes
most of the time
look impossible
look impractical

look like a closed door

and yet our heart has passion

from Him

you'll be good at a lot of things
you'll like a lot of people

but run towards the thing that scares you
the person that seems too good to be true
follow that passion
His voice
trust that God has better than "like"

that God has better than "Good"

and trust you can't do it but that He already has

follow your heart beat when it's beating super fast
and Trust God placed that passion there on your heart
trust.

God give me strength to go where you call me to go

Lord give me strength to stand still when you have called me to stay

Please don't let me settle for anything less than your plan

Ephesians 3:20- God can do anything, you know - far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us. (The Message)

You can't plan it.

A wise woman by the name of Aggie once told me 

"You can't plan it!!!" 

ha and it took me a long time to even agree to that

for a long time I thought "yes I can" 

but she was right

you can't plan it.

but there is a second half to not planning

it's learning to accept what God gives you and who He gives you 

as a gift

sometimes we miss the gift because we're so busy looking forward

asking God for something new
or something easier

sometimes we get so busy trying to plan it all out

that we forget to see it as a gift
forget that He's brought us here
where He's brought us from

we forget to say thank you for where we are

sometimes i'm so busy wondering about the future

i forget to look at exactly where i am

and exactly who i'm standing next too

our God is an amazing God

outrageous

and He's also extremely detailed
so intentional

look at your thumb print
look at the sunrise

how can you not be in awe of His every detail?

so I love to look at where i've come from

where i'm standing

who He has in my life

who He talks to me about

and instead of wondering what comes next 

i just like to say 

thank you

thank you God for putting me here

bringing me from there

and letting me walk with these people.

here are just a few photos

of goodness in my life

of the people God intentionally placed in my life

 my birthday. learning to receive love and His goodness. overwhelming

 a balloon and a card on my car reminding me i'm loved.

 celebrating one of our best friends marrying this man. welcome to the fam brian.

 friendships that i didn't even know i needed when i moved here.

 double rainbows. reminder of how big and romantic God is.

 drew and ellie. reminder of how music makes me feel closer to Him. and makes me dance.

 these girls. they make me happy.

far more than a coworker with this one

 summer of adventure and seeking God's pure joy started on this day with them.

this is my church. beyond humbling. beyond joy. He knew what I needed better than I did.

 my family is cray cray. and i wouldn't have it any other way.

My story. My name.

I got a tattoo a few weeks ago, it's the word "Beloved" and it's on my wrist. It's turned into this topic of conversation, it's turned into me telling my story and walk with Christ. Not just telling the story to my friends but to some pretty random people.  I'm learning the more I talk about what God has done in my heart, that so many people have sat in the same lies. So many women have believed the same lie, and never acknowledged it or hid it or pretended it wasn't a lie they believed, and I'm sure there are just as many men that believe the same lie. So I want to share a story, my story with God, how He took who I thought I was and showed me who I really am through His eyes.

To love is to be transparent to be vulnerable. So here I go, the blog I never thought I'd write, the song I swore I'd never sing outside of my room. This is not to show you me, but to show you God. Show you the lies I believed for so long and how God pursued me and never stopped chasing and taking them from me till I was free.

This is my story (the short version). God gives us each a different story, different tools to bring us all to our knees and to Him. Even though we all have a different story, they all have the same purpose. His purpose for us all is to know His love, to know Him and to shine and lead others to Him.

Mine came to me a few years ago. Now I've always known of Him, always know He was near, but I don't think I realized what I really believed of His love. Till a few years ago He showed me, how I talked of His love, but what I really believed of it, or how little I believed of it.

So most ladies grew up looking to date, loving to go on dates. Afterall, dating is the path to marriage and most women love that! :)  That's what dating is, you don't continue to date someone unless you can see yourself with them forever.  You date until it just doesn't fit into marriage, right? Guys ask girls on dates that they see something in, they continue to date her, pursue her heart because they could see themselves with her. When it doesn't seem like the option, you part ways, knowing that your heart was shaped in that season, but it was just a season. Anyways, most women love dating, they loved being pursued, some women have the fear of being alone, so they're never the single ones. But that is not my story. Not only was I not the one always dating, but I came to realized I was the one that feared dating, I feared being known.

My years of dating have been the opposite of any woman I knew. I didn't get asked out all the time, in fact I rarely got asked out at all, every guy I met was "just a friend". When I did date, I  always dated thinking "This will never work, he can't really like me, he'll eventually stop calling, he won't show up on this date, he'll bail out on things he said he'd be at, he'll meet my friends and think they're funnier, kinder sweeter, there is no way i'll get married, God will make me single forever."

My dating story or lack of dating story really, was based around fear and not in faith. Fear of pain, fear of rejection, just too much fear to even type out.  I believed the bottom would fall out, which meant I ultimately felt God would fail or take that man away or he would find someone better, so I might as well not try. yeah.

I honestly believed that and I never thought anything was wrong with that. I even started to think "God I'm ok with being single, I'm loved and I never really feel lonely, you made people single and i'm great with it! Rock on." I kept saying it over and over and over until one day I believed it. But it was centered around lies and fear so i believed more than just "i'm single" I believed i'm alone. ugly. annoying. not worth love.never chosen.....the lies just started to build up. I felt happy I did, and i think that was the biggest sneakiest thing. I always had guy friends, always had friends, always someone to hang with,  I felt happy-ish, but I knew I was not ever addressing what God was saying to address.

Sometimes faith isn't about the feeling of happiness, sometimes it's digging in, getting your hands dirty, digging up the roots of some sin or lies in your life, then once it's gone, not just experiencing happiness, but pure joy, joy from Christ!

So God started to dig in.

In fact my YL girls were the ones that opened my eyes and heart to the fact of what I truly believed and it all started with pinterest. One day I told them "I don't have a wedding pinterest board because I don't want to have that board incase I don't get married, that would be so embarrassing!" They asked me one simple and honest question:

"why would you believe that?"

one honest question changed my thinking, my life, my walk with Christ. My thinking of "i'm just meant to be single, that's God's plan." to "is everything based on Him or fear?"

and that was the start of my eyes being opened to lies.

Lies ...I believed until about a year ago, wow almost 2 years, God started showing me, taking it, shaking my world upside down, telling me. Showing me fear that I never wanted to address. Fear of being hurt so just keeping everyone at a safe distance. Close enough to flirt, to feel loved, but far enough with sarcasm and work that they couldn't find out who I was, or my flaws. I felt enough love but I didn't want someone close enough to realize who I was. That I get mad, I have horrible bed head, I can be mean, I'm not perfect, I'm constantly growing, I put my foot in my mouth, my heart can be broken. So I flirted and joked away life so people would just stay at a distance and I was safer that way, my heart was safer that way.

God showing me all of this was extremely overwhelming and hard, very hard and once I saw it and asked how to rid myself of the fear, every step was a step of freedom that I had never known. Once I saw that sin or lie, it became exposed and once I gave it over I saw more of God.

Then I went to Windygap last summer and the battle got even more intense.  I felt the blow even stronger, the fight for my heart get stronger.  I'm sitting in the quiet time on the mountain and praying and thinking about the girls and praying for others and I just feel God silence my mind..and say He wants me to pray about me...and this thought crossed my mind

 "How can you believe you're my beloved, how can you believe I'm all loving, that I delight in you, if you can't image anyone would love you? How do you believe in me at all if you don't believe in my love, that you're lovable?"

Tears immediately fall, silently on this hill. What did I think love meant, and how could I have possibly believed that God forgot me and this all knowing God forgot about me? I wept and wept. I somehow had believed I was unlovable, somewhere, in all the love my parents and family surrounded me with, I wasn't ever wanting to receive that I was worthy of love, true love, God's love.

And then like it was just for me...this small faint voice starts singing.."how He looooveeesss uss...ohh how He loves.." and let me tell you. I don't think I've ever felt so loved and pursued in my life. I know YL staff planned that song, but that moment was from God to me. God knows my heart, knows music, knows the lyrics to my heart, and at that very moment on the hill, in the dark, with a choir singing that song right to me, I started to realize God had been pursuing me my whole life. It was time to receive it. I am not forgotten, I've been loved my whole life, now it was time to receive it, time for me to let Him love me boldly like He does. Learn to receive grace.

that night on the hill,  I decided to fight for my heart too, stop fighting against God, and ask Him to show me all my sins. And that my friends, is a hard prayer to pray. He answers and they come up, but once they're free and I started giving Him one fear at a time, freedom. Some I gave over easier than others, and some lies and fears I literally felt God wrestling me for.

Jacob and God wrestled..so Jacob would get a new name..let me tell you, He loves me so much, we've wrestled to the point of me screaming out loud, that's how much He wants to rid me of this lie, that's how much  He loves me. We've cried and screamed, He's changed habits that I didn't want to let go of. He's shown me sins that I didn't even recognize as sins, and He's taken them from me.

I realized what faith in hope is....praying and believing..that's faith. When the rain didn't come, Noah kept His faith until the rain came. When Sarah still hadn't had her baby, Abraham told her "trust in God, He'll fulfill His promise." I always had faith until it got hard then I thought "OK that must be a no, moving on." Praying boldly. boldly ..with great faith. Change the sound of my prayers from fear to great faith and knowing He will provide His promises, His love.

life is hard. Marriage is hard. Dating is hard. I never recognized faith and prayer in hope. And perseverance, God showed me I liked to run :) Not running a 1/2 marathon kind of run,  but running away. If I wasn't able to control it, If I wasn't able to run towards it and get my way, than I would run away. Simple. Duh. Life and love was white and black, it was either a yes or a no, it either worked or it didn't, easy. haha yeah no..God really has been just opening my eyes on this.

And knowing and trusting the sound of His voice. I had believed the sound of doubt and discouragement more than I had the sound of His voice.  The sound of God's voice is bold and doesn't fit in the world. The sound of lies are very sneaky, very sly and tend to make sense in the worldly view. ex. Oh you're single, guys don't tell you you're beautiful? You are probably ugly and annoying and stupid and dying alone. Your personality is probably like nails on a chalk board and you should just settle on the first man that comes around.

And that was the last lie I really believed, that God would have me settle. If I actually did find someone that could like me, he would be just ok. And I almost bought completely into that one. A good man, a nice man,cute, fun, everyone else liked him, I eventually would probably fall in love. God is not a settling God, He's not a "he's alright, ehhh he's kind that's good enough right?' but I believed if He did have someone for me he would be "ok". No man would ever want to be some girls "ehhh he'll do" but I just really believed that's what it was...but no that's not our God at all.

HE'S AN OUTRAGEOUS ...He's the perfect sunrise every morning from my bedroom window. He's the biggest fluffiest clouds I've ever seen. He's gut laughter ..gut laughter. He's my windows down listening to country music. He's hanging out with my best friends during Sunday Funday. He's a hike at percy Warner Park.  He's the sound of 1000 people singing at church.....HE'S GOD..HE'S BOLD ..BEAUTIFUL....He loves us soooo big...of course He has love for us..Of course He loves me..Of course He has not forgotten me or you..

I don't even recognize who I was 2 years ago, from the outside looking in you might not even notice a difference. I hope you do but if you don't it's probably because I was really good at hiding. I got really good at covering things up, pretending everything was hunky dory. But God doesn't want us to pretend, He doesn't want us to fake it. We're only faking it with ourselves and others anyways, never with Him, He knows.

so that's my story. it is not a sad story at all..it's such a glorious story. It is a story of God never stopping. Always pursuing us, fighting for us. In a world full of lies this is the truth, He loves us..oh How He loves....

her name is Dee.

Sooooo I got a new number
i've never had a new number
so i texted my friends
emailed them
put a notice out on Facebook
i thought that was enough

but apparently some of you didn't get the memo
and well....
apparently
now when you get a new number
they recylce it
and give it to someone else.
haha i found out quickly that my old number
went to a woman

a woman by the name of Dee.

It started with Katelyn.

Shes my WindyGap homie

She text me to tell me that she just had the most awkward moments ever

she texted my old number and this woman told her 

that it wasn't Lindsay... and that her name was Dee

Sooo Katelyn being Katelyn text her back:

"soo awkward..." 

and then immediately texted me to tell me

hahahahah 

so we're retelling the story at dinner a few days later 

and my friend Brittany almost jumps out of her seat!

"Oh my gosh I talked to her this week! There was a group text for Biblestudy and someone put your old number on there...and Dee kept asking to get taken off the group message but people didn't catch on that it wasn't you.." haha 

hahaha at this point I'm loving this. 

This poor woman.

although I imagined she's laughing at it all
at how awkward me and my friends are

So I go to work that week...

and my coworker calls me at my standing desk:

"Hi Lindsay, sorry I missed the call, I called your old cell number by mistake, it's not changed on the contact list. Oh by the way, the woman who has your number wanted me to tell you to tell your friends about your new number. Oh and that you still get a lot of picture messages from people!" 

hahahahahahahahahah hahah 

at this point, 3 people in 1 week have spoken to Dee

So then I start wondering 

"how many of my friends have spoken to Dee and never told me?"

so what is the natural thing for me to do?

text her myself of course! haha 

it was a bit weird texting my old number 

it was like texting lindsay from the past

anywho i send her a text

"Hi Dee..my name is lindsay. and apparently you have my old number. I am sorry that you keep getting text and calls from my friends, but they're really awesome people so if you want to talk to them feel free. They're some of the funniest people you'll ever meet, so I hope you enjoy it some."

and you know what?

she responded!! 

We ended up textin for about 30 minutes.

She then told me I got about 8 Christmas text
and a lot of new years text

and said i got some photos from friends at Christmas

and that she felt very loved

And we ended on this text:

Dee: Oh and you were supposed to pick someone up from the airport last weekend

Me: Oh no? Really? Well....Did you go get them Dee?

Dee: I thought about, my kids told me to tell them you were coming to get them, but I didn't!" 

haha Dee is funny! 

And I'm thankful I got to talk to her

Since then several of my friends have texted her

my cousin Austin

whom I have talked to from my new number

was texting her..something about Easy E at grandmas house?

hah

and then a friend from the class of 2012 texted Dee
btw..miss you ross

anyways...I got this tweet from Ross

hahahaha ohhh Dee...

thank you for laughing with us...

thank you for being apart of my story

even if you didn't want to at all

I hope you enjoy it some

so if you get bored, text my old number

her name is Dee

Tell her hi

she's cool.

H-E- Double Hockey Sticks

haha when I was a kid
that's how I said hell
"H-E-Double Hockey Sticks"
ha I thought every kid said it that way
then once I got to college I realized I was about the only one
that said it that way.
ha whatever
that's still how i say it

anyways
there are these wonderful, sweet, dear, kind, loving musicians
named Joey + Rory that have this song 
i loved this song since the first time i heard it
i remember it clearly
we were sitting in a hallway
waiting to rehearse 
and they just started singing it
and i just fell in love

it's called 
"Loved the Hell" 
and it's beautiful
a beautiful song about love.

it opened my eyes to a real love
a persistent love
a love that doesn't stop

true love
loving someone 
even if they hurt you
even if they don't understand you
even if you don't understand them
loving them when they let you down
loving
just pure love

here are the lyrics to the first two verses 

A hundred times my Mama told me
That boy's trouble with a capital T
You'll never change him, I know his kind
But I didn't pay her any mind

Cuz, I...I...I..I just loved the hell outta him
Yeah, I...I...I…I just loved the hell outta him

He used to go out on the town
Close every single beer joint down
But I never asked him where he'd been
When he'd come draggin' in...

Cuz, I...I...I..I just loved the hell outta him
Yeah, I...I...I..I just loved the hell outta him

just love this song

so this morning i was riding into work
and this song came on my shuffle
and i just turned it up and started singing
and i sing all the time to every song
it's rather annoying to passengers sometimes
i just can't help myself
haha any who


for whatever reason i stopped singing in the middle of this song
and i heard the lyrics
heard one word
in the last verse
i had never heard before.

He swore the one thing he'd never do
Is sit here beside me in this pew
So I just smiled and said amen
This mornin' when he walked in...

'Guess, I...I...I…I just loved the hell outta him
Yeah, I...I...I…I just loved the hell outta him

i've always loved the last verse but i never realized ONE WORD was different

GUESS I...
GUESS 

And of course I started tearing up
that one word

Guess

She's saying...because she kept loving him
where he was
who he was 
never changing who she was 
which was love in his life

that hell
that sin
that dislike we all have for ourselves
that hurt in him
can be gone
she kept using the same weapon
the same 
over and over and over
no matter the pain
no matter the disappointment
she kept going
kept using the most powerful gift we're all given
love.
and that pain he had
he was holding onto
was gone.
or he was changing because of it.

because of love.

we all are both people in this song
we both are the one that keeps doing the same thing over and over
hurting 
stumbling
refusing to change
struggling
stubborn pride

and then we're all the forgiver
we're all the one hurt
we're all the one disappointed
we're all the one that can show someone love
unconditional love
keep loving 
keep going

and expect it to work
expect it to win
expect that hell to go away
by love

how many times have I quit loving someone? 
if I'm being honest, how many times? 
a lot? 
probably
because they hurt me? I didn't understand them?
they didn't believe what I believed?
they were destructive to themselves? 
so I judged them? 
I quit loving them?
ahhhh but what if we kept going?
just kept loving
like it could win battles
if we kept going
it could defeat any hurt and pain? 

the beautiful thing is
love can beat it all
if we just keep going
if i just remember to keep going
and keep loving
anyone
despite how i feel sometimes
keep loving

ahh i just love it. 
love how one word
in a song that i've heard 100 times
can just spark something in me

love. 
how powerful it really is
it can change the world
it can heal
it can change us
it can do the impossible

Matthew 18:21-22

²¹ Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”

²² Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.^[a]

pure joy

it was 6 am and about 20 degrees out
we stood outside for over an hour
it felt like 10 years..
time was creeping by

i was moving my fingers
to make sure they weren't frozen in my pockets
when all of the sudden we heard something coming from afar
we heard a quiet chant
it kept getting louder
then we heard jogging
they were running our way
500 of them
running right at us
the sun has just begun to rise
so all we could see were the reflectors on their matching sweat suits
they had flags with their platoon numbers
but they were really hard to read
i begin desperately trying to see his flag
3098
i'm jumping up and down
looking for the numbers "98"

3096..noooooo
31 something..nooooo

and there it was ...

3098

i knew he was in the second row
furthest on the left
1....2....scanning over to the left
and there he was...there was the frail nose
and i couldn't help but scream...uncontrollably

"FRAIL!!!!"

and there it was ..that grin
the grin he's always had
one smile and everything was ok
better than ok
my heart felt pure joy
raw emotion and love
instantly

3 months of missing
3 long months of waiting
all worth it to see that smile

as quickly as they came they were gone
but that was ok..i knew they were coming back

about 20 minutes later they ran by again
1st platoon runs by ..
2nd platoon runs by...

then the 3rd...3098...
my eyes count....to row 2..
there he is....
he's ok. he's better then ok..he's right in front of us.

my family couldn't even control ourselves
it was like we were 15-yr-olds at a justin beiber concert
"FRAILLLLLL FRAIL WE LOVE YOU!!!"
and with his drill instructor right there.
his platoon surrounding him...
we saw a little grin.

there was zach frail.
grinning.

i moved my eyes off of him for a second
and saw the guys behind him smiling too..
everyone heard us..
and we didn't care.
that was my brother
and he was ok...he was right there.

a few hours after the jog
the longest two hours EVER
their instructor gave a talk
i have no idea what he said
i was just waiting for him to finish
and then they open the big garage doors of the arena
and they walk in..
the graduates
i hear their instructor say "we're going to give you your Christmas present early."
He says a few more things
i don't remember what he said to be honest
i was literally about to black out
ha i kept reminding myself to breathe and not to lock my knees
haha no joke...

i see them begin to remove the red stanchions between us and them....
between my family and my brother
and we all just started running
i have no idea what came over me.. 
we dug through a whole platoon of men
and there he was.
i can't even explain what my heart felt!!
one big hug (he smelled like aqua velva)
and it was ok

he was there...
right there.
and i was so thankful

we spent the rest of the week
spending time with him
watching him march in his graduation
getting to eat his first meal off base
boarding a plane so he could go home and see his friends
and just hearing some amazing stories of what his life was like
what his life will be like
who he's grown into in 3 short months.

i pray i never forget those moments
of pure joy
joy where i couldn't keep my feet on the ground
i couldn't stop jumping
i couldn't stop smiling
i couldn't stop crying
just so happy to  see him
so happy to see him smile
that same smile...but he was different
seeing him grown up into a wonderful man
i recognized his boyish smile but  he was a grown up
and just smiling
just so happy to see him

i can't explain what my heart felt this past week
it was some of the purest joy i've ever felt
uncontrollable

i have a lot of joy in my life
but this was the closest to pure joy i think i've ever felt
and this was just a GLIMPSE of  God's joy

i was just standing there at one point in awe of God
i wouldn't have planned the part where we couldn't talk
for 3 months
i wouldn't have planned the waiting
the patience part
i wouldn't have picked his career
it wasn't safe enough for me
in fact it's dangerous
i wouldn't have done a lot of the things God did

and it just hit me this week
i would have missed that moment
of pure joy
of feeling that absolute love for my brother
if God would have let me plan it

i know this is just the beginning of a new road in his life
in all our lives
but thank you Lord for letting me see
how something i would be too scared to ever pick
ever love
a path that seemed too scary and hard one year ago
could just be such joy in my life today
i would have missed it all
if you let me plan it

thank you
thank you for planning life better than me

and  if you know Zach
ask him to tell you some stories
especially the "you already know....." story
and make sure he does it in "the voice"
you're fun God
really fun