when i was a kid

i can't plan anything
my life never has a schedule
i put a few key dates on a calendar
my niece and nephew's birthday parties
the weddings of two of my best friends
beach trips
and then the rest is up i the air
my family and friends know this
they THANKFULLY love me anyways

lately i've been feeling sad about missing things.
younglife
dinner nights.
kickboxing
just seeing faces of the ones i love.
feeling guilty and sad that i can't plan it better.
that work or something always gets in the way.

then i realize life isn't in the way.
that is LIVING life.
i'm really living my life.
sometimes i feel so busy
that i barely ever stop.
but that's not doing too much.
that's just living my life.

when i was growing up
i never had a plan of who i was going to be
i was never the kid that said
"when i grow up I will be ______"
I never knew
never cared what i would be.
i knew one thing
i knew i wouldnt just sit around
i wouldnt just watch life
i didn't know how i would do this
but i knew that i was going to live it.

i didn't know where i was going to live
when i grew up
i just knew lima/waynesfield would always be home
i didn't know how far i'd be from my family
but i knew that i would always be close
i just knew i was going to go wherever i felt called.
that i would follow my heart there.
and not be scared.
that's what i thought when i was a kid

i had no idea what type of guy i would marry
haha obviously still don't
no idea if he'd be tall or short
honestly i have never had a "type"
i only knew that he would love God
knew that he would love people family and friends with all he had
no idea where he would be from.
but knew we would work hard
laugh hard.
at the future together.
i believed in romance
when i was a kid.

i knew i'd always have the best friends in the world.
i didn't know who they would be.
or who they would look like.
but i knew one thing
that they would love me for me
because i loved me for me.
i knew we'd laugh wherever we were.
and we would always have fun and never grow up.
that's what i thought
when i was a kid

my life is total chaos.
i don't sleep.
i'm never in the same town
and i never really even sit down
and im tired of seeing this as a flaw
im done feeling guilty
i'm living my life
just like i had hoped as a kid

i try hard to live my life
and i think
if 10-year-old lindsay
could see 27-year-old lindsay

she would be so happy.

bc i love with EVERYTHING
and sometimes i miss things
but i think i'm good at not making excuses
so if i miss something it doesn't mean i failed
it means i am just living life

and when my hair is in a pony tail
i feel like the same 7-yr-old tomboy
that would come home dirty
with all sorts of bruises
but i always had fun stories to tell mom and dad

and life is still giving me bruises
but it still hands me some amazing random and funny stories.
and i still always laugh
all the time.

so maybe my life is totally nuts
but i guess a better way to look at it is
this is the life
i wanted as a kid
a life lived and not watched
a life that when im in the retirement home
with the girls
helping mandy find her teeth that she keeps losing
we'll sit and talk about how great it all was.

i will look back and not have a single regret
i won't remember the one dinner i missed
because i will remember all the ones i worked really hard to get to
and all the tears and heart i put into life
the life i could only could have dreamed of
when i was as kid.

and side note

if you think my hair is a mess now.

haha you should have seen it then.

holy nasty tangles.

baha no seriously.

loves.