honest

sometimes
i feel like i'm running
in the wrong direction

like everyone else is going the correct way.
go right for 10 years
then make a left for 30 years
then make another right turn in 10 years

and then there is me
i'm going to go zig zag for 1.5 years
then spin around in circles on my head for 2.3 years
then maybe take the fork in the road
oh crap...
i went the wrong way down the fork in the road for 2.6 years
now back to the other side of the fork in the road for 5 years
then drive for 3 years going the wrong way on a one way road

laughing the whole way.

but sometimes
it just hits me
where am i?
who am i?
and am i the absolute only person on this road.

today was one of those days.
i'm being honest.
it's my blog
i can do what i want.

i just hit a wall
like crap.
i love my friends.
love my family.

but dog gone it.
where am i?
and sometimes i stop and i feel alone.
rarely do i feel alone.
haha you're laughing because I always have 1000349039 people around

i'm blessed you're all blessings.

but sometimes if i stop.
i'm alone.
and i will cry.
today was that day.

i just kept having to run to the bathroom.
to cry.
haha i'm sure my boss thought
"this girl is a mental."

and the thing is
there is nothing
anyone say that will make it ok
sorry friends i know you try
but there is nothing.

it has to be me and God.
He made me this way.
so I need Him to answer.

why am i running down a one way road
the wrong way.
then i remember
as a christian
sometimes
or most of the time
i'm going up stream

constantly
UPSTREAM
fighting the whole way
fighting what i know
what i hear God telling me
and what the world says
and sometimes it hurts
sometimes it just plain pisses me off.

i feel that in my car
i'm the closest with God.
me and Him.
singing
talking.
the 6 hr drive from Ohio to Nashville.
everytime we talk.
i hear him show me
in clarity i feel no where else.
then i get out of that car sometimes
and forget the feeling
the assurance
i ask the world for advice
and it tells me what it thinks

then i get confused
i go against my gut
i get lost
i look around
instead of staying focused
i let the world influence me

i feel wrong
when i ask God to show me the way
then i forget to stay strong
and i just get confused

but alas
God always finds me
picks me up
usually in music.
like this song
reminding me
he always comes to pick me up.
no matter how confused or lost i feel
today will not end on a sad note
i still may end up being confused
but i will not be lost

because He is always with us
and He is never lost.

so even though
sometimes i feel alone
riding a bike on a trail
with a sign saying "no bikes allowed"
i will keep going.
i will stay focused
and i will follow my gut
because my heart is my gut
and the world is just outside noise

noise that is louder sometimes
but wrong most of the time.

and then this dave barnes song came on my pandora
another small way God shows me Grace.

there's a mountain
here before me
i'm going to climb it
with strength not my own