her name is Dee.

Sooooo I got a new number
i've never had a new number
so i texted my friends
emailed them
put a notice out on Facebook
i thought that was enough

but apparently some of you didn't get the memo
and well....
apparently
now when you get a new number
they recylce it
and give it to someone else.
haha i found out quickly that my old number
went to a woman

a woman by the name of Dee.

It started with Katelyn.

Shes my WindyGap homie

She text me to tell me that she just had the most awkward moments ever

she texted my old number and this woman told her 

that it wasn't Lindsay... and that her name was Dee

Sooo Katelyn being Katelyn text her back:

"soo awkward..." 

and then immediately texted me to tell me

hahahahah 

so we're retelling the story at dinner a few days later 

and my friend Brittany almost jumps out of her seat!

"Oh my gosh I talked to her this week! There was a group text for Biblestudy and someone put your old number on there...and Dee kept asking to get taken off the group message but people didn't catch on that it wasn't you.." haha 

hahaha at this point I'm loving this. 

This poor woman.

although I imagined she's laughing at it all
at how awkward me and my friends are

So I go to work that week...

and my coworker calls me at my standing desk:

"Hi Lindsay, sorry I missed the call, I called your old cell number by mistake, it's not changed on the contact list. Oh by the way, the woman who has your number wanted me to tell you to tell your friends about your new number. Oh and that you still get a lot of picture messages from people!" 

hahahahahahahahahah hahah 

at this point, 3 people in 1 week have spoken to Dee

So then I start wondering 

"how many of my friends have spoken to Dee and never told me?"

so what is the natural thing for me to do?

text her myself of course! haha 

it was a bit weird texting my old number 

it was like texting lindsay from the past

anywho i send her a text

"Hi Dee..my name is lindsay. and apparently you have my old number. I am sorry that you keep getting text and calls from my friends, but they're really awesome people so if you want to talk to them feel free. They're some of the funniest people you'll ever meet, so I hope you enjoy it some."

and you know what?

she responded!! 

We ended up textin for about 30 minutes.

She then told me I got about 8 Christmas text
and a lot of new years text

and said i got some photos from friends at Christmas

and that she felt very loved

And we ended on this text:

Dee: Oh and you were supposed to pick someone up from the airport last weekend

Me: Oh no? Really? Well....Did you go get them Dee?

Dee: I thought about, my kids told me to tell them you were coming to get them, but I didn't!" 

haha Dee is funny! 

And I'm thankful I got to talk to her

Since then several of my friends have texted her

my cousin Austin

whom I have talked to from my new number

was texting her..something about Easy E at grandmas house?

hah

and then a friend from the class of 2012 texted Dee
btw..miss you ross

anyways...I got this tweet from Ross

hahahaha ohhh Dee...

thank you for laughing with us...

thank you for being apart of my story

even if you didn't want to at all

I hope you enjoy it some

so if you get bored, text my old number

her name is Dee

Tell her hi

she's cool.

H-E- Double Hockey Sticks

haha when I was a kid
that's how I said hell
"H-E-Double Hockey Sticks"
ha I thought every kid said it that way
then once I got to college I realized I was about the only one
that said it that way.
ha whatever
that's still how i say it

anyways
there are these wonderful, sweet, dear, kind, loving musicians
named Joey + Rory that have this song 
i loved this song since the first time i heard it
i remember it clearly
we were sitting in a hallway
waiting to rehearse 
and they just started singing it
and i just fell in love

it's called 
"Loved the Hell" 
and it's beautiful
a beautiful song about love.

it opened my eyes to a real love
a persistent love
a love that doesn't stop

true love
loving someone 
even if they hurt you
even if they don't understand you
even if you don't understand them
loving them when they let you down
loving
just pure love

here are the lyrics to the first two verses 

A hundred times my Mama told me
That boy's trouble with a capital T
You'll never change him, I know his kind
But I didn't pay her any mind

Cuz, I...I...I..I just loved the hell outta him
Yeah, I...I...I…I just loved the hell outta him

He used to go out on the town
Close every single beer joint down
But I never asked him where he'd been
When he'd come draggin' in...

Cuz, I...I...I..I just loved the hell outta him
Yeah, I...I...I..I just loved the hell outta him

just love this song

so this morning i was riding into work
and this song came on my shuffle
and i just turned it up and started singing
and i sing all the time to every song
it's rather annoying to passengers sometimes
i just can't help myself
haha any who


for whatever reason i stopped singing in the middle of this song
and i heard the lyrics
heard one word
in the last verse
i had never heard before.

He swore the one thing he'd never do
Is sit here beside me in this pew
So I just smiled and said amen
This mornin' when he walked in...

'Guess, I...I...I…I just loved the hell outta him
Yeah, I...I...I…I just loved the hell outta him

i've always loved the last verse but i never realized ONE WORD was different

GUESS I...
GUESS 

And of course I started tearing up
that one word

Guess

She's saying...because she kept loving him
where he was
who he was 
never changing who she was 
which was love in his life

that hell
that sin
that dislike we all have for ourselves
that hurt in him
can be gone
she kept using the same weapon
the same 
over and over and over
no matter the pain
no matter the disappointment
she kept going
kept using the most powerful gift we're all given
love.
and that pain he had
he was holding onto
was gone.
or he was changing because of it.

because of love.

we all are both people in this song
we both are the one that keeps doing the same thing over and over
hurting 
stumbling
refusing to change
struggling
stubborn pride

and then we're all the forgiver
we're all the one hurt
we're all the one disappointed
we're all the one that can show someone love
unconditional love
keep loving 
keep going

and expect it to work
expect it to win
expect that hell to go away
by love

how many times have I quit loving someone? 
if I'm being honest, how many times? 
a lot? 
probably
because they hurt me? I didn't understand them?
they didn't believe what I believed?
they were destructive to themselves? 
so I judged them? 
I quit loving them?
ahhhh but what if we kept going?
just kept loving
like it could win battles
if we kept going
it could defeat any hurt and pain? 

the beautiful thing is
love can beat it all
if we just keep going
if i just remember to keep going
and keep loving
anyone
despite how i feel sometimes
keep loving

ahh i just love it. 
love how one word
in a song that i've heard 100 times
can just spark something in me

love. 
how powerful it really is
it can change the world
it can heal
it can change us
it can do the impossible

Matthew 18:21-22

²¹ Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”

²² Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.^[a]

pure joy

it was 6 am and about 20 degrees out
we stood outside for over an hour
it felt like 10 years..
time was creeping by

i was moving my fingers
to make sure they weren't frozen in my pockets
when all of the sudden we heard something coming from afar
we heard a quiet chant
it kept getting louder
then we heard jogging
they were running our way
500 of them
running right at us
the sun has just begun to rise
so all we could see were the reflectors on their matching sweat suits
they had flags with their platoon numbers
but they were really hard to read
i begin desperately trying to see his flag
3098
i'm jumping up and down
looking for the numbers "98"

3096..noooooo
31 something..nooooo

and there it was ...

3098

i knew he was in the second row
furthest on the left
1....2....scanning over to the left
and there he was...there was the frail nose
and i couldn't help but scream...uncontrollably

"FRAIL!!!!"

and there it was ..that grin
the grin he's always had
one smile and everything was ok
better than ok
my heart felt pure joy
raw emotion and love
instantly

3 months of missing
3 long months of waiting
all worth it to see that smile

as quickly as they came they were gone
but that was ok..i knew they were coming back

about 20 minutes later they ran by again
1st platoon runs by ..
2nd platoon runs by...

then the 3rd...3098...
my eyes count....to row 2..
there he is....
he's ok. he's better then ok..he's right in front of us.

my family couldn't even control ourselves
it was like we were 15-yr-olds at a justin beiber concert
"FRAILLLLLL FRAIL WE LOVE YOU!!!"
and with his drill instructor right there.
his platoon surrounding him...
we saw a little grin.

there was zach frail.
grinning.

i moved my eyes off of him for a second
and saw the guys behind him smiling too..
everyone heard us..
and we didn't care.
that was my brother
and he was ok...he was right there.

a few hours after the jog
the longest two hours EVER
their instructor gave a talk
i have no idea what he said
i was just waiting for him to finish
and then they open the big garage doors of the arena
and they walk in..
the graduates
i hear their instructor say "we're going to give you your Christmas present early."
He says a few more things
i don't remember what he said to be honest
i was literally about to black out
ha i kept reminding myself to breathe and not to lock my knees
haha no joke...

i see them begin to remove the red stanchions between us and them....
between my family and my brother
and we all just started running
i have no idea what came over me.. 
we dug through a whole platoon of men
and there he was.
i can't even explain what my heart felt!!
one big hug (he smelled like aqua velva)
and it was ok

he was there...
right there.
and i was so thankful

we spent the rest of the week
spending time with him
watching him march in his graduation
getting to eat his first meal off base
boarding a plane so he could go home and see his friends
and just hearing some amazing stories of what his life was like
what his life will be like
who he's grown into in 3 short months.

i pray i never forget those moments
of pure joy
joy where i couldn't keep my feet on the ground
i couldn't stop jumping
i couldn't stop smiling
i couldn't stop crying
just so happy to  see him
so happy to see him smile
that same smile...but he was different
seeing him grown up into a wonderful man
i recognized his boyish smile but  he was a grown up
and just smiling
just so happy to see him

i can't explain what my heart felt this past week
it was some of the purest joy i've ever felt
uncontrollable

i have a lot of joy in my life
but this was the closest to pure joy i think i've ever felt
and this was just a GLIMPSE of  God's joy

i was just standing there at one point in awe of God
i wouldn't have planned the part where we couldn't talk
for 3 months
i wouldn't have planned the waiting
the patience part
i wouldn't have picked his career
it wasn't safe enough for me
in fact it's dangerous
i wouldn't have done a lot of the things God did

and it just hit me this week
i would have missed that moment
of pure joy
of feeling that absolute love for my brother
if God would have let me plan it

i know this is just the beginning of a new road in his life
in all our lives
but thank you Lord for letting me see
how something i would be too scared to ever pick
ever love
a path that seemed too scary and hard one year ago
could just be such joy in my life today
i would have missed it all
if you let me plan it

thank you
thank you for planning life better than me

and  if you know Zach
ask him to tell you some stories
especially the "you already know....." story
and make sure he does it in "the voice"
you're fun God
really fun

Beloved

I’M ON MY WAY TO ITALY

SITTING IN AN AIRPORT

JUST THINKING.

Praying.

Reading

Listening to music.

Talking with God.

Perfect time to blog :)

I love to write

Write blogs

Write in my journal

Write love songs

And I love to share

Feelings are fun..we all have them

I’m not scrrd to show them

So I’ve loved some pretty romantic things in my life

I love looking for romance and anticipating it.

I believe God gives us romance to ignite the soul

Bring us together

To soften our hardened hearts

For men and women, romance is used to unite us and show us all God

I’ve always been a sap. 

I mean I listened to John Mayer exclusively for about a year in college.

I cry at every sappy song, commercial and movie. True story.

I see the sunrise as God’s way of saying “Good morning my lovely linds!”

When I see men carrying flowers I tear up. They look so joyful, so strong, they're a hero.

And if you hold my hand, well you hold my heart.

There are so many times in my life I’ve been open to romance.

My junior year we lived in “the sumner house”.

Gosh that house got broken into 3 times.

One time super scary, ugh thank you God for protecting us.

But anyways I loved that house, it’s true

I loved my window.

It over looked the main street and I’ll be honest

I picked that house because I could image a guy throwing rocks at my bedroom window.

It’s true.

I expected a guy to throw a rock at it and wake me up just to say hello.

I used to listen to the radio, just wanting to hear my name.

Hoping someone would dedicate a song to me

When someone shows up with flowers at work

I always think they’re for me from a handsome fella

You know those airplanes at the beach that drag those signs behind them?

They say "marry me sally"

or "4 subs for $5.00"

I always look for my name "love you lindsay!"

when I get the mail

i look for a random love letter

When someone knocks on my door at my house

I am always hoping it's a man in a suit and a bowtie

Wanting to surprise me and take me out dancing

in a parking lot.

anywhere. him and me.

All night.

These are not sad things

that haven't happened yet.

they're hope in romance.

My heart is not broken because they haven’t come true yet

I truly believe God made my heart like this

Because this is what He wants for me

Surprises. Romance. Me Being Vulnerable.

Expecting nothing less than a bold, romantic manly man.

Now over the years I imagine them happening.

But to actually believe they’ll show up?

To actually believe they'll happen?

I felt myself wondering.

Do I really believe in them anymore?

And that’s where I am.

That’s where a lot of us are.

We speak of God’s glory and Hope and Grace

But do we believe it.

We believe it for others

but do we believe it for ourselves?

Or has the world beat us down a bit?

Has the world made us dull?

Boring? Lazy? 

Scared.

Do I really believe I'm worth it? Or have I let the world fool me into thinking 

I'm not worth it.

Have I forgotten I’m His Beloved?

That He’s not a boring God

He’s not a settling God

HE’S AMAZING AND BRILLIANT.

Do I really believe it? Do I still believe in Romance? Do you Still believe in Romance?

Not that He MIGHT bring you someone

Not that He will bring you someone that you think is “Alright”

Not someone just so you're not alone.

But that He’ll bring you someone that makes your stomach flip constantly.

Will always make it flip.

Someone that makes you want to run around the house screaming because they’re so stinking cute

Someone that you think of and smile. They always make you smile.

Someone you think of while you're getting ready

Wondering if they’ll like your outfit

That person that makes you smile and you don’t know why

That person that you are just pure joy around 

That person that words are said with out words being spoken

That kind of relationship you’ve always heard of but never seen up close.

That person that …if they’re near you, it feels right. You feel stronger.

That person that is just easy when you’re near, and a bit “somethings missing” when they’re not around

That person exist

You are this person to someone else. you are.

Because that’s how God sees you

His beloved

He sees me like that

So why would we settle for anything less than someone that has the image of God.

No they won’t be perfect.

And you’ll have to fight off some big fears to get there because

Of course the devil hates when the union is formed

But …ahhhhh believe you’re beloved

It’s not going to be “ehhh it’s ok”

It’s going to be outrageous

You'll find yourself driving in your car in the middle of the night

Because you have to see them

Have to tell them hi

Just to see their face

So I’m going to document it.

Film it.

Not just for me.

But for all of us.

To expose lies us lovely ladies have been believing and

Get our hearts back to where God wants them

To believe in Romance

To let yourself be someones beauty.

Believe you're God's beauty.

The crown of creation.

And to free the handsome Men

And let them be bold and strong in Him

In romance

To say "Go ahead, fight hard, go get her!"

Fight for her.

The devil doesn’t want us all to walk together

But dag gone it

Guess what …

God already won

He’ll keep winning.

He promises

So this documentary will be about being chosen

About being beloved

About expecting nothing but the most romantic things in your life.

I'm sure I'll tie music in it somehow

If you're one of my friends, I'm sure I'll include you in it somehow.

But it's about love. God tells us to love.

That means ourselves. Means believe it. Truly have hope in it.

If we can't have hope in beautiful crazy love, do we really have Hope in Him?

That's where God lives.
In the unexplainable.
In the out of our mind crazy moments
in the "too good to be true" moments.
All we have to do is choose to believe and then go.
Do you believe God, a God of relationships would forget you?
Or worse? Give you one that is"Ehhh it's ok, he's ok."
heck no.
Heck no.
He wants to see you jump and sing and for the men to chase that girl of their dreams
and that girl to spin and dance and sing and be lovely and be beautiful.
He wants us to shine.
he's God...come on..
ahhhhhhh I love how He can ignite my soul so much!

Yay for documentaries

Yay for the adventure God has called us all on

Yay for God making me outside of the box like Him!

Who wants to go with me on this journey of life?

Only the brave and wild need apply :)

why i run

i went for a really long jog this morning
shelby bottoms is just so gorgeous
and i just couldn't help but think
of how running started for me
when i first started running

3 years ago my friends and i ran our first 1/2 marathon
we trained with TNT
i was NOT a runner
i loved to play sports
all the time anytime
a tad too competitive at times
ahhhaha flag.football.
but running, nah...
not a runner
people fit into two categories
runners vs. non runners

(haha when in life can you ever put people in two groups?)

anywho.
i was a non
but we were all going to train for TNT
train to be as strong as lauraine
train to be runners
or at least train enough to pretend to be runners

needless to say that first 1/2 was amazing
words can't describe it
it was soooo hard
physically and mentally hard
but running with my closest friends
training for months
singing the rocky theme song everyday to inspire us
and to cross the line...
i think every single one of us cried
it didn't matter what our finish time was
or how many times we had to stop
or who came in first
we did it
we crossed the finish line
the mental line of
"no way, too hard" to
"i just did it!"

i thought that would be my first and last 1/2 marathon.
but for some reason i just keep running
it's still a huge challenge for me to run
so i keep doing it.
i would have thought it would have gotten easier
but no
it's still a mental challenge
of left foot..right foot..left foot...right foot...13.1 miles done.

i love running before the sun rises
in the dark
it feels like only God and I are awake
and that one crazy dog that sometimes chases me
and makes me scream in terror EVERY time

haha anywho..
i feel like no one can touch that time
in the dark..running.
i've grown to love to run
to love those morning runs

i run because everyday i have a million excuses
why i don't want to run
why i don't have time
why i don't feel like it
so i run in spite of those
in the face of those excuses
running challenges me daily.

so i run.

today as i'm running
i'm thinking of how similar life is
to running for me
especially my life right now

it's left foot..right foot..left foot...
and sometimes i run fast
sometimes i run with my best friends by my side
sometimes i have to run at a different pace than normal so i can run with a friend
sometimes i have to run alone...

sometimes i'm literally barely making it up the hill
practically crawling up these TN hills
sometimes i'm running..palms open..down a hill
with the wind in my hair
sometimes i trip and fall flat on my face..and break my phone
ha yeah that happened
sometimes i choose not to run
sometimes He tells me to walk instead of run..
to slow down.

but every run i go on
God is always by my side
and it's always a choice
a choice to run..or to say no not today
but i get to make the choice
to move my feet

and sometimes i don't want to
but i run because every step i take
makes me stronger
makes me lean into God more and more
to need his strength to be who He wants me to be
to need him to move my feet



2 Timothy 1:7 For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.

He loved us first.

you've heard it
i've heard it
love like God loves us
love like God
He loved us first
to show us the way
to teach us how to love

i was thinking this morning
as i was drinking out of my little pig mug
(thank you ethal)

and i was thinking...

what if God loved like i love?
loved like we love here on earth?
very little at times
mediocre a lot of times?

sure we like a lot of people
but love
truly love
FEARLESS LOVE
love is fearless
bold love
loving the unloveable
the kind of love that makes everyone look at you and go:

"wow they're acting crazy right now! I want what they have!" kind of love

then i started thinking
what it would be like
if God didn't love first
if His love looked like our love
if He loved the way we loved

What if He.....
Loved only when He felt like loving us
Loved only if He had evidence that we would love Him back
Loved only when He wanted too
Loved only when we weren't being annoying :)
Loved only when the timing was right
Loved only the ones that were easy to love
Loved only when He found the patience to love
Loved only those who believed in Him
Loved only when He knew the outcome
Loved only those that earned His love

What if He loved like we do sometimes?
Like I do sometimes?

ahhhh i hope that makes you just
want to jump up and try and hug him
or fall to your knees
rejoice
that He loved first
that He loves us in a way we can't even grasp
He doesn't love like we love
He loves better

Thank you Lord for loving us so well
for loving us more than we'll ever be able to understand
for showing

"You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this : While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:6-8

for the men i love

this one is kind of hard to write
but i need to be honest
to the men in my life
whether you've known it or not
you're a huge impact in my life

if you're a man in my life
whether you're family
or someone i call friend
it means i love you
truly.
i love you.
it means God had it planned
before i was born.
that you and i would walk some of this life
or the rest of my life
together

and i will speak from my heart here
from me to you
a man i love

i want you to help me
help me to be the woman in proverbs 31
you are not my God.
nope.
i don't expect you to be God to me.
you're off the hook on that one.
you're a sinner like me
a great sinner.

but there was a reason Adam was a man
and Eve was a woman
God made us brilliantly different
and even though sometimes
i'm way too prideful to say it

i need you

all of us women need you
we need the men in our lives
to be Godly men
truly
i need you to be a Godly man.

and it's truly a battle with the devil
in my heart
guarding my heart daily.
i have wars in my head
even though i hear God tell me one thing
the world tells me another
and before i even get to the front door
sometimes i forget what God has said to me

so you can imagine how hard it is to believe in love
and romance
every moment i let God talk into my life
he reminds me of romance and love
He tries to tell me beautiful secrets of His plans for me
of romance and outrageous ridiculous love and hope
and I'll rejoice

but then i go out into the world and get beat up a bit
now i'm not helpless at all
God has very much given me weapons
scriptures
to fight it off

but men....
please know
i'm looking to you too
God put you in my life
and i know you're not perfect
and i know you want to do what you want to do sometimes
or just accept that we're all just sinners
but know
who you are is not just you

i'm watching
all us ladies are watching you
we're wanting to be led.
PURSUED
someone to walk with God
with us

i know you pray to be bold men
i know your hearts are there
but once you pray
believes He's heard
and faith does take action
so move
act
be Bold
please.

I think all the men i love..
should read "captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge
it's about woman's heart
and how God made our hearts
for Him
and to be romanced
which takes a Godly man

anywho...

we're not helpless with out you
we are complete in Him
but He did make you first
so we're watching
just hoping for some help to choose God over fear
you can either help guide us to God
or lead us astray
very rarely is it not one of those.

men in my life
please listen to Him
your call

tell the woman in your life
doesn't have to be me
your wife
your sister
your gal pal
your mother

she's adored
she's missed
your favorite thing about her
surprise her
show her romance
i know i know
ewww romance
but God's heart to a woman is romance
and wimpy men don't show that
passive men
be a man of God

i know you fear rejection
but pride is the fall of man
Jesus was humble
and loved boldly
you were made that way

i guess i've never thought to tell you
that if you're a man in my life
that you can do it.
i know you think you can't
but you can
God made you to be the man
to love us women strongly
to walk like Christ
the devil wants you to think you can't
you're not enough
but you ARE

you are strong enough in Him
You can do all things through Christ
but you have to try
keep going
the best version of you
exist when you are walking closest with Him

God will be there no matter what
but don't settle for what other men are doing
what other men are settling to be because it looks easier
passive
scared
selfish
please please please
i beg you
men in my life
please step up to the call of God
please
lead when you're called to lead us
lead me

sing 
dance 
shine
be foolish
be bold 
for Him
i know you think you're not ready
but God made you born ready
to be Christ like men
you just have to accept

because the women in your life
are trusting you
i am trusting you

Exodus 15:2 "The LORD is my strength and my song, He has become my salvation. He is my God and I will praise Him, my fathers God, and I will exalt Him."