thanks to the Tennesses titans

 it's not a shock that covid drained us all

it was a hard season

still is hard at times 

but it shook me to my core 

I felt like I couldn't breathe 

things I loved

a job I loved 

people I loved

just hidden

taken away

maybe miles away but might have well as been light years away

the distance was isolating

there is a reason they isolate prisoners

actually I don't know the reason

it's cruel

it's mean

and it teaches you a lot 

anyways im thankful for the roommates I had when it started

very thankful

they were light

but covid showed me a lot about myself

when you strip everything away

you realize what you really need

yes what I really needed was the Tennessee Titans 

haha jk jk 

well kind of 

but I realized when it all was taken away

I needed the Lord so much

needed to wrestle

and talk and hear and lean

LEAN into him

it wasn't pretty

yet it was close

and as I slowly got my breathe back

like most of us

I found myself needed people who could handle the light and the dark

no one else

and found myself looking for small small ways to laugh again

I have a friend

and she has a friend

that works for the titans 

and so we started going

we weren't fans

we just liked to be together so sometimes we'd spend 1/2 the game in our car giggling

and crying

and sometimes we would barely look at the field

but one game at a time we went

then slowly but surely

we'd watch a little more of the game 

watched this guy they called king henry run the ball

we enjoyed that

and before we know it

3. seasons...4 seasons later 

we're enjoying the games

not just enjoying

some would call us fanatics now.

we have pom poms and we have made the jumbotron

anyways the point is 

I dind't need the titans necessarily

but I needed fun

I needed to think of anything else but my situation

all I lost 

I just needed for 3 hrs, 17 times a year, I needed to just think of something else besides COVID and my life

and that's what the Titans did

we cheered we laughed we acted like fools 

we had fun like the other fans

like the kids

I think what i've learned from loving sports again 

is we need fun

the order we get we need something that isn't us driving life

pushing for more money

pushing to stay as fit as we were in our 20's

pushing to save for retirement

pushing for less wrinkles ;) 

we need something else

we need fun

we need laughter 

God made me that way

to handle life

I have ZERO doubt in my mind it's a gift

to notice the smallest things and laugh

to enjoy weird random things

I just forgot for a bit

which is ok we cna't laugh and have fun all the time

but the point is to find things that bring you joy

that can't be perfect can only be fun

I can't control if the titans win

(although call me Amy Adams and we can talk about me coming to work there and seeing what I can do as your new employee haha ok ok I'd make a lowsy GM but i'd make a great events and operations director, just saying) 

anyways back to the titans...

I can't control how good they are

who gets injured

if they win

if Derrick becomes my friend 

that's what I love about sports actually.... you can buy the best team

have the best coach in the league (which we do)

and it's all up in the air, the worst team can beat the best team

someone can have the best play of their life

someone can make their worst play

the point is...you go all in..pick a team...and GO BIG cheering them on

lose yourself

wear the dumbest costume 

paint your face and your car

SCREAM LIKE THEY CAN HEAR YOU FROM THE 300 LEVEL

whatever it taeks to feel like a kid

and have some fun

and when they lose you can cry or be mad

but it's not that big of deal in your life comparative to the rest of your life

so there is a freedom to it

anyways im so thankful for the titans over these past three years

I have my pom poms laid out for the cowboys game tomorrow.

read that again.

I have my pom poms laid out

HAHAHAHAH 

that's fun.

find something that makes you want to go stand out in two degree weather 

that makes you act a fool to get on a massive tv

find something that makes you take yourself and life a little bit less seriously

thanks titans for doing that for me

for reminding me to let go a little bit

to have a little bit of fun as I get older

fun isn't just for the youth

it's for all of us

I love that you brought that to me again titans

I really do

my heart is a little lighter

and my laugh is a little louder

#TitanUp

when your pipes freeze....

i'm from Ohio

I should know better 

but I had a migraine was in and out of sleep

I wasn't thinking

that when they said below freezing temps were going to hit nashville 

I wasn't thinking like an ohio-ian

everyone from the north knows to let the faucets drip

I just didn't

and the pipes froze

so we took care of it, set the house up to hopefully let them thaw when it gets warmer

but until then

I need a shower

I immidiately call my newly married friends who live very close and ask if I can borrow a shower and 

with out hesitation they not only say yes but come pick me up.

they have everything laying out, lotion, shampoo, they're like a very nice bed and breakfast

I not only got a shower but just sweet friend time with them

and warm cookies

they dropped me off back home nice and clean and 

an invitation if I don't go home to Ohio that i can spend it with them

that's the other thing about freezing weather in nashville

it isn't just in nashville

the midwest got hit hard

including my home state of Ohio

the roads are a WRECK

i'm usually pretty "it'll be fine" when It comes to making the 6 hr drive" 

but there was something about the high winds, tons of accidents and the "salt isn't working in below zero weather" that made me decide not to drive home to Ohio tonight, on Christmas eve

not only does this make me very sad

the thought of not getting to wake up with my mom and drink coffee and watch a Christmas movie

before anyone else wakes up

but also makes me sad because I still don't have water.

so i can't just "stay home" 

i need to think of whose home can i invade to at least shower and go the bathroom

and you know what? 

the whole reason i'm writing this.

when i think of "who will let me crash their Christmas" 

the list is long

i really mean it

I Immediately thought of so many friends that stay here for the holidays or have family here

 and thought "they wouldn't mind, they wouldn't care!" 

I could immediately see myself in pj's hanging with them and their family

I just started tearing up

right now as I write this

wow

what a gift

a list of dear dear friends that would actually be mad if they found out

that i didn't go home and didn't have water and just sat in my house

mad. some would get mad and call me stubborn

anyways the point isn't how mad my friends can get

the ponit is i'm very loved

and I most likely will make it home on Christmas day

and all will be fine

but the thought of the family i've made here

such deep relationships

that wouldn't care if I spent Christmas with them

even if they have kids that will be opening presents

or even if they're at their parents house and let me come too

or even if it's their first Christmas married together and i'll third wheel it

it's overwhelming how life goes

when I moved to nashville all those years ago

I thought i'd find a job and have some fun

but never never did I imagine families that would be my family

just a sweet overwhelming feeling.

thanks to my friends

who would pick me up so I can shower

who would allow me to come sleep at their house anytime I needed 

who genuinely just love me

wow very thankful today. 

all because our pipes froze.

it's ok to let go of toxic

ok this is not my typical post

but im trying to write "less perfect" 

and just write more

the goal of these is to get closer to writing music again

so this is my thought for today

so it's not all tied up in a bow

where i see the best in all situations 

this is just about toxic relationships 

and how to let go

I know we've heard this over and over

but there is just something clicking in me

to finally start seeing toxic 

in the past i've seen a lot of things as my fault

I call myself "a learner" or a "forgiver" 

so I will learn from hard relationships

or give forgiveness to them when they're wrong

and YES all of those are important

i'm a believer in jesus and he is the ultimate forgiver

however I don't believe he gives us wisdom to keep staying in toxic 

maybe turning the other cheek is creating boundaries 

space so you can heal and pray and love from afar 

and not be in their path of harm and distruction

all these years as seeing everything as my fault

and mine to fix

I think i'm just having eyes to see toxic

and by NO MEANS am I perfect

we will be hurt by friends, relationships, jobs

but i'm talking about those who won't help themselves 

they don't want to heal

they blame you for everything

they harm you because they hurt 

they never apologize but rationalize their behavior

they make you feel smaller and dumb

instead of apologizing for. both making mistakes and messing up

then they smile and laugh and move on like nothing happend

that's what im talking about 

those who don't want to heal or don't know how

so they're taking you down with them

so today i'm seeing it

i'm done seeing it as my fault 

and i'm opening my eyes just a little.

i don't want to let anyone define who I am

I don't want to be around someone that pretends to listen but just interrupts and talks over you

I don't want to be apart of someone pretending to listen to someones ideas and dreams

then steamrolls the room to get their ideas pulled through

I don't want to be around humble braggers

I don't want to be about someone who constantly needs to be the star of the show and be the one 

to save the day and put others down

i don't want to be around someone who makes me feel dumb for thinking different then them

that i need to jump on their way or you're just in the wrong

I believe in loving people and seeing the good and know you don't know everyones story

however that doesn't mean you don't need to set boundaries

that doesn't mean you need to stay around them

I don't believe you need to "get them back" or "teach them the right way" 

I think we just need to see these traits in people

and if you're like me and believe you can forgive or fix it

maybe what you're supposed to do Is just walk away

put boundaries there 

look for some of these traits

you're not crazy

if someone is doing these things 

they might be manipulating 

no relationship

friendship

job

family member 

is worth that. I just need to say it.

for those out there that are in some toxic relationships

it's not you

and that person is a human and needs healing and love too

but that might not be your place

MOST of the time it's not your job to fix them

counselors

doctors 

it's their roles 

this Is me recognizing 

toxic relationships 

this isn't about one person- this is about a habit in people

maybe we all can be toxic at times

but none of us need to stay in it

it's ok to put a boundary up

we don't need to make them out to be this horrible person

but we don't need to put them in the center of our life either

boundaries

changing my thought process 

on who I am

who I want in my life

one day at a time 

a slow ache

the odd thing about today

is I was content with where I was 

with who was around me

I giggled 

I was content

working

eating 

living

grown content

thankful for a pattern

and that is good

it is good

a pattern is good

the people around me are good 

yet at the end of the day today

out of nowhere 

a few tears dropped

I was like "why are tears falling" and I just knew

this slow ache all day

this sense in my heart of something missing

there is more to live out

more to the story

and it's been a content season

but I feel it in my bones, and hear it in gentle whispers

be prepared to open my hands to something

I don't know what

but it's time

maybe comfort and routine was never going to be the life with me and God

for years i've aimed for just routine

and maybe that was never his plan

or maybe it was for a season

to rest during it

my heart stirs

or maybe it's ache? 

aching for so much more

something more fierce

more risky

there is this part of me

that knows I was never made for normal

I can't rest in "normal"

maybe none of us were meant to rest in it

but I know for sure I was not

I keep trying to be normal

but I just know the american dream

the do a+b+c= retirement on the beach isn't me 

isn't who he made me

I dont know where he has me going 

but I can't deny the path of risk

his path for me

because i'll never be able to sleep

never be able to settle into a place that isn't for me

I know part of that ache and stirring is heaven

i'm meant for heaven

and someday we'll all be there

but I don't think heaven on earth is me getting all the money

and all the success

I think it's going to be living out the adventure with the Lord

I think it's time to embrace my enneagram 7ness again

it's been so nice resting

so nice being in normal

it grew my soul in such pure ways

such strong ways

and it's time again

I have no idea what the next step with him is

but I will say yes-

to whatever

whomever it is

my heart is ready to beat fast again

im still here

i'm trying to write again

trying to find the words in my life 

hoping to sing again

writing helps me feel

helps me see, helps me wonder 

so im trying to write again.

I used to write about all the light I saw everywhere

in every little thing

which is an amazing outlook

seeing good in a woman you pass on the street

or the good in everything

the love I felt

the hope I felt for love 

I used to be able to sing about all kinds of things

but then everything got hard

everything got heavier

I got older haha 

it got harder 

and I didn't know what to do 

I didn't know what to do when I couldn't see good anymore 

so I just stopped writing

stopped singing

tried to stop feeling and just get through the days

because if you can't see positive and if you can't feel good and joy 

then you need to not feel at all right? 

so that's what I tried to do

get through day by day

and not feel

and I know we can't live on feelings 

but what I also wasn't doing when I was trying not to feel

was blocking healing

blocking growth

so slowly I let negative things in

and slowly started talking to the lord about them

giving them over to him

slowly started feeling again

and it wasn't pretty feelings 

but it was all I had 

and he took it and healed

and grew me in such lovely ways

and there was a small group of friends surrounding me

to hold my hand and lead me towards him

***** side tangent for a moment

i've always loved a lot of people

and felt loved by many

made friends quickly and felt deeply for them quickly

but I will say... when ugly comes out

only a few can really handle that

when you're needing to shed some ugly

and work through things 

only a small group are there

and that is good to see and know

lots of people can be loved by you and be in your life

but it's the tiny group- that love you in it all

and this isn't a diss on anyone- just a good thing noticed

thankful for the tiny group to be there in the hardest

I only had room for the tiny group

**** side tangent over

I don't know the point of this writing

who writes blogs anymore?

ha but all I know is I need to write again

it's not all going to be good 

but it needs to come out

maybe there is a ton of fat

flubber

junk

grub

goop

on top of the good stuff and I have to keep writing the goop (I think goop is a good word) to get to the nitty gritty good stuff

so here is my goop

writing words

to hopefully get to songs again

hopefully find songs to sing again

this isn't about nashville or all the other singers in nashville 

screw all of that 

I was here before all of that

I was born a singer and a writer and I don't care how many writers or singers come here

i'm still one of them

still a writer

still have a song

no matter if 1 million other people in nashville do or not

I need to keep letting the goop out (haha i'm not letting goop go, maybe the first song I sing again will be called goop)

I will keep writing weird, bad not awesome,"what was the point of that" stuff

until I get to the one that when I write it

I cry

sob

because I knew I hit core 

hit something 

a song that I know needs to be out

needs to be sung

in hopes that someone else needs to hear it too

needs to feel it

not to feel to feel

but to feel to heal

feel the song to know that someone else hears that, sees that, has felt it In lift and knows

they're not alone

Songs have that kind of power 

power to bring us together

iwant to find that again

the power to sing a song that mends us together

in a time where we all live in our own box

the "YOU DO YOU" generation

garbage

we need each other

we need to sing songs together

share life

so im going to keep writing

for myself

and hopefully someday

for someone else too

you're doing your best

you did your best

you made the best decisions at the moment

you made mistakes, missed chances but you were doing your best little lady

be kind to yourself

know that the father loves you and his grace is wider than you know

you did not mess it all up 

adn this is not the end of the story

the end of the story is heaven

and it's more beautiful than you can imagine

but trust that he makes beautiful things

out of our lives and is still over it all 

be kind to yourself

be proud that you're doing it

and keep going don't give up

keep taking risk and making choices 

he's right by your side

you haven't messed it all up

it's not over

keep picking and deciding and trusting he's helping the doors open and helping them close

he wants you to make decisions

he knows they won't be perfect

ohhhh he knows

but keep making decisions

keep praying and asking

and keep going