it's a ripple

so i did a lot of me time today.

just thinking.

me and God.

driving in my car.

shopping for dresses for the show.

i do a lot of thinking when i'm alone.

tooo much thinking.

but i was thinking of a convo my cousin michael and i had 3 weeks ago.

we're both very similar.

we think we can change the world.

we know we can.

we both barely sleep.

our minds are always moving.

we feel like we can't take a day off.

because people are always watching.

we feel like we have to shine all the time because we don't want to miss anyone.

maybe we're going to exhaust ourselves.

but i dont know.

no one said loving people would be easy.

no one said leading this world was simple.

yes. i'm a world leader.

and if you've never thought this about yourself.

i feel bad for you.

because you can

you are.

whether you like it or not.

you're changing this world.

life is a ripple.

you don't get a choice in that.

you only get a choice in if it's a positive ripple or not.

michael said to me "linds we're ignorant to think our life is only about us. we're foolish to think every decision doesn't effect people we'll never meet!"

wow.

wow.

maybe you didn't know it.

but when you honked your horn at that car the other day.

there was a little boy in that car you honked at.

he saw it.

he saw that anger.

and somewhere.

he kept it.

and someday it'll come out.

maybe while driving he'll honk.

or maybe he'll be a yeller.

or maybe worse. who knows.

and you'll never know you taught him that.

but you did.

or that time you were at the grocery.

you were in a hurry.

and the clerk was kind of grumpy.

she said something.

you didn't have time for her.

it would have been easier to just say thanks have a great day.

but you decided

to tell her it'll be ok, we all have those days.

you shared a laugh with her.

smiled with her, she looked like she needed that.

it took no more time.

but she instantly felt a little bit better.

she smiles at the next customer.

the next customer was having a horrible day.

but now that the clerk is smiling....his day gets a little bit better too.

please know.

let's not be so blind.

our life is not about just us.

we will effect people we will never meet.

you will in some way....have an effect on my kids someday.

you will somehow have an impact on the future leader of this country.

somehow someway. something you say. a wave. a kind gesture.

so what do you want to pass on.

it can be as easy as just smiling at strangers

i know it sounds simple.

but a smile is just as contagious as a dirty look.

and a laugh.

well i truly believe a laugh is stronger than any medicine

something about it.

i truly think it goes deep into the soul.

so tomorrow.

just try.

it's not always easy.

trust me i can be the biggest grump of all.

but try.

to pass something on.

something worth passing on to people you'll never meet.

we.are.family.

Family.

can make you smile

and happy like no one else.

you are truly proud

that they can say their colors

and sit up on their own.

No two are the same.

some are teachers.

some laugh at everything.

some only speak in movie quotes.

some will be the next president.

no matter how different.

we're the same.

one family gene links us.

i think it's the sarcastic gene.

but all the same blood.

some are generations apart.

they may never understand why we don't

write letters

and why we don't pick up the phone.

we won't get why they don't know how to text

or why they can't upload photos on facebook.

one family though.

no matter what we've been through.

somehow

we put it all aside

and can just laugh.

and enjoy each other.

no matter what.

we didn't pick this.

haha we probably wouldn't pick each other.

but we were GIVEN each other.

we need each other.

thick and thin.

we're all we have.

we're blood.

we're family.

how time flies

one year ago.

i was in nyc.

thinking about buying a place.

i found one.

well it found me.

it kept coming in my inbox.

i kept deleting.

airport? tooooooo far.

kept coming in.

so i decided to call my realtor and go see it.

why not?

hooked.

immediately.

fell in love.

my mom and dad were in town for the "31 days" showing.

so they came along with lara and i.

we looked at 5 condos.

one had carpet in the restroom.

one had a bag of chips on the stairs.

ha

and one. well this one.

was perfect for me.

"the windows are old linds" my dad said to me.

i knew instantly.

this is it mom and dad.

i could picture myself drinking coffee on the deck.

i could picture my friends here drinking wine and watching a movie.

this is the one.

i knew.

it worked amazingly.

we painted it during rehearsal week.

hahaha charly hated that.

the whole crew mocked us for working 12 hrs then going to paint.

we didn't care.

we were excited.

i remember they had this. this witch in the basket. i loved her.

she's back.

wow. a whole year.

a whole year we've been here.

i remember the first week.

i scrubbed and scrubbed it.

it had a smell. a clean smell but it smelled like someone else.

i hated it.

i cried. yes i cried.

i remember sitting on my floor crying thinking this wasn't my home.

it didn't feel comfy but I would give it time.

maybe.

a whole year.

a lot of laughing.

a few tears.

we learned the single ladies/thriller/soulja boy in this place.

we've made lots of meals. and burnt some.

i learned you have to open the flue on the fireplace or the smoke will come in the house.

haha my parents have two fireplaces and i've never done that so don't judge.

we've had many guest on these couches.

we spent the summer at the pool.

we've missed HOA meetings OOOPPPSS

we watched all the episodes of LOST in 3 months.

i've baked a lot of cakes. made the floor very sticky from icing.

we've watched a lot of planes fly right above us.

we've been on a lot of those planes.

it's been a fun year.

thanks miss witch

for coming back

and reminding me

it's been a year.

here's to another year!

fall time.

i love fall.

most people do.

it's beautiful in nashville.

pumpkin spice lattes

macintosh yankee candle

football

haunted corn fields

the smell of bonfires

wearing my osu hoodie

Christmas music. yes. I start early.

holidays.

apple cider

carving pumpkins.

usually carving pumpkins poorly.

my moms potato soup.

with lumps in it. haha aka dumplings.

riding with the windows down and the heat on.

my CMA family

photographs.

they're always prettier in fall.

that's all for now.

just a few happy thoughts.

this one right here.

she's getting married.

couldn't be happier for her.

it's a blessed thing.

when you get to have joy for a friend.

some people never get to feel that.

remember the love.

we all remember

exactly

where we were when we heard.

i was coming home from volleyball practice

i walked into my dorm

and there are about 5 girls sitting in there.

i always left my door unlocked and they always crashed in my place

so this was a normal scene for me.

but the look on everyones faces

i won't ever forget.

no one knew what was going on.

everyone was in shock.

our RA grabbed her Bible and we all sat in the hall.

reading.

praying.

we had no idea what was going to happen.

they closed our campus immediately

because of the polymer science building

so we all had to leave

where were we going to go?

home was 3 hrs away.

i remember calling my mom bawling

thinking this was it

and that i was never going to see my family again.

ugh that feeling.

so i hopped in a car with some of my friends

and went to their parents

we sat around the tv for hours and cried

and prayed

and ate together

and tried to smile

but mostly cried

some of us had never been to nyc.

but it didn't matter.

it was our city.

our people.

all of us shared that pain.

we hugged and tried to tell each other it would be ok

but no one knew if it would

it's been 9 years.

9 years.

and sometimes i think we forgot what really happened that day.

a hate crime.

a horrific hate crime happened.

it doesn't matter the race. the religion.

hate is ugly no matter who does it.

a hate crime happened.

and we faced it with love.

we all came together.

ate with strangers.

cried and hugged with whomever was there.

for one day.

all we could do was love each other.

there was no other option

to love sooo deeply for those who were physically there

and love for the rest of us who were mentally attached.

we were soo sick with sadness that we would have done

anything that day for a stranger

anything.

given them food. money. let them stay at our homes.

we just loved.

because we all were suffering together.

we will always remember the day

but lets also remember what we felt.

we're all still hurting.

not just because of that day.

but because of life.

we all are suffering still.

heartache.

constantly.

so even though you may think life is dandy.

remember the days you were suffering and know

that not a day goes by that a stranger doesn't need you.

not a moment.

and 9 years ago we felt pain for someone else.

i mean physically felt someone elses heartache as our own.

we need to keep remembering that.

to keep on loving strangers.

not just when tragedy hits.

but everyday.

we don't need to remember how we felt that day.

once a year in september

everyday.

remember.

to love that deeply.

ache that hard for strangers.

how do you see it?

ok so this summer.

haha oh this summer.

i wish everyone could have a summer.

where they are totally humbled

and taken COMPLETELY out of their comfort zone.

i don't even feel like lindsay this summer.

i was telling my roommate the other night

"I don't even know where i fit anymore, i just know i have to keep going on this path and it will make sense someday"

anywho.

its been a think too much kind of summer.

but in a great way.

i think it's good to evaluate yourself everyonce in awhile.

i've learned two very big things.

one

I HATE TRAFFIC.

hate it.

hate it

hate it.

rush hour= stinky cheese

yuck.

two.

i have too much pride.

too much.

i never thought i did.

but i do.

and one comes in the form of people.

now i love people.

if i could put everyone in my pocket

i would.

but sometimes

especially this past year.

i've felt really used.

people liking my job more than me

i got pretty jaded last year ( i hate the word jaded. its kind of cheap, but it fits)

people talking music all the time.

people talking tv.

this one "hey if you ever need anyone, let me know, i'll work for free"

or "tell me about so and so.."

i felt like this whole town was fake.

everyone was fake.

everyone was going out to be seen.

everyone was trying to use everyone else.

(I'm not talking about my closest friends, they're the bomb.com)

but i just had enough of nashville and the fakeness.

.ENOUGH.

so i took a break.

i was tired of feeling used.

people only talking to me when they wanted things

people only being around me

when they wanted things

and this summer.

i've realized

i was wrong.

yes maybe i was being used sometimes.

but i was looking at it ALLL WRONG.

i wasn't being used.

God was giving me the chance to be used.

make sense.

i was seeing it as being used. walked on. stepped on. looking like a fool.

but it was a chance.

it's ALWAYS a chance.

to help someone.

it's just the way you look at it.

maybe they're looking at it at first as "yes. i will totally befriend her to get in"

but so what.

i was taught to show love and kindness.

no matter what.

not "if i feel like it" or "if i feel like loving them back" or "if they're not using me"

show it anyways.

the thing is.

it's all in how i look at it.

the little chances in life i get to make a difference

everyday we all talk about how "we can change the world'

we all know the quote from the founders of apple.

"this ones for the dreamers, the weird ones, the ones that think outside the box"

something like that.

anyways.

we're always looking for "that break. just one chance to change the world"

truth is.

we get many chances every day

all day.

but they don't look like what we think.

they're not the head of the record label

offering you a deal.

they don't come in a form of a big promotion

or "hey, i'm the perfect person ready to SWEEP you off your feet"

uh no.

i mean i believe in that.

but sometimes it's baby steps first.

baby steps up the stairs...(movie.what movie?")

they come in the form of

a friend needing an ear to listen.

someone behind you, having a bad day and whether or not you hold open the door.

or let it shut in their face.

it comes in the form of inviting someone at work to lunch.

even though you go to lunch with your fun friends.

it's the fact that she goes to lunch with no one.

it comes in the form of befriending

the unfriendable

or when you pass a homeless person

who you usually avoid eye contact with

because you don't want to give them money.

it comes in the form of

maybe they just want you to look up and smile.

just maybe that would make their day.

the little things.

i'm far from perfect. haha

way far away.

like im in never never land

away from perfect.

but the thing is.

i can't sit and wait for my big chance.

i can't wait for the next flood to hit nashville

for my heart to feel the need to help others

i can't wait for a car wreck in front of me

to have my "help the neighbor" moment

those moments are now

right now.

and i fail them everyday

we fail them everyday.

and the thing is...

those little moments

those are the ones that make us ready for the big ones.

sooo that being said.

it's all about how you look at it.

the little things.

that may not seem that important to you.

could be the moments

that change some ones life.

i had a crush on you if...

ok so it's my summer of yes.

yes to taking back my life.

not letting a career decide who i am.

letting love and faith lead the way.

soo...

i'm 27 and have dated like an idiot for the past 5 years.

ok my friend steph would say all through college too.

but i'm over it.

i'm sick of being stupid.

so here is a huge flaw of mine.

i think i'm a great person

i'm probably one of the most charming people you'll meet ;)

so i'm not trying to beat myself up

ha but this is a flaw

I HAVE GOT TO GET RID OF.

what better way than a blog huh?

here are my huge dating flaws

they USED TO EXIST

lately i've been really good about getting rid of them

but i think guys should know they're out there

idiots like me

outgoing

and talking to everyone

except the one she likes

let's play this game....

lindsay liked you if....

1. i talked to your best friend instead of you.

yeah i do this.

i also ALMOST ALWAYS

get asked out by the best friend.

example:

you and your friend walk in.

i have nothing NOTHING to say to you

but instantly bond with your bff paul

sorry bff paul.

i just am too nervous to talk to your friend Bob that I like

sorry bob that i ignored you.

it's just that i was too nervous around you.

2. I've danced with your best friend.

ha and i love to dance

so chances are

i've danced with your best friend

in hopes that you would ask me to dance

ughhh just ask me to dance fellas.

it's easier than this game

unless i held your hand after you danced with me

then i liked you

3. i couldn't hold a conversation with you.

news flash.

i can have the best conversation with a bookshelf.

if i couldn't form a sentence around you

i liked you

if a conversation is really awkward, example:

you: how are you today?

me: i like pencils. sometimes i use pens. but mostly pencils, except when i use markers.

yep.

i'm baffled and have noooo idea what words are spitting out of my mouth.

i liked you.

4. if i pretended i didn't see you.

sorry guys.

this one is HUGE for me.

i suck when it comes to this

example:

i'm at sushi yobi with friends

you walk in.

this place is smallllll.

narrow.... the waiting area is seen by the whole restaurant.

everyone sees you.

but i'm still looking the other way.

then you walk up to the table and i drop my chop sticks and act surprise.

yes.

i saw you and am 5 years old.

then i go back to number 1 and immediately start talking to your bff

and asked him to hang out and play volleyball instead of you.

yep

i was just hoping you would say

"i want to hang out too"

see they all tie together.

5. I emailed you or facebooked you instead of talking to you

ughhh i hate that I can't say what I want to guys in person.

actually most guys are like this too

text.

facebook.

email.

lamesauce.

instead of talking in person.

it's weak really.

imagine if our grandparents had done this?

been this lame?

where would we be?

so guys that i have liked

i'm sorry

sorry that i really liked you

and you probably felt a connection too

and then i played ALL SORTS of games

truth is.

it was just to make you come after me.

which is stupid.

but the truth.

i smile all the time.

laugh all the time so you don't see

that i really miss or like you.

girls do that.

we want to smile in pictures so you don't get it.

but really we just want you to ask us to go get coffee.

no more games.

good thing out of all of this

this summer

i've grown soo much.

it's sad that i wish i could have grown in the past

that maybe one of you would still be in my life

but what's done is done

but i've grown

and two.

i've written some really great songs out of the heartache this has caused me.

haha no seriously

lots of songs.