when we have to let go of good

 i'm not sure if i'll ever get good at letting go of something good that just doesn't fit anymore. 

it's easy to let go of something that hurts, like picking up a hot pan, we're all quick to drop the pan. 

Accidentally picking up a knife at the wrong end, we all drop it. (ha I give so many cooking references because I've done them all)

But it's not easy letting go of something good, that you know doesn't fit anymore.

Like when I left for college it was so natural, I SPRINTED to Akron, I couldn't wait to see college and meet all those neew people. 

My mom on theo ther hand, I can't imagine how hard it was to let me leave. ha maybe itw as sooo simple, but to let me fly out the coop and explore, I'm sure it was not easy but it was right. 

Maybe I'm more selfish, or maybe I just squeeze on a little bit longer, but it's just hard to love something good and feel it could be time to let it go. Let it fly, let someone else love it, maybe love it. better. 

Many of you don't know this (by many I mean the 1 person that might read this), but my minor in college was logic and philosophy. It was almost ceramics.ha does that just about sum me up? I love black and white. Right and wrong. if you do this than this result will happen. And I love art and creative and mess turned into beauty. I truly think God made my brain love both sides. ha I love Tim Keller philosophy and then I love seeing God in the ocean or paintings or just in the wind. Both. 

Anyways the logic side of me has always thought if it's good, kind, lovely you keep it. Mean, ugly, awful means you let it go and hope it fails miserably. ha But as I get older that's not life. 

not all good you get to keep. And not all bad goes away. life isn't true justice on this side of heaven. it also isn't that black and white. Good friendships don't work out forever. Relationships that you want to work don't s tay forever. Towns you once called home might not be your home forever. life is harder than keep wahts good and get rid of what is bad. 

this is where i'm thankful for Jesus. I don't know how people do life with out knowing the messiah came for the messy and knows what is going on, and even when we feel like it doesn't make sense he is still there. We can lean. lean hard. 

i'm so thankful tears are prayers. a lot of my prayers as I get older are just tears. ha don't worry, it doesn't mean sad, I just sometimes cry instead of say words. it's a cool part of getting older, I get to know this is who I am with him, he made me a cryer. ha no shame at all. 

anyways...letting go of good things is just against logic and my head and little heart can't grasp it. But thankful for heaven when I won't have to let go of good anymore.

not who I was

i'm not where I was 

i'm at rest and at peace with myself

no longer fighting to be normal or fit in 

no longer fighting who God made me to be

gosh sometimes it would be easier to fit into the mold

fit into 

but I cant

it squashed me to almost no breath left

no heart beat

only making a paycheck, making a dinner and netflix nad chill

what kind of life Is that

watching other peoples lives instead of living?

i'm not there anymore

I can't buy into "this is the dream" 

it's not the dream I was born with

my heart was meant to beat

meant to get my feet dirty

meant to love people outside of my age range

outside of my race 

outside of my comfort zone.

to explore to learn to beat to run to fall

my heart was given breath

and I refuse to numb it to live the american dream

why do I love sports? why do I hate them? ha this is the question

 I grew up loving a lot of things.

outdoors.

strangers.

country music. 

sweets. 

riding bikes.

being a little dirty. God made dirt and dirt don't hurt.

pink and glitter. 

baking.

and sports. 

it's a diverse list I know. as a guy friend once said "you're the most predictable unpredicatable person i've ever met." one of the highest compliments i've ever gotten.

Anyways. I love sports. always have. ever since I was a little girl

I love being at the games. my parents would drive us 4 hrs to see a 4 hr baseball game and then drive us home.

I loved it. that sounds like most peoples worst nightmare but not mine.

I wanted to work in sports events

I didn't know why I just did, I loved the atmosphere of the game. 

I moved to nashville and didn't really care for sports because my other love was here.

music. 

and I LOVE ME SOME COUNTRY still to this day. even seeing behind the curtain. it reminds me of home. it's ohio in a song. 

anways. I didn't watch baseball here, barely watched anything. 

then one day a friend got me back into. got me into a team called the tennessee titans. 

ha and my heart just came back alive in a whole new /old way. 

I felt like little lindsay again. 

cheering on strangers while sitting next to a bunch of strangers.

high fiving randoms and also trash talking some other randoms. ha ok ok only bengals fans, they're so fun to trash talk- they're just fun people. I like them. 

so anyways- yesterady was a hard day-the titans had a week off so I thought "good it can just be a low key weekend" ha I was wrong

not only did BOTH my fantasy football teams lose by a few points, but the titans traded our captain, our heart and soul of the team, kevin byard. 

I know I know I know he's just a stranger- but it hurt me a bit. made me sad. for a short moment just made me want to find another hobby. 

so I went for a walk and was like "why do I love sports? why do I hate them?"haha 

THIS IS THE QUESTION

here is what I LOVE about them. 

billions of dollars go into them- millions of people watch sports- billions probably. but it's huge, massive, all over the world. 

and yet ...YOU CAN'T CONTROL IT. even if some refs may throw a game or some owners or players may be bought (who knows just saying)...you still can't fully control it because you can't control everyone, can't control people. So at the end of the day the best team might not win, the worst team might not lose, you can't predict it. The lady with the brightest future might get hurt and get knocked out of the race, the right people maybe never saw the play the right way and called it wrong. You can't control it. and that's honestly what I love ab out it. 

What I hate about it is just htat. I can't control if Amy Adams sells Byard...I can't control if we win another game. But let me tell you I AM screaming my heart out in section 128, bc they can hear me from row G I believe it and I believe it matters. hah but at the end of the game- I can't control what happens, no matter how much I try and I hate that. 

sports are the best representation we have of life, yet we get to watch from the outside. So we get to critique , we get to judge Amy for what seems like a rough decision, we get to yell at the refs or the kicker for missing, like we would have done it better, because we're watching. Our hearts are in it but we don't have any risk except our hearts. 

I love it because it looks like life, it is life, and I get to watch and have no risk. except the cost of my ticket, and the antenna I've purchased for away games :) hah 

I love sports bc it's no risk to me but it gets my heart on fire, it hurts and excites me and makes me fall in love, and get mad. now I do love sports and will forever love them.

however, I think this is how life is supposed to be too. we're supposed to love it, love it fiercely, love our people, maybe don't shout at them liek we do the TV, but love it, give it our all. Be dissapoint3ed when it doesn't go our way- but stick it out even if the titans might be last in their league this year. stick it out. 

i'm learning from sports. I don't want to feel more for a sport than I do my life. I want to love my family this way, my friends, a man if God will have it ;) feircely, get the calls wrong sometimes, trade the wrong players (Amy I think we should keep byard, I think this is a mistake like AJ), make mistakes, but take a risk for a life that is big and alive like God planned for us. 

I give the titans my ALLLLLL on Sundays- I think I love them. I think I do. haha but I want to live my life with that too. ya'll I bought a season ticket by myself. ONE SEASON TICKET. bc I wanted a good seat, and didn't want to buy two expensive seats, so I bought one. knowing "i'll make friends" haha and I have. 

but I took a risk- that I don't do in all areas- I have fear, we all do- but the most beautiful parts of my life are when I push past them and just trust it will work out. I'm soooo thankful I bought this ticket- i'm having a great time. and I want to keep doing that in my life. not wait for perfect. not wait for the most perfecdt way. 

I tell people all the time, God made me analytical, he made me a thinker, and that's such a good side. I get it from my dad. But I think one of my favorite traits of myself is when I just risk it- take that leap knowing it'll work out, even if I lose, even if I break a bone or get traded- it's worth it all. 

thats' all- sports Inspire me to live with more heart- wake up from the numb of netflix and live a life that is in front of me. I'm not talking about jumping out of planes, kissing strangers and moving to Europe...I mean MAYBE but ...just in my everyday life. living it more with a spirit of faith and love ...like i've got nothing to lose. 

i'll miss byard. but there will be another player- he will find another home...we all will go on and keep growing. it wasn't a mistake he came to the team... so it wasn't a waste- I don't want to waste moments out of fear how they end. we've got a game to play. i've got a life to live. going to try to live a little bit more like the sports I love. 

titan up. 

you're kinder to strangers

you're kinder to strangers

than those closest to you

it stings really

I mean...

i get it i do

it's easy to be nice to people who don't know you

you want to give them help give them money

show your generosity 

you want to take care of the customer

but not the family

you run around

scramble around 

make us chase you

make us follow you 

all for the dollar all for the fame

all talk for the stranger

and trouble for the ones closest 

i get it i do

it's easier to wear the mask 

then face the music 

that you actually don't do 

can't do

anything you're actually saying 

 you are the saying 

"those who can't do teach"

 yes it's important to be kind to strangers

but  just look around and see who you're drowning in your wake

some things never change

I was just reading through old blogs I wrote forever ago.

so thankful 10 years ago i decided to write them down

what a gift to read those 

I wrote one about my brother

and how much I adored him 10 years ago when he turned 18

and it made my heart sink. 

it was about my brother zach and how much I loved him 10 years ago. 

Gosh I loved him so much growing up

mom said he was my own little baby doll

and I just thought it was my job to love him as much as i possibly could

and I did- I gave it my all back then

and as we have grown these past ten years I can't believe i love him even more

he's grown into a fine man

and one of my absolute best friends, favorite people in the world.

It didn't. change over the years

it just grew more as we both got older and I just love it so much

love him tons

he would gag if he read this

and I love that too

then would try to pick me up and squeeze me like he did when he was 18

he hasn't changed that much and I love that

I read another one about my friends

and how they were a gift from the Lord when I first moved to Nashville 

I beamed at the thought of knowing a lot of those friends 15 years later

and they're still a gift 15 years later 

we've learned to let go of having us all at every.single.event

that life moves at different paces and phases 

it's not fair and it can even be mean

but if you keep your friends close

even if you can't keep them all close all the time

that you can get through anything

it hasn't changed 

we still look GOOOOODD TOO just fyi. it hasn't changed. ha 

I read one ...ok many that I wrote and a lot that were still in the "draft" phase

10 years later

most of those were "I'm not sure what i'm doing with life"  or

"this is hard not sure what God Is calling me to do" 

"I like him, God" ha 

lots of those in the draft or some written

and im so thankful for those blogs too

bc 15 years later it's still hard

I still get stressed and worried im taking the wrong steps

still nervous for the things I think God is saying for me to do

still the same girl

just a little mroe beat up, a fwe more falls

more broken hearts

more mistakes under my belt

and a whole lot of wins

but i'm so glad I wrote all those down ..sweet little younger lindsay

trying to figure "it out" struggling to know which way to go

Im thankful sweet little linds journaled all those things back then

I think I was reallly looking for the answer

and im thankful for it all

because today I still don't know

I still mess up

I just have a ton more years to look back at and know 

it was wroth it- doing It all not knowing which way to really go

I think I know now that we'll never know

it's all just steps

steps we think are right

steps that feel like who God made us to be

loving those we think we are. able and made to love

and letting others go that might need to move on

whew...a little older but it hasn't changed much

I still absolutely love Zachy wachy

I still feel blessed by the friends in my life. Lord knows they're wild for saying yes to being my friends

and I still feel confused and worried at life sometimes

 but little linds had hope and ambition and she had a HECK of a lot of fun

she loved life and music and wasn't afraid of falling

so I want to keep that part the same too

to kepe going, keep hoping, keep little linds alive in leaping and jumping

even if she doesn't know really where she's going

run into a few walls while living this life

but living this life well and how God created me to live it

hhaha thankful some things never change

thanks to the Tennesses titans

 it's not a shock that covid drained us all

it was a hard season

still is hard at times 

but it shook me to my core 

I felt like I couldn't breathe 

things I loved

a job I loved 

people I loved

just hidden

taken away

maybe miles away but might have well as been light years away

the distance was isolating

there is a reason they isolate prisoners

actually I don't know the reason

it's cruel

it's mean

and it teaches you a lot 

anyways im thankful for the roommates I had when it started

very thankful

they were light

but covid showed me a lot about myself

when you strip everything away

you realize what you really need

yes what I really needed was the Tennessee Titans 

haha jk jk 

well kind of 

but I realized when it all was taken away

I needed the Lord so much

needed to wrestle

and talk and hear and lean

LEAN into him

it wasn't pretty

yet it was close

and as I slowly got my breathe back

like most of us

I found myself needed people who could handle the light and the dark

no one else

and found myself looking for small small ways to laugh again

I have a friend

and she has a friend

that works for the titans 

and so we started going

we weren't fans

we just liked to be together so sometimes we'd spend 1/2 the game in our car giggling

and crying

and sometimes we would barely look at the field

but one game at a time we went

then slowly but surely

we'd watch a little more of the game 

watched this guy they called king henry run the ball

we enjoyed that

and before we know it

3. seasons...4 seasons later 

we're enjoying the games

not just enjoying

some would call us fanatics now.

we have pom poms and we have made the jumbotron

anyways the point is 

I dind't need the titans necessarily

but I needed fun

I needed to think of anything else but my situation

all I lost 

I just needed for 3 hrs, 17 times a year, I needed to just think of something else besides COVID and my life

and that's what the Titans did

we cheered we laughed we acted like fools 

we had fun like the other fans

like the kids

I think what i've learned from loving sports again 

is we need fun

the order we get we need something that isn't us driving life

pushing for more money

pushing to stay as fit as we were in our 20's

pushing to save for retirement

pushing for less wrinkles ;) 

we need something else

we need fun

we need laughter 

God made me that way

to handle life

I have ZERO doubt in my mind it's a gift

to notice the smallest things and laugh

to enjoy weird random things

I just forgot for a bit

which is ok we cna't laugh and have fun all the time

but the point is to find things that bring you joy

that can't be perfect can only be fun

I can't control if the titans win

(although call me Amy Adams and we can talk about me coming to work there and seeing what I can do as your new employee haha ok ok I'd make a lowsy GM but i'd make a great events and operations director, just saying) 

anyways back to the titans...

I can't control how good they are

who gets injured

if they win

if Derrick becomes my friend 

that's what I love about sports actually.... you can buy the best team

have the best coach in the league (which we do)

and it's all up in the air, the worst team can beat the best team

someone can have the best play of their life

someone can make their worst play

the point is...you go all in..pick a team...and GO BIG cheering them on

lose yourself

wear the dumbest costume 

paint your face and your car

SCREAM LIKE THEY CAN HEAR YOU FROM THE 300 LEVEL

whatever it taeks to feel like a kid

and have some fun

and when they lose you can cry or be mad

but it's not that big of deal in your life comparative to the rest of your life

so there is a freedom to it

anyways im so thankful for the titans over these past three years

I have my pom poms laid out for the cowboys game tomorrow.

read that again.

I have my pom poms laid out

HAHAHAHAH 

that's fun.

find something that makes you want to go stand out in two degree weather 

that makes you act a fool to get on a massive tv

find something that makes you take yourself and life a little bit less seriously

thanks titans for doing that for me

for reminding me to let go a little bit

to have a little bit of fun as I get older

fun isn't just for the youth

it's for all of us

I love that you brought that to me again titans

I really do

my heart is a little lighter

and my laugh is a little louder

#TitanUp

when your pipes freeze....

i'm from Ohio

I should know better 

but I had a migraine was in and out of sleep

I wasn't thinking

that when they said below freezing temps were going to hit nashville 

I wasn't thinking like an ohio-ian

everyone from the north knows to let the faucets drip

I just didn't

and the pipes froze

so we took care of it, set the house up to hopefully let them thaw when it gets warmer

but until then

I need a shower

I immidiately call my newly married friends who live very close and ask if I can borrow a shower and 

with out hesitation they not only say yes but come pick me up.

they have everything laying out, lotion, shampoo, they're like a very nice bed and breakfast

I not only got a shower but just sweet friend time with them

and warm cookies

they dropped me off back home nice and clean and 

an invitation if I don't go home to Ohio that i can spend it with them

that's the other thing about freezing weather in nashville

it isn't just in nashville

the midwest got hit hard

including my home state of Ohio

the roads are a WRECK

i'm usually pretty "it'll be fine" when It comes to making the 6 hr drive" 

but there was something about the high winds, tons of accidents and the "salt isn't working in below zero weather" that made me decide not to drive home to Ohio tonight, on Christmas eve

not only does this make me very sad

the thought of not getting to wake up with my mom and drink coffee and watch a Christmas movie

before anyone else wakes up

but also makes me sad because I still don't have water.

so i can't just "stay home" 

i need to think of whose home can i invade to at least shower and go the bathroom

and you know what? 

the whole reason i'm writing this.

when i think of "who will let me crash their Christmas" 

the list is long

i really mean it

I Immediately thought of so many friends that stay here for the holidays or have family here

 and thought "they wouldn't mind, they wouldn't care!" 

I could immediately see myself in pj's hanging with them and their family

I just started tearing up

right now as I write this

wow

what a gift

a list of dear dear friends that would actually be mad if they found out

that i didn't go home and didn't have water and just sat in my house

mad. some would get mad and call me stubborn

anyways the point isn't how mad my friends can get

the ponit is i'm very loved

and I most likely will make it home on Christmas day

and all will be fine

but the thought of the family i've made here

such deep relationships

that wouldn't care if I spent Christmas with them

even if they have kids that will be opening presents

or even if they're at their parents house and let me come too

or even if it's their first Christmas married together and i'll third wheel it

it's overwhelming how life goes

when I moved to nashville all those years ago

I thought i'd find a job and have some fun

but never never did I imagine families that would be my family

just a sweet overwhelming feeling.

thanks to my friends

who would pick me up so I can shower

who would allow me to come sleep at their house anytime I needed 

who genuinely just love me

wow very thankful today. 

all because our pipes froze.

it's ok to let go of toxic

ok this is not my typical post

but im trying to write "less perfect" 

and just write more

the goal of these is to get closer to writing music again

so this is my thought for today

so it's not all tied up in a bow

where i see the best in all situations 

this is just about toxic relationships 

and how to let go

I know we've heard this over and over

but there is just something clicking in me

to finally start seeing toxic 

in the past i've seen a lot of things as my fault

I call myself "a learner" or a "forgiver" 

so I will learn from hard relationships

or give forgiveness to them when they're wrong

and YES all of those are important

i'm a believer in jesus and he is the ultimate forgiver

however I don't believe he gives us wisdom to keep staying in toxic 

maybe turning the other cheek is creating boundaries 

space so you can heal and pray and love from afar 

and not be in their path of harm and distruction

all these years as seeing everything as my fault

and mine to fix

I think i'm just having eyes to see toxic

and by NO MEANS am I perfect

we will be hurt by friends, relationships, jobs

but i'm talking about those who won't help themselves 

they don't want to heal

they blame you for everything

they harm you because they hurt 

they never apologize but rationalize their behavior

they make you feel smaller and dumb

instead of apologizing for. both making mistakes and messing up

then they smile and laugh and move on like nothing happend

that's what im talking about 

those who don't want to heal or don't know how

so they're taking you down with them

so today i'm seeing it

i'm done seeing it as my fault 

and i'm opening my eyes just a little.

i don't want to let anyone define who I am

I don't want to be around someone that pretends to listen but just interrupts and talks over you

I don't want to be apart of someone pretending to listen to someones ideas and dreams

then steamrolls the room to get their ideas pulled through

I don't want to be around humble braggers

I don't want to be about someone who constantly needs to be the star of the show and be the one 

to save the day and put others down

i don't want to be around someone who makes me feel dumb for thinking different then them

that i need to jump on their way or you're just in the wrong

I believe in loving people and seeing the good and know you don't know everyones story

however that doesn't mean you don't need to set boundaries

that doesn't mean you need to stay around them

I don't believe you need to "get them back" or "teach them the right way" 

I think we just need to see these traits in people

and if you're like me and believe you can forgive or fix it

maybe what you're supposed to do Is just walk away

put boundaries there 

look for some of these traits

you're not crazy

if someone is doing these things 

they might be manipulating 

no relationship

friendship

job

family member 

is worth that. I just need to say it.

for those out there that are in some toxic relationships

it's not you

and that person is a human and needs healing and love too

but that might not be your place

MOST of the time it's not your job to fix them

counselors

doctors 

it's their roles 

this Is me recognizing 

toxic relationships 

this isn't about one person- this is about a habit in people

maybe we all can be toxic at times

but none of us need to stay in it

it's ok to put a boundary up

we don't need to make them out to be this horrible person

but we don't need to put them in the center of our life either

boundaries

changing my thought process 

on who I am

who I want in my life

one day at a time 

a slow ache

the odd thing about today

is I was content with where I was 

with who was around me

I giggled 

I was content

working

eating 

living

grown content

thankful for a pattern

and that is good

it is good

a pattern is good

the people around me are good 

yet at the end of the day today

out of nowhere 

a few tears dropped

I was like "why are tears falling" and I just knew

this slow ache all day

this sense in my heart of something missing

there is more to live out

more to the story

and it's been a content season

but I feel it in my bones, and hear it in gentle whispers

be prepared to open my hands to something

I don't know what

but it's time

maybe comfort and routine was never going to be the life with me and God

for years i've aimed for just routine

and maybe that was never his plan

or maybe it was for a season

to rest during it

my heart stirs

or maybe it's ache? 

aching for so much more

something more fierce

more risky

there is this part of me

that knows I was never made for normal

I can't rest in "normal"

maybe none of us were meant to rest in it

but I know for sure I was not

I keep trying to be normal

but I just know the american dream

the do a+b+c= retirement on the beach isn't me 

isn't who he made me

I dont know where he has me going 

but I can't deny the path of risk

his path for me

because i'll never be able to sleep

never be able to settle into a place that isn't for me

I know part of that ache and stirring is heaven

i'm meant for heaven

and someday we'll all be there

but I don't think heaven on earth is me getting all the money

and all the success

I think it's going to be living out the adventure with the Lord

I think it's time to embrace my enneagram 7ness again

it's been so nice resting

so nice being in normal

it grew my soul in such pure ways

such strong ways

and it's time again

I have no idea what the next step with him is

but I will say yes-

to whatever

whomever it is

my heart is ready to beat fast again

im still here

i'm trying to write again

trying to find the words in my life 

hoping to sing again

writing helps me feel

helps me see, helps me wonder 

so im trying to write again.

I used to write about all the light I saw everywhere

in every little thing

which is an amazing outlook

seeing good in a woman you pass on the street

or the good in everything

the love I felt

the hope I felt for love 

I used to be able to sing about all kinds of things

but then everything got hard

everything got heavier

I got older haha 

it got harder 

and I didn't know what to do 

I didn't know what to do when I couldn't see good anymore 

so I just stopped writing

stopped singing

tried to stop feeling and just get through the days

because if you can't see positive and if you can't feel good and joy 

then you need to not feel at all right? 

so that's what I tried to do

get through day by day

and not feel

and I know we can't live on feelings 

but what I also wasn't doing when I was trying not to feel

was blocking healing

blocking growth

so slowly I let negative things in

and slowly started talking to the lord about them

giving them over to him

slowly started feeling again

and it wasn't pretty feelings 

but it was all I had 

and he took it and healed

and grew me in such lovely ways

and there was a small group of friends surrounding me

to hold my hand and lead me towards him

***** side tangent for a moment

i've always loved a lot of people

and felt loved by many

made friends quickly and felt deeply for them quickly

but I will say... when ugly comes out

only a few can really handle that

when you're needing to shed some ugly

and work through things 

only a small group are there

and that is good to see and know

lots of people can be loved by you and be in your life

but it's the tiny group- that love you in it all

and this isn't a diss on anyone- just a good thing noticed

thankful for the tiny group to be there in the hardest

I only had room for the tiny group

**** side tangent over

I don't know the point of this writing

who writes blogs anymore?

ha but all I know is I need to write again

it's not all going to be good 

but it needs to come out

maybe there is a ton of fat

flubber

junk

grub

goop

on top of the good stuff and I have to keep writing the goop (I think goop is a good word) to get to the nitty gritty good stuff

so here is my goop

writing words

to hopefully get to songs again

hopefully find songs to sing again

this isn't about nashville or all the other singers in nashville 

screw all of that 

I was here before all of that

I was born a singer and a writer and I don't care how many writers or singers come here

i'm still one of them

still a writer

still have a song

no matter if 1 million other people in nashville do or not

I need to keep letting the goop out (haha i'm not letting goop go, maybe the first song I sing again will be called goop)

I will keep writing weird, bad not awesome,"what was the point of that" stuff

until I get to the one that when I write it

I cry

sob

because I knew I hit core 

hit something 

a song that I know needs to be out

needs to be sung

in hopes that someone else needs to hear it too

needs to feel it

not to feel to feel

but to feel to heal

feel the song to know that someone else hears that, sees that, has felt it In lift and knows

they're not alone

Songs have that kind of power 

power to bring us together

iwant to find that again

the power to sing a song that mends us together

in a time where we all live in our own box

the "YOU DO YOU" generation

garbage

we need each other

we need to sing songs together

share life

so im going to keep writing

for myself

and hopefully someday

for someone else too

you're doing your best

you did your best

you made the best decisions at the moment

you made mistakes, missed chances but you were doing your best little lady

be kind to yourself

know that the father loves you and his grace is wider than you know

you did not mess it all up 

adn this is not the end of the story

the end of the story is heaven

and it's more beautiful than you can imagine

but trust that he makes beautiful things

out of our lives and is still over it all 

be kind to yourself

be proud that you're doing it

and keep going don't give up

keep taking risk and making choices 

he's right by your side

you haven't messed it all up

it's not over

keep picking and deciding and trusting he's helping the doors open and helping them close

he wants you to make decisions

he knows they won't be perfect

ohhhh he knows

but keep making decisions

keep praying and asking

and keep going

I walk a squiggly line

i've done a lot of things

i've tried a lot of things

and I would say most of the time I learn a lesson hard

fall hard and get back up all the wiser

i guess I just haven't been very scared to try-- take a risk-- and see

one of my favorite taco shops, baja taco, has appx 2 parking spots. haha they had more in the back but it used to be a FIGHT to get one of the front spots. Anyways I always used to go there and say "someone has to get a front spot, it might as well be me." Most people would just go straight to the back but not me, I would troll those two spots and a lot of times I get one! I know that's not a risk- but I lived a lot of my life with that motto.

my old boss and friend Cara once said "you know what I love about you... is when you mess up you you're not afraid to admit you messed up and you usually learn from it and don't do the same thing twice." 

I can't remember wha I had messed up in that moment at work but it stuck with me. I took it as a great compliment from her. I remember loving that about myself. that i'm not afraid to try..go for it....expect that if I mess up i'll be ok and get up and figure it out. 

I got older.

and sometimes falling and getting back up hurt a lot more

stung a little bit more

I took risk that had bigger losses than before

I think after awhile I kind of stopped trying

i started just "getting in line" with the rest of the world

doing what the other grey haired people do

just do the normal--- and stop taking so many risk--settle down wit yo bad self

but realized I couldn't

that God didn't make me for a straight line

in fact he had already delivered me from trying to be perfect and would NOT 

let me go back to trying to be that girl again

every time I tried to do the "straight line" thing

it didn't seem to work

worked for others but not for Lindsay

I think i'm supposed to keep being  curious

keep being ok with taking risk

and life looking different

and keep on getting hit a bit..but getting back up....

***Insert Rocky Quote right here--- you know the one**** 

these lyrics from needtobreathe hit me so good...I think i'm just going to keep living a life that NEEDS Jesus to show up with Miracles everyday...little ones...and big ones... not the life I can control..but a life were i'm the daughter and he takes care of me.

"I don't need silver linings

I don't need so much more

I just need room to be wrong sometimes

that's all i'm hoping for

I feel like we could find it

if we knocked on heaven's door

i'd say God, i'm only human

you'd say that's what i'm here for

writers need to live a life to write about

this post is for my single friends.. and maybe my older retired friends too...

there is this cute show on Apple called "home before dark" 

it's about a family and the dad is a writer and a reporter and his little 4th grader follows in his footsteps

she tries to find out mysteries in her dads small home town and writes about it

anywhooooo in one of the episodes the dad tells the little girl that she needs to stop investigating for one night

that she needs to go live her life..that in order to write about life she has to live it.. that's what writers do.. they have to live life..see it..experience it then write about it..

got me. 

has life felt not very interesting lately? to anyone else? nothing to really write home about? Maybe that's why we're all just posting photos of food and just following influencers? Because we're not living a life worth writing home about? Well for me I feel like i've got in this comfort zone and it's pretty...boring.

I get it I get it-- life isn't always mountain tops and exciting adventures- it doesn't need to be the freaking best day ever every day---but-- you should be able to sit in a room with your friend and be like "wow that was a moment i'll remember for a long time" we laughed hard over a silly convo or i'm so glad we went Tubing today -- or that guy we met at the pool with the short shorts was a gem. memories. moments.  I feel like they've been few this year because online has been high- watching fake life on tv and insta vs. living life.

are you living life or watching others make up a story for you.

and i know it's not all bad-- hellooo TED LASSO INSPIRES ME SO MUCH.hahah but it's so easy being single to get into a routine of home after work, cook some food, watch a show and go to bed early. haha ok just me? I love early mornings so I'm in bed so early! 

and those are great- great to get rest- but it doesn't all need to be rest- especially my extraverted friends--- the way we fuel is by living a life with strangers and people.... playing volleyball or talking to the stranger at the pool.. or playing board games with your friends instead of just watching tv... it can be in the little moments too-- but just taking the time to create those moments and notice them-- vs.. I don't know... each of us just staying in our own homes living our own lives and kind of coasting.

i used to write songs-- I had so much to write about---I have a friend that for about 15 years- anytime I see him he ask "hows the new song coming" ha he NEVER lets it go...

I think it's time for us all to write a new song--- do something a little fresh- even if it means going alone and going outside the box--let's all try--- add some spice back into the week-- write that new country song :) 

does growing up look like giving up?

Did you give up living your life? The life you were when you were a kid---- I mean we can't be kids forever obvi-- but did you give up believing in yourself- believing in a life that is important and full of joy. I think I hit a point where I just kind of thought "it's time to be normal, it's time to settle down and be normal" and to be honest, me trying to be normal doesn't really work. Somehow it looked like me stop living and trying to be something else. 

I have a sweet friend whose mama just passed. But when she was in hospice she was making hair and lunch appts. my friend said some people thought she should stop her and bring her back to reality, but my friend didn't. My friend kept letting her mom make appts till the day she passed. her mom lived her life till the very last moment- scheduling and kept going not knowing if she'd get to eat that lunch or get her hair done. 

I told my friend sometimes I wish I was that hopeful and faithful with life as her mom. some days I just waste a day with being stuck. Not knowing which step to take next, or maybe having fear of being different and taking a different step that I just don't take any. So I just sit--- and miss a day-- and another day.

I want to be more like her mama- living a life with a goal- with a mission- like 12 year old Lindsay did- She was NOT concerned with the American dream as a little girl. 

At 30 something ;) I have gotten very concerned with the American dream and how I don't have it.... and how I need it. I got so focused on "normal"... I forgot that I have another story to live right now--- and to find it and go for it--- that I have to keep going towards something amazing and fun which is me and my story God made just for me. And yes it will be hard and there will be mistakes and set backs but it's the only one made for me.

The past year or so... I haven't really made many mistakes other than not trying for anything at all. I'm being vulnerable here- for the 1 person that might read this- I've become more "normal" than I ever have been- and I just don't like it. it's boring- I want to fight for things and work hard for things and set goals and achieve and fail. LIVE LIFE. 

Yahweh made us to live a life-- He did--- and i'm not talking prosperity gospel here- it's not all Millions of dollars and perfect health and just perfect. Life is hard and tragic and things don't always go your way and we will NOT understand His will most of the time- but I do know this--- he wants us to keep pursuing him--- keep going towards the gifts we've given-- keep being a light and trying for things- trust for him to come through on things that are bigger than us.

That's all-  I needed to write this to myself- this is a letter to Lindsay Michelle Frail... GET UP... 

growing up doesn't mean giving up who you are. 

keep going with who you are--- even if it's hard ...WHEN it's hard.

what if it takes 40 years to write that book

keep writing

20 years to write a song

keep singing

keep going 

30 years to find a mate

keep dating

Even if you don't see it on this side of heaven--- isn't it better to keep trying till the day you die than your heart to die while you're on earth. 

ok bye. mic drop.

She’s Hannah and she has a car

So it was one of the first months of COVID Quarantine and it was already taking it's toll on people. I missed seeing friends, and it was just getting tough. Everyone was zooming, calling, face-timing, whatever they could, but it wasn’t easy for anyone. 

My sweet friend Hannah is from Raleigh, lives in Nashville, but was working from Raleigh with COVID hit so she stayed there to try and ride it out. Needless to say everyone in Nashville missed her, including me!

So once a week we would call each other on our lunch breaks during covid and chat and talk a "walk" together. By our lunch break I mean her lunch break, ha. I worked in the entertainment industry so it shut down, so my talk with her was a very welcomed phone call each week.

My house has this huge hill as a front yard so when we would talk on the phone I would go out there and walk up and down that hill for the 30-60 minutes we’d be on the phone. It became our joke of me “walking the hill” while she was on the phone.

Anywho, one week we had our scheduled lunch call and she called me and said “are you on the hill?” and I said “yep I’m walking!” and she said “hold on, I’m walking outside of my house to go on a walk too.” And as she said that I see a car pull up my driveway and say “Oh nooo this always happens, someone always comes in my driveway while I’m walking up and down my yard like a crazy person…” ha we start laughing then I see who it is..”OH MY GOSH HANNAH…IS THAT YOU?!!”

She gets out of the car and of course we can’t hug (covid rules) but I ask her “what are you doing here?” and her answer was simple, “I came to walk the hill with you.”

So for the next 30 minutes we just walk and talk up and down that hill…together. That was the first time I had seen anyone besides my roommates for months. I don’t think anyone who didn’t go through Covid will ever understand what it was like to be isolated from your people. I needed to see her at that moment, she had a car, she had a way, she probably had a large bladder because you couldn’t use the public restrooms on that road trip. She just decided and said to herself “yeah, I’m going to drive and see my friend today, walk the hill with her.”

It wasn’t extravagantly planned out, but it was about knowing what someone needed at that very moment. Knowing it wasn't hard to make it happen, it was just a friend in her car coming to see if another friend was ok and to walk a hill with her.

that was her loving me with what she had. 

Be who you are, love with what you've got.

So it’s the summer of 2020, and if you’re reading this from the future, this was  the summer of COVID-19. I know the 19 in COVID-19 can throw you off, but this was actually in 2020 and this was the summer that life just got thrown upside down. The summer no one could see coming, and no one had a clear picture of how to get out of it. People had ideas on what to do, but we all kind of wiggled through it together.

I know it would be very easy for me to write about how hard it has been, maybe one of the hardest seasons in life thus far for many of us. Jobs lost, people getting ill, so much isolation, let alone the racial injustices that can't be ignored any longer. This has not been an easy season, it’s been a pretty tense and stressful trauma for everyone. I will write plenty on how hard this has been, I will not and have not been able to skim over all of the hard parts of these months. My family and closest friends have been there for me and me for them, to check in daily to make sure the day to day isn't getting us down.  

However, this little diddy of a blog entry isn’t about how hard it was, but it's about how I saw my friends and family in the little little moments, how they showed me such love and maybe didn’t even notice it.

I’m reading a book called “everybody always” and it’s a sequel to “love does” and both books are about a man named Bob Goff and his life and how he sees Jesus in random acts of love.  People RAVE about these books, and they are amazing, but I think there is a bigger picture here. Goff does live a pretty fun life with good stories, but I don’t think it’s anything out of the ordinary. Ok ok hold on….hear me out. I mean yes it’s amazing, but it’s not like he’s telling you a story about he solo’d  Kilimanjaro (def. had to look up how to spell that), or told you about his 5 gold metals.

He’s telling stories about how he gets a creative idea on how to love someone that is in his life and then he does it. How he thinks about toilet papering someone to make his neighbor laugh, then he just does it. And yes his life takes some pretty radical and amazing turns, but I think it’s mostly because he says yes to the daily life, and it opens more doors, gives him more ideas on how to be loving. He says yes to those little, but brilliant ways to love and before you know it he’s having a neighborhood parade. I love his books because it’s more about stories of just loving people however you can. Not coming up with these huge grande ideas, or planning for months, but just saying yes, going, letting them grow.

I also love that his books talk about heart ache and trials, and loss. As a  believer I think it’s important to tell those stories. For non believers, if all we talk about all the victories and they have loss, how can they relate? We need to share both, both will happen, God tells us good and bad will happen, expect both and be planted for both.

OK anyways, this is not about a Goff book review, this is about opening my eyes to see where others have just loved me. Where if I had to write a book right now, I could, because people just say yes to the day to day and it makes up my life. They show me love not by planning the most epic surprise ever, but just by loving me where I am, where they are, with what they have.

So the next few blog post are for me to remember the people who loved me right where I was ...in this hard time, with whatever they had. We weren't really allowed to hug, or go to restaurants or do the things we normally do. But these friends just showed up, with who they were and what they had and it turned out to be extraordinary.  We all have extraordinary lives waiting for us to see, Goff isn’t the only one that can live it. And Im sure I can speak for others when I say sometimes the exact thing we need in these hard times is to open our eyes to the little moments, the good moments, that the people in our lives, the 5-10 people you’ve been able to see these past months, those are the moments we need to capture.

Again, not minimizing that this has been a global trauma, I'm just trying to see little ways I’ve seen love over the past 4 months of quarantine.

Stay tuned party people...I'm going to do some reflecting and writing about my extraordinary life and the people who love me in it. 

don't be afraid to create

What do you want to create?
What do you want to leave in this world?
Give to this world?

We all need to
Make things

Bake things

Cook things

Carve things

The best is yet to come, use what has already been created and keep creating

Someone else is, yet you have something in you that no one else has

So you need to create something too

Some create children

Raise them

Teach them

Some create works of art in food

Share them

Eat them

Some write songs

They sing and inspire with

Create things

Little things

Daily things

Create things that fail

That go unfinished

That only leave a little wave

That’s ok

The little things

The ones that fail

That only make little waves

They lead to bigger things

Bigger ideas

Sometimes the ones that fail just keep you going

Keep the pattern and discipline going

To the bigger things

The ones that you will remember

The ones that others will remember

Life was meant to be lived

Your life was meant to be a story you can tell

A story others can hear

Don’t just listen to other peoples stories on podcast

Or watch other peoples stories on Netflix

They’re good to inspire you

But then create your own

Write your own

Tell others a story in what you create

The ones that didn’t work

And the ones that you’re proud of

All are part of the story of your life

Create in your life

Create a life that looks like who you are

Create something today.

What are you waiting for?

A few times a year YL gathers up all off the YL staff in Tennessee and they let us just be together, breathe together. We go over the year, the good and the hard, we just spend time together. This time we ate together, we worshipped together, we slid down a waterfall rock together into ice water, we even crashed go carts into each other, I mean crashed hard. Haha

All of those things were some of my favorites, but one of my favorite moments was walking around the pond at camp with my new friend Tiffany. Tiffany lives in Nashville, we've met a few times before, but this time we bonded and it was sweet.

One night after dinner we decided to walk around the water and burn some calories before the next gathering J We laughed and joked some and then began to shared fears in our lives the Lord wants to take from us. 

I started sharing with her my summer and how loudly the Lord spoke to me and how it didn’t just start this summer. That the Lord for years has sent me affirmation after affirmation on a part of my life I needed to move in and I never did. And she just interrupted my thought and said

“What are you waiting for?” I paused and said “What do you mean?” and she goes “What are you waiting for? Why aren’t you doing it? What would have to happen for you to do it?”

I paused for a moment and before I could even think of what I was saying I said “perfection. I want to be perfect. I will do it when I’ve mastered it and feel like it’s perfect.”

Wow. As soon as those words came out I was shocked. The thought of perfection is laughable, because it’s not even close to being attainable, everyone knows that, no one and nothing is perfect outside of Christ.

Yet here I was, waiting to move in an area of life until I had it perfect. Wow. There it was. I had no more excuses left, God showed my real heart, what seemed like my last excuse.

He’s given me gifts, given me people to support me, given me joy in this gift, given me opportunities and now has just shown me the only thing that stands in the way of me and this next phase of life is…my goal of perfection.

Something about her asking this question and me blurting it out just took a burden off of me. Almost made it ok to not be perfect when I play music at club this Monday. To not be perfect when I write my songs tonight, to not be perfect when I sing them to my friends and strangers. Of course you prepare, of course you spend time putting hard work into it, but allowing myself to be free to not be perfect. It felt like my excuse/fear was exposed and now I could move forward.

What are you waiting for in your life to be perfect? Or striving for in your life to be perfect?

Your career?

Your family?

Your weight? 

Looks?

There are things in our life we want to “master”, and we strive to master before we’re satisfied

I believe in working hard in your career, working out to stay healthy, communicating to keep your family growing. However we all need the Lords grace in all areas. Because if we’re always waiting for perfect, working towards it, we won’t find it on this side of heaven.

I don’t want to wait for perfection anymore. I want to move, and probably take some wrong moves but I want to move. I want to sing  in public, sing wrong notes in public, because it’s not about the notes, it’s about the singing part that matters.

I want to love hard because God says to, even if I don’t love perfectly and have to apologize for them seeing a raw side of me, I want to love anyways.

I’m not perfect, it’s not an excuse, I will keep being sharpened my whole life. However, I want to walk in Grace. I want to live in a place where I need God to show up. I need people to see more of him when I sing and live then just seeing Lindsay.

I need grace not perfection. I want to follow where I know my following Him will lead others to worship and not to me. I want to follow, right now, because I won’t ever be perfect on this side of heaven, so there is no need to wait.

What excuse do you have right now that is standing in the way of someplace you’re supposed to go?

What are you waiting for?